Duncan's Blog

Once upon a time, smart housewives clipped coupons. It was part of the process for obtaining price reductions. These coupons would be printed in weekly advertisements (in the newspapers or in free circulars). All the shopper would have to do is take a pair of scissors in hand and cut along the border of the coupon. Sometimes the coupon edges would be perforated. He/they/it/she could then gently tear the coupon from the ad.

So, what's the process nowadays?

I thought--upon seeing how the prices are lower--that I would be granted these same bargains/benefits by just telling the store what my account number is. In fact, I don't even need the actual number. I could give them my home number. Or my cell number. Or the number that my friend Kitty had when she lived in Encino. Or the number of my first tenant who's long gone but, when he was alive (of course) used to love bargain hunting.

I could look at the circular for x minutes and still not be any closer to knowing what I wanted or would want to buy. There are things that never make it into my home... Hawaiian Punch, designer red pasta gravy, things that have been created with chicken as the base (i.e., chicken fingers, chicken nuggets). I'm a tactile and visual shopper. I cruise the aisles and look at a number of things. I compare price (usually per unit/metric). I look at packaging. I verify if it's part of a mandatory multi-purchase combination (such as 10 boxes of pasta for $10). Then I pick up the item and peruse the ingredients and nutritional information. The last practice could be a make-it or break-it deciding factor. I look at calories, fat, sugar, and sodium values.

Sometimes I'm inspired by what others have in their shopping cart. I, for example, will only buy firm or extra firm tofu. But there have been times when I have seen an Asian woman (with or without child in tow) who will hang out at the tofu section of the refrigerator and make decisions based on G*d knows what might be going through her mind. This type of observation has gotten me to pick up baked tofu or seasoned tofu that I would have normally never considered.

I have long since given up clipping the coupons on my own. So, I call the Retail Store/Corporate - 877-723-3929 number, mash a few buttons on my phone, and speak to an agent from the Philippines who will clip the weekly coupons for me. Often there are in excess of 300 of them. I tell them that I want them all. Who cares? Give me coupons for monkey chow or organic, plant-based, body-builder protein powder. I want my options and I want them all.

This practice came about ages ago. I went into the store and thought when I would find an item that has a discounted price to it, the price would go down based on my telephone number or store card swipe at the machine. At the end of the transaction, I would note that nothing had happened. So, I'd call the manager, and she would say that I'd need the coupon. Then I'd ask her if she could swipe her card or give me a coupon in her drawer. She would say, "No." I would then leave my entire order at the self-check counter and say, "Then I don't want any of this!"

I don't use my cell phone to do heavy-duty computer sh*t. Anything that requires reading on my part is not going to be part of my cell phone activity (except maybe a message from Message or a message from Messenger). And I don't use tablets (except for morning medicine). So, I learned about calling customer service and about having them do the work for me.

What pisses me off about this practice, however, is that they tell me it could take 30 minutes to 24 hours for the account to be posted. A day? For clipped coupons? And what would they expect of me if I were to do this on my own?

I try to avoid the major grocery store. I use ALDI or sometimes the Latin or Asian stores. The ethnic shops, however, are not the definitive answer if you want Yankee products such as cold cereal or mayonnaise.
Still...

I'm not 'into' grocery shopping. One day--after I hit the lottery big time--I will make a fun game of this. In the meantime, I call for coupons and then buy 10 items or fewer. It's how I roll!

All it is is a slice of bread that has undergone broiling (usually electrical). Yet it seems to bring joy to the breakfast table.

I lived with a cook who did not use devices to measure anything. He'd shake from a shaker, pinch from a dish, or pour a handful in his palm. When he'd buy meat, he would break it up into consumable portions and seal these portions in freezer bags.

I used to laugh when I'd say, "You do know that when you pass away, your recipe for oil and vinegar will be gone forever." Yes, he could even work magic on something as banal as Italian salad dressing. (I use Good Seasons).

Some things we simply assume are done without instruction. Everyone has a toaster. That's how you make toast.

I retired mine a long time ago. It took up space on the counter and I wasn't eating bread that much. There isn't much else that goes into a pop up toaster except maybe frozen waffles. I don't eat frozen waffles. And I've learned that toast can be made in the broiler.

...

I guess I owe myself an apology. Not counting French toast (since that's just bread dipped in egg wash and fried), there is indeed a recipe for 'Toasts' in my cookbook. They are referred to as tea toasts. The instructions are:

"Cut bread very thin. If desired, remove crusts, cut slices into halves or strips. Spread hot toast with butter, then with desired mixture. Place under broiler long enough to melt sugar, about 2 minutes."

My go-to cookbook lists the options as cinnamon toast, honey cinnamon toast, honey toast, maple toast, orange toast, vanilla baked toast, melba toast, yeast strips, milk toast, cream toast, toast points, toast cups, croustades, and croutons.

I used to make bread decades ago (in my 20s and 30s) when I lived on the east coast and the dough would take its time rising in the cold apartment. The apartment would also warm up and smell wonderful when the bread would be baking in the oven. I had bread books and had some award-winning recipes such as English muffin loaf or Pullman loaf. Neither of these can be easily found in any bakery. But, when you are struggling to lose weight, bread is probably not the smartest thing to have on the ready.

Perhaps when I reach my goal, I will treat myself to some finger sandwiches with afternoon tea.

It's on my wish list for the disposition of remains. I want the organs to be recycled (as many as possible). Then, when everything has been removed, I want the bones to be kept and I want to be turned into a hanging, articulated skeleton.

Why is this such an obsession these days? I have avoided putting together a will or a disposition of remains notice. Most folks I know who don't want a burial opt for cremation. Some want to be scattered in specific places. Others want their remains interred in soil, just not in the form of a dressed cadaver. My goal would be to recycle as much as can be recyclable and to use the body as a skeleton (i.e., attached bones).

I've thought of being a cadaver, but a cadaver that is missing organs isn't really quite as useful as a fully equipped one. So what's the deal with me and the bones? It's like this. I've taken anatomy classes over the years and have never really been interested in any of it. It's like... way too much memorization of stuff that I don't want committed to being in my memory banks. Truth is, when you learn anatomy (short of looking at sheep hearts, goat kidneys, or dissected bullfrogs), you're pretty much observing plastic representations of things that have been drawn in a textbook. These may be photos, or drawings, or even cellophane overlays (shows you how old my books were!). Nothing can replace the genuine article.

So, why is it so important to see a real live bone? Everything about me will not conform to the textbook. The shapes will be off, there will be wear and tear, the weight will probably be different, there may be actual fractures, and maybe something might even be missing. The color will surely be different (bones are note white like a wedding dress).

Real Bones Vs. Plastic: Exploring Models in Integral Anatomy

The video might be a bit much, but it explains the differences of real versus manufactured. Maybe I wasn't much help while I was alive and talking, but it gives me some comfort to know that I might be looked at and appreciated for what I could offer in death to academia.

It's a word that pushes buttons. Admit it! Your buttons were pushed, weren't they?

cult [kuhlt]
noun

1. a particular system of religious worship, especially with reference to its rites and ceremonies.
   
   
2. an instance of great veneration of a person, ideal, or thing, especially as manifested by a body of admirers.
   
   the physical fitness cult.
   
   
3. the object of such devotion.
   
   
4. a group or sect bound together by veneration of the same thing, person, ideal, etc.
   
   
5. Sociology. a group having a sacred ideology and a set of rites centering around their sacred symbols.
   
   
6. a religion or sect considered to be false, unorthodox, or extremist, with members often living outside of conventional society under the direction of a charismatic leader.
   
   
7. the members of such a religion or sect.
   
   
8. any system for treating human sickness that originated by a person usually claiming to have sole insight into the nature of disease, and that employs methods regarded as unorthodox or unscientific.

Now you're probably wondering what the heck he's talking about, right? Well, I shall keep you in suspense no longer. The institution to which I am referring is

AMAZON

I'll bet you're saying to yourself right now, "Self! I sure didn't see THAT coming, boy howdy!"

I truly mean it. That Amazon PRIME permeates the consumer industry like no one's business. I wish more outfits of commerce would pay more attention to my AARP membership. It's attached to WHOLE FOODS (where I almost never shop). You can find a list of other companies (that I never use) that have been gobbled up via mergers and acquisitions.

I am not saying that I never use Amazon. No, I will not lie. There are some things that are indeed actually cheaper if purchased through Amazon. And there are some things that are indeed actually unobtainable from the grocery store shelves.

Like what?

There is a coffee that's made in Puerto Rico. I looked online for places where it could be purchased on the mainland. There is a chain of stores in Southern Florida (Sedanos) that advertises the product. You have to physically go to the store (I'm in California). Oh, and guess what, it's never on the shelves! Walmart has it online for twice the price.

Well, right now, I must 'fess up. I went to the website Puerto Rico Coffee Roasters and found the product available at a lower price than what Amazon offers. I refuse to pay for their PRIME product because it is used as an incentive for people to buy more of something than they need simply because it is available at a discount. It reminds me of the heavy-handed sales offered by cell phone dealers... "Would you like an upgrade?" "No," is my usual response, "I would actually prefer a downgrade. My cell phone screen is cluttered with icons of nonsense that I never open and have no interest in seeing. The few things that I do have and use seem to get buried or have to be requested via search in order for me to access them."

I have heard other people refer to things as a cult. My HMO was one such organization. People who buy into specific cars (Tesla, for example). Even folks who followed the Harry Potter series were branded as cult followers.

Oh well... guess I will remain Amazon light for the time being.

You'd think I were part of a comedy routine with some of the random things I have told people. Sometimes, there's nothing worse than an introvert who can't seem to be understood when he speaks his native language.
For whatever reason, when I say that I was a German major in college, people seem to think that I was in the military of that country.

I was a German major in college
An der Universität war Deutsch mein Hauptfach.

I was a German major during the war.
Während des Krieges war ich deutscher Major.

It's not quite so funny in German because, well, the word 'major' as a military rank doesn't translate (i.e., it's borrowed). Still and all, "I was an English major...," or "I was a French major in college," doesn't seem to lend itself to such confusion.

I never did anything with my major. I'm not culturally attached to the country or to any of the countries where German is the official language. I still need to look up words, however I can generally get the correct endings for words when I pick up a grammar book and take the tests.

Why become a German major? Well, it was probably one of the few non-science subjects that I could take where no one would try to insert him-/them-/it-/herself in an attempt to help me with my studies. It also seemed--at the time--to be a language attached to a culture that was and is very misunderstood. These days I have even less and less interest in the behaviors of modern Germany and its people. I posit that one of the salient reasons for my disinterest is that my own country has become a fascist(ic) sh*t show that seems to mirror some of the atrocities of Germany in the 1930s and 1940s.