Daily life

mother... at your headstone, as i return from my vacation and studies.. i come to visit you and..i notice your stone of beauty it is desecrated.. robbed... disrespected,m

... I had flowers..of plenty.. all align on your headstone..and my favorite teddy bear you give me.. to give you warmth in your cold death.. someone has stole it.. but for what... ..

..I sit beside your stone..so cold.. and you do not speak ..not a response.. mother i ask, who did this? am I to find them.. do I beat them.. strangle.. or do I forgive.. do i practice nonviolence..my peace... or do I lose myself.. please help me decide. my beloved mother. .. i have never felt such hatred,disgust... confusion
i wish you respond to me.. I cannot bear pain of it, i love you. this another stain on my life...and a burning question why someone did it... for you i will search all crevice..and see what to be done.. I do not understand .... hardly I know how to begin or what i do.. physically i am ill it create such a burn in my stomach and even a hurl as i tremble in disgust.. mother i will search until i find or my legs give in.. and next i come to decorate your headstone again.. this time it tenfold more beauty..but really.. the headstone it is always beautifull as you rest under it..always it will be beautiful as you were...

i am ashamed as my tears..i have no more..it is transfoormed into my rage..i broke the window in the guest room..i break the door and slam many hole into the walls... i am not violent person my mother..i am sorry if you see this ..horrible behavior..i cannot control it always this time, if someone disrespect the place you resting in, my beloved mother... i am sorry .. if you hear me.. i am sorry..

Not long ago my friend ask at me, "what is you worst and hardest gaming experience?"

And that I can easy answer: when I became Emperor in Elder Scrolls Online..!!
[attachment=3715:emperor.jpg]

It took long time of leveling skills, and getting fine armor set.. (I am stamina nightblade khajiit)..I prepared for months..and since I am so busy, some weeks I did not play at all..
And when I finally decided to attempt emperor, my Champion Points..I was only about 430..I was not close to maximum .(531 at time)
And you would think,as someone who work with games and environmental art on games,, I would not mind the patience it require..but it was horrible to me, that level grind..

And then, I already hate PVP..I despise it.. but I had do this stupid achievement for the Emperor! trophy...ridiculous. Who idea was it ??

Skull of Corruption..the campaign I chose..because it had least AD competition (as I am AD)..and odd enough, this was my first time really in PVP other than a few hours practice killing..

The war itself,difficult..as soon as the server reset, I turn on my playstation and play ESO..for all day, and through all night..I did not sleep, and only do take break to shower or bathroom..
And at end of the week,I had 1.4m Alliance Points, but I had not yet capture the 6 forts in center of map..which is what must do for it..and it was last day to do it.
I was so paranoid I would fail and have to re-do it..but I am not often having this free time to play game for week straight..I hated every minute.. and there was always angry person I kill message me, "f*ck you!!" or "you are bad !"
Ok.. and I respond, 'If I am bad, why you are dead ?.."
And not mention, even your own team mate who also trying for Emperor message you hateful words, it is comedic how angry some get..

For every day the week, I had a group try take the center keeps..and on one day, I got 4/6..until the Ebonheart pact push back...and we lose all keeps..I expected it ! Skull of Corruption at time was full of reds only,until I took emperor throne and they leave campaign. (Now I think it is Daggerfall and Aldmeri..I am not sure.)

Lucky for me,a huge PVP guild come into Skull of Corruption on the last day before server reset and help me..I was so fortunate to have it...they were amazing and powerful,I think one of best PVP guilds for AD.
As soon as I become Emperor, I play a little as it and I had amazing stat boost..I loved..but I was so drain of sleep, I turn off my PS4 and instantly pass out..never again I do that, I do not have so much free time or energy..but after that, I had get Master Angler (catch all rare fish in game for short)... and that, I think I would rather do than Emperor ever again..but it was extreme boring and took while. But at least it was relaxed and not dependent on time and skill !

Overall, I think unless you are go for the achievement I do not recommend attempt at Emperor..the stress, it is not worth it.

I do not play games too much anymore, but I am told by many ESO is nothing like actuel Skyrim..and I admit, I have not play Skyrim before but the remaster, I think to buy it and see what is like.. But with some other games releasing, and life dramas,I do not know if I have such time. Perhaps..

- Maman, c'est quoi l'amour?
- C'est les sentiments qu'il y a entre papa et moi.

- Maman, c'est quoi la vie?
- C'est le moment pendant lequel ton coeur bat.

- Maman, c'est quoi l'éternité?
- C'est quelque chose qui ne se fini jamais.

- Maman, tu m'aimeras pour l'éternité toi?
- Mais oui, bien sur mon chéri.

- Maman, tu crois que je peux vivre à côté de toi pour l'éternité?
- Dans ton coeur tu le peux.

- Mais.. maman, c'est quoi la mort?
- C'est là où mami dort.

- Et de là bas elle nous aime encore?
- Oui pour toujours.

- Maman, quand je serai mort je t'aimerais toujours. Toi aussi?
- Mon chéri, tu a longtemps a vivre avant de mourir alors ne pense pas a ça.

- Mais, tu m'aimera?
- Oui, toujours

- Maman.. quand que tu vas mourir?
- Dans pas longtemps.

- Mais maman, je comprends pas...
- Je sais.

- Et c'est a cause de lui que tu es allongée ici?
- Oui mon ange.

- Mais c'est où ici?
- C'est l'hopital.

- Maman, j'ai peur...
- Non, il ne faut pas avoir peur.

- Mais maman, je veux pas que tu parte...
- Un jour on se reverra.

- Dans longtemps?
- Je l'espère.

- Pourquoi..?
- Car je veux que tu profite de la vie...

- Maman, je t'aime...

- ...

- Maman..

- ...

- Maman..?!

- ...

- ... Maman...

I go again two nights,unable to sleep perhaps a moment..as my throat, it feels so sore, and my nose feels I breathe fire. I listen to music,so repeatedly, my ears are also so very sore..I do not fancy earphone so often. But this song, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KA3Q1duzwaE ,


It makes me think of my mother, and I find it such a soothe, but also a heartache. I do miss her, as I will often say I do not forget..and she does cross my mind when I lie down,in such a darkness..but in that way she is with me, and it comforts..

As I have been so ill, and sleepless on top of it, I enjoy to have a tea...and with it, a few drop of lemon, and honey.. but lately, I find such a difficulty in walking, even to make my tea, as I have not eaten as well.. I am incredibly weak, and at every moment I am so nauseated, and the sight of food it sickens.. from this, I have shed about 4kg..(or 8 pounds?) as I check earlier.. I notice, even as I hold my cup, my hand trembled dearly

I am certain it could be so worse,and in many regards I am fortunate..but, it does still come as a misery for me, and I begin to worry..

It is sad, as I am certain my fiancée will also become so ill, but I try so dearly to avoid spreading such germs..I wash so obsessively, I do not kiss her (although I feel so incredibly sad from such) and I sleep alone on the canape.. but perhaps it will be so futile.. I hope such is not the case.. she is so great, and if possible, I would take all possible negatives if it meant to keep them from her.

I begin having such a wonder, my, I am the age of 24 ! And yet, I am feeling perhaps I have done so little in comparison in regards to my colleagues..I do not mean in such a career manner, but perhaps, my mental happiness..

I am told to believe, you do take this medication. And you are happy! It is drilled into my head, from the man in the white robe,, he says quite often...do not forget to eat this..
And I say, doctor, I am unhappy ! Perhaps your pill, it does not work. Is it so ? I cannot sleep from such depression, doctor I have slept not, for two nights now !
Doctor, he says, "ahh... donc .. tu as besoin d'un somnifère" yes.. problem solved if I take the sleep pill.. you do pump such medication into my body, and do know, it does not work. It is shameful. But it is job of yours, so you care not perhaps ?

Any way..
This morning, I went to the La Boîte à Café, and I sit alone and sipped on my very bitter café au lait as I dare add sugars. And at a sudden, I see an American tourist walk in , and he demands to the barista, a café con leche. And the barista, he says "we do not serve this I am sorry.."
And the tourist, he become so angry, and rather begins to shout.. And I sit, I do not speak at, as I am not so phased... but I watch, this unusual action.. and realize, as I am riddled with depression, perhaps it is better to have such than anger !

I unknowing stared at the tourist, and he did realize. He said at me, "hello, what are you looking at ?" I do not respond, and then, he ask, "do you have problem?" I did not respond once more,as I did not find the words.. and he said at me, "you are a stupid French and you stare !" And then he ignore me, and at the barista said, "Why you cannot take simple request, it is because I am American ? So much for this vacation"
I am always so surprise when such come to France,and behave as a wild boar, you cannot act civil .. I believe, treat a foreign country as you mother's home, this man, he did not bother even attempt to speak a word of French.. But I, as a "stupid French", would attempt such English in an English speak country.. Is so difficult to try, and if not, be polite ? I wonder it...

After drinking the coffee,I walked around the parc de la Tête d'Or, the garden, it always soothes such a mind like mine. I adore the flowers, as it is so bright, and the smell is grand, and it is quiet.
I see a child,and he stroked at a flower, and turn to the man beside him. "Papa, papa, je veux cueillir les fleurs," I want to pick the flowers, he said,
The man, suddenly grabbed by the arm the boy, and said, "You do not touch the flower", and the boy cried out, as I imagine that he had such pains in his arm. It is true, you do not take the flowers,but poorly this man handled the situation..

And this moment, it makes me think, if I am able to have such children I imagine I become so much nicer than that man..and perhaps, not so rough, as my father was also abusive. But with my issues,as I have such difficulty finding interest in such mating (I am told by so many, perhaps you are asexual !) I cannot foresee children in the future,it is unfortunate, but I still have hope for it. My fiancee, she is from Cape Town, and has such beautiful dark skin, and I am so pale, I believe our baby would have such beautiful skin color and eyes, and hair !

I left the garden, and return to my sweet home, as my feet ached so much from such long walk. My cat come to me, and the meow, it sounds so weak! And now I believe, I must leave to take her to be checked as I have such a suspicion, respiratory infecction perhaps.. As she does sound ill, and at recent I got a new kitten for her company,perhaps she is sick from it, but it is well itself. I am sad to see my cat feel so ill,as she is like a child for me. In brief, I find my cat as a kitten, on the road, wedge between dead siblings in a box, perhaps only her and one other kitten still living, which I find a home for. I dislike such people that abandon babies on the road, it is so depressing. A cruel world, but not such is surprising for Lyon,as so many homes do not permit such pets..you would think many cat owner would have their cats fixed, but not !

Now I attempt to rest, as I have little sleep as of late.... Today, it was unusual, but not so unpleasant, and tomorrow I take my cat for a check.. as I am so paranoid.

A 4 ans, une petit garçon demande à sa mère:

Fils - Maman, c'est quoi "le suicide"?

La mère - C'est un geste, euh.. posée par des gens qui veulent mourir.

Fils - Ah.. o k..

A 6 ans, il lui demande..

Fils - Maman, il y a longtemps tu ma dit c'étais quoi le suicide ... maintenant, je veut savoir pourquoi certaine personne veulent mourir?

La mère - Euh, il y a des gens sur cette terre qui n'aime pas leurs vie.. parce que ça va mal..

Fils - Ah.. o k ...

A 12 ans, il lui demande :

Fils - Maman.. Les personne qui ce suicide n'aime pas leurs vis? Moi j'aime pas la mienne.. je peut le faire?

La mère - Non!! Il y a des gens qui t'aime ...

Fils - O k.. si tu me promet...

A 15 ans, sa mère se suicide, a l'age de 42 ans.

Fils - Maman, pourquoi tu t'es suicidé... Tu ma dit de ne pas le faire car des gens m'aimais.. je t'aimais, maman.. pourquoi as-tu fait ça?..

Aux yeux de quelqu'un, tu es le monde entier...
Je ne suis jamais seule avec ma solitude... Je pense a toi tout le temps..
Toute ma vie je t'aimerai, toujours, maman..