zengizmo's drunken rants

My body requires sleep. AGAIN.

My body is a dictatorial piece of shit.

It gives me no choice, really. Right?

If I don't do my body's shit, it WILL make me pay, major big-time.

Bodies are the Tool of Satan, in point of fact.

So: I am going now to do my body's shit, cuz I don't want no trouble, see.

I just have a statement to make: I have sinned against my body, and my body in all its moral righteousness is doing to me what I deserve.

I did KNOWINGLY and in FULL KNOWLEDGE OF MY EVIL commit sins against my body, and now I take full responsibility for my evil deeds and confess them here in public.

REPENT ALL YOU SINNERS FOR...ummm, wait, what? Oh, yeah...FOR YOUR ATROCITIES AGAINST YOUR BODIES WHO ARE YOUR TRUE RULERS ON THIS EARTH.

This is my true and uncoerced statement given completely of my own free will.

Just...please don't let my body hurt me, okay...PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME!!!!

(Muffled sounds like somebody trying to speak while having shit rammed down his throat.)

My dear Deanna thinks it is WAY funny when I talk about checking my previous night's facebook posts for social atrocities.

If I lived in Saudi Arabia I would have been beheaded by now...

American society lets us get away with SO MUCH.

Lots of Americans mutter under their breath a lot, of course, and maybe post cranky comments in online forums, BUT: Mostly we get away with posting our shit, don't we?

If I said I was becoming Muslim, of course, it might be a different matter...

Maybe I SHOULD become Muslim...just to piss some folks off...



I kinda enjoy pissing people off...

Cuz people tend to be...well...kinda dumb. And they get pissed over the stupidest shit...

And I am an asshole elitist who likes to fuck with the heads of folks I think are kinda dumb...

Right?

Well, that is what Deanna does with ME, of course.

Deanna is WAY smarter than me. And she fucks with my head a LOT.

So...I wanna be just like her when I grow up...

I made this exact statement to her in a phone text message a few days ago.

Her reply was "Ya right - not"

She is just being modest, of course.

So...if I DID become a Muslim...would you murder me and destroy my property?

Not that I actually HAVE much property at the mo, tho...I have become the dregs of society...

Does the shit I am sayin piss you off?

Well, all I gotta say is: It is SO. EASY. To piss some folks off.

I wonder if folks like that think their pissed-offness is, like, a character virtue. You think?

Hey, I get pissed too sometimes...right...

Don't forget...



Cuz...I didn't want folks to think I was the ONLY one who gets pissed sometimes...

Wait...I mean...that THEY are the only ones getting pissed...

Wait...I mean...well hell, I dunno wtf I mean...

Do YOU know what I mean?

Again I have drunk two bottles of wine in one night. I am addicted, see.

Last night I vaguely remember going to bed. Well, I mean, I went to sleep on my living room sofa. Cuz that is where I sleep nowadays. I haven't slept in my actual bed since early last year.

However at some point I woke up sitting at my desk chair in front of my blank computer screen, and I vaguely remember getting up from the sofa in some weird semi-sleep consciousness, thinking for some reason that I needed to look at my computer...

Prolly cuz I was thinking/dreaming about something I needed to do for work...

I got my ass back to my sofa at that point. I woke up when my alarm went off, cuz that was when I needed to get up and take my youngest daughter to her voice lesson.

You want to know what "everything" refers to.

I don't blame you. You saw the title to this particular piece of self-flagellation, and naturally you hoped for this title to lead to some form of narrative fulfillment. As is only right.

It is just that life is always everything. Always we are reviewing, reviewing, reviewing everything always, looking for the fucking key. Right? Looking for the fucking answer that is going to make all this shit finally make some kinda sense.

Innit?

Some of you remember a philosophical viewpoint called existentialism. Wherein: Everybody needs to find her/his personal meaning for his/her life experience.

So...right?

What was the meaning of me waking up in the early morning finding myself sitting at my blank computer screen after having previously gone to sleep in my usual sleeping location?

Well if I gave you the answer, what fun would that be?

I need to understand the difference between:

1. Posting blog shit to stroke my ego...versus
2. Posting shit that helps folks understand spiritual paths.

As I have repeatedly told my spirit guide Deanna in my semi-poetic doggerel way: I ain't/No saint.

Shortest poem I have ever written.

Latest-breaking news is: The spirits are helping me with option number 2.

If you think I am writing this shit for YOU...

Then you are right.

But: Who are YOU?

I leave this question as an exercise for the student.

A couple nights ago I wrote a facebook PM to Deanna asking her why she thinks she can block me any time she wants. I asked her, "Is it because you think you have some kind of power over me? What if I blocked you? Would you still love me, as I have tried to love you in spite of all the nasty shit you have done to me?"

And then I blocked her.

She still had my cell #, of course. If she wanted to talk to me, she could call me or text me.

Same conditions she imposed on me for a long time... Fair is fair!

Cuz I just wondered how she would react...or if she would react at all...

Of course, she is always telepathically with me. And she was humble...and loving...in my mind after I blocked her. So...this might have been interesting...OR it might have been boring. I had to wait and see.

AND of course...Deanna ain't no dummy. She can EASILY look at my timeline any time she wants, whether I block her or not.

She and I both know this.

I could have looked at her timeline also, when she was blocking me. The thing is, tho: I just didn't give a shit.

So it is all just a symbolic kinda thang, innit?

After I blocked Deanna, I sent her a text message saying, "You still have my phone number, tho! "

Late the next afternoon Deanna sent me a reply to my text: "Yes - true!"

I replied: "Lol"

She then called me a goofball.

And then some ridiculous exchanges followed. Anyway I figured I would unblock her in due time...maybe the next night.

I love her.

And I see that she loves me too. Nice to see it in the material world on occasion, of course.

So: The next night I unblocked Deanna. Facebook warned me major big-time...pointed out that Deanna could do all KINDS of shit to me if I unblocked her, and I would be unable to block her again for 48 hours.

Maybe deep in my soul, I WANT her to do shit to me...weird thought, innit...

I have tried to block her telepathically from my mind on a few occasions, when I was fed up with her shit. It never lasted for more than a minute, tho.

Usually way less than a minute.

Maybe all this seems kinda silly to you. You need to remember tho: Deanna got me fired from my job in late 2003 for trying to have "fun" with her...similar to what I am doing now. She totally fucked my life to hell. I have never recovered financially from the shit she did to me as a result of trying to have fun with her.

So ya hafta axe yerself: Why would I try this kinda shit with her AGAIN, after what she has done to me in the past?

Well...it is all about spiritual paths, innit? About what my spirit guide Deanna is trying to teach my soul. She is making me stronger...see?

Late-breaking news addendum: Deanna just phoned me, and we had a long talk. Life is hard...and so are we. Think about it.