"A friend should be one in whose understanding and virtue we can equally confide, and whose opinion we can value at once for its justness and its sincerity." - Robert Hall
Over the past month and a half I have been exploring a new relationship with an old friend. I mentioned him in my last blog, expressing my value in his friendship and uncertainty on how he would interact with me. Our distance makes it difficult to see each other, though he has seemed to make our get-togethers just as much of a priority as I do, as we have seen each other 4 times in the past 6 weeks. Even in those short hangout sessions (aside from the last one ), we seem to have fallen into a natural rhythm together. To avoid confusion, I will refer to this new gentleman as Cuba.
I am normally attracted to very vocal, boisterous men. Men who think on their toes and shut down an argument quicker than you can butt-in. Men that are constantly communicating how they feel and what they are thinking. I've learned this is mostly a subconscious thing from my childhood because I was always the abused by my step-parents, while my parents sat "powerless" to say anything. My husband doesn't and would never allow that. It's something I felt I needed in my long term partner. It's those minds that seem to attract me to their world because I appreciate that kind of forwardness, honesty, and courage.
Maybe it's because I have accepted that part of myself. Maybe I realized those irrational damaging assumptions that my own issues were connecting with those qualities was harming my relationships. Regardless, Cuba is very different from most males I've been interested in. Not in lacking courage, in the least bit. I've dated plenty of cowards. It's simply that he seems to carry all of his assertiveness in his demeanor. While his personality is quite laid back and a bit passive, he expresses assertiveness very subtly. There's something quite attractive and intriguing about his incredibly quiet nature. His silence, more of a tranquil resistance than a lack of confidence, as he has no issues being loud and boisterous with my husband when they are together, nor on stage or in other social situations. I have been attracted to his energies for several years now, so the fact that I am having the opportunities to explore this is a fantastic feeling.
As I said, we fell into quite a natural rhythm together, especially after our last evening together. Our physicality came much more naturally than I was expecting. We broke a lot of ground "playing" together earlier in the week. I'm not certain how much of an emotional connection will occur, as he seems somewhat closed emotionally. His attractive but laid back demeanor has stuck him in some really odd and unfair situations, which kind of baffles me. Granted, he seems to have no problem walking away from said situations, it still makes me sad that I can see how his particular demeanor could result in that pattern. All in all, it seems to have shut him down and he now enjoys his solitude more than anything. He has a major plate full of responsibilities and works incredibly hard to maintain each one.
He deserves some kind of happiness and appreciation in his life. A shoulder he can turn to and someone that he knows cares. I feel that maybe it is arrogant of me try and be that for him when I have a husband. Maybe it is, but I can rest assured knowing that he doesn't have to feel bound in this situation. I want to give him all the freedom my husband and I have and never feel stuck doing this. I want to ride this out and enjoy it as long as we can. I really enjoy time with him and I can't help but hope I can explore his mind more. That and he doesn't seem to be complaining at the moment. It would just be really nice to open him up a little more. I wouldn't mind seeing into his heart a little bit, I just feel I should tread carefully in that zone as he seems very guarded in that sense.
Really, my goal in this is to simply make him feel known and cared for. I want to give him something to look forward to and a reassurance that he has somewhere to turn to if he needs someone. The rest of me is learning to let go of expectations.
A lot of time for self reflection as of late. The urge to write has been terribly itchy, but I finally feel that I am at a peaceful and calm enough place to work my thoughts into writing appropriately. The new openness of polyamory in our lives has no doubt been a struggle in some ways, but I truly feel that I have learned more about myself during this time than I really have other people, as one would think. While I have learned quite a bit about human relationships, learning to find the drive within myself to actively live my dreams has been the greatest challenge. What were my dreams? What is it that gives me joy and happiness in life? These are the questions I've been running over and over in my head time and time again.
The struggle of the human relationship and getting to know someone intimately is an exciting and overwhelming experience. Some people, however, simply aren't willing to invest the same level of openness and care. And that's okay. It only became a problem when I expected it. Granted, in the grand scheme of things I really don't believe that the majority of mankind's gratitude is where it should be in this world. I also understand that there has to be a balance.
I just need to find my own flow and gratitude within myself. I have always found it difficult to get my life started and know exactly where I'm going. Finding value within something that I have to offer has been my greatest challenge. Finding my worth and witnessing what I have to offer. Witnessing the reaction my art and expression evokes from other people. Experiencing the value of my time rapidly begin to increase. It is a daily process requiring my constant attention. I am the only one that will improve my life and seeing the impact of my effort on my husband as well as others that I am close to is an incredibly rewarding payoff.
As far as my relationship with other's goes, I am slowly teaching myself to ignore those expectations. There are so many different types of connections with people that it's simply not fair to expect an emotional connection and attachment simply because you're attracted to them for this reason or that. I try to focus my attention on getting to know them, really explore those appreciations, talents, viewpoints, and experiences. To learn from them. My goal is to make these people feel recognized and seen. I want to give care and understanding to those that I believe deserve that greater love. There are so many people that simply do not receive that nearly as much as they should. That wonderful, natural care and appreciation. It's through that, which I believe positive relationships will blossom. Labels be damned. I just want to hold them.
That being said, I do have a recent male attraction. He is actually a good friend of my husbands and also in the same field of entertainment, only he's in our home town about 2 hours away. We've known him for about 4 years and he has always gone above and beyond simply for the sake of friendship. I am greatly attracted to him as a human being and made him aware of this after he drove 4 hours out of his way simply to come to my birthday gathering a couple of weeks ago. He now knows we are poly and has certainly opened up to me a great deal more than he ever has. It makes me quite anxious to see him again when we hang out Saturday. Now that he knows we are poly, I have no idea how to expect him to interact with me.
For now, however, I am trying to cool-it for a few days up until our hang out. Our last conversation covered a major range of perceptions as he always asks me questions I'm not expecting. He also has plans to take me to a specific spot hiking and wants to plan a camping trip. :daisy:
I feel like this could be something really wonderful if I could just control my anxiety and be aware of my own expectations. In the meantime I need to focus on appreciating my life and everything we have. We have to appreciate ourselves first and foremost before we can expect anyone else to. And I truly think that is one of the greatest struggles as a human being. Appreciation is the only thing that helps you get past insecurity.
In the meantime, I feel as though my 25th birthday really sparked a drive in me to learn to appreciate things as they are. They won't be that way forever. Your life will only be as good as it is right NOW.
"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is."-Jim Morrison
WE'RE TAUGHT, growing up, that monogamy is the way to properly function in today's society. You grow up, you get married, have babies, stay commited/get divorced/do it over again/ and somehow end up "happily ever after". Usually, when something like polyamory gets brought to the table, people's defenses fly up and their insecurities begin showing. It always surprises me how strongly people respond to this idea. It's not incredibly easy to find someone who can securely sit down and have this conversation without it getting personal, I have found. My hope in bringing it here, is to express why this works for us, HOW we've reached this point in our relationship, the positive changes it has made for us, and how overcoming obstacles and insecurities in the recent transition have helped us and continue to help make us better versions of ourselves. I would also like input from outside sources, concerns, questions. This is a learning experience for me just like it would be for anyone else so discussion is welcome.
MY HUSBAND and I met nearly 10 years ago. I was dating a friend of his and knew on the moment I met him that this man would be something different in my life. His blunt honesty and obvious passion for sociological issues and the arts was something that affected me deeply and helped mold me as a human being. We maintained a completely platonic friendship for the first 5 years, saw each other through relationships, actually discussed sleeping together once, but that wouldn't happen until our relationship actually began.
It's really this strange relationship foundation that I believe is the reason why my husband and I are so comfortable with polyamory. We saw each other through multiple relationships from the very beginning, both healthy and unhealthy, and we maintained a strong honest friendship bond through it all. Our feelings developed mutually without pressure from the other. We simply wanted to see each other happy. Period. It is this that has brought us together and this that has held us together. I have faith and trust in that because he is my best friend.
WITHIN THIS TRANSITION we bonded with another poly couple over a very short period of time. This couple we knew previously and I had recently learned were successfully poly. I went to them for help and guidance into making this decision. It took no time before they pursued their interest in us and initiated a "stronger than friendship" bond. They inspired us and reminded us why we loved each other as well as why we wanted to make this transition. Everything seemed very comfortable and natural.
Throughout the past 6 weeks things went incredibly quickly between all of us, resulting in the other female getting very paranoid and having a lot of disagreements with my husband as well as insecurities when it came to mine and her husbands bond. She also confessed to having feelings for me during this whole process and the idea was brought to the table several times, even by her husband on one occasion. While he and I we were discussing the way we felt about each other in private. I tried to remain honest about my adoration for her and desire to develop our friendship together, but not for a romantic relationship because it did not feel natural for me.
It's become more and more obvious exactly what they were looking for and I'm still not sure why they couldn't have been honest about that. This all has made them both back down entirely. It's been very confusing for us as they pretty much did a complete 180 over the course of a week. Most further communication with them has been solely business related. Female continues to talk to husband here and there, but she hasn't spoken to me near as much, male has ceased to speak to me other than to get photos I did for him.
While all this sounds really sad, I'm really honestly not. The anxiety over the issue has passed and I have had a lot of time for self reflection. Even though this did not work out, it gave me a sense of self worth. One that I cannot forget. I have created a whole world for myself and my creativity, My bond with MALE helped me to realize what all I have to offer. As a female as well as an artistic persona. I have the drive. I have the resources. I have the talent. I simply need to push it and keep going. The bond that I offer is a hard one to be matched and they broke my trust by not honestly communicating what they wanted from us. Therefore also ostracizing my husband in the process. That's not cool. We deserve better than that.
I started going to the gym regularly, finding appreciation within myself, getting past my fear of judgement. I have something to offer the world and I owe it to myself to make sure that I am doing all that I can to take care of myself.
I suppose my biggest fears right now are not finding a bond that felt as fulfilling as mine was with MALE. We connected on a level that I am not used to in any relationships. Our artistic expressions flourished when we were around each other and we were able to express together. We didn't even have to talk, just a simple eye contact and we knew what page the other was on.
Those connections are so rare, particularly under these circumstances, but I need to remember my most important connection, and that is the one with myself and my art. This is what drives me and this is what I take pride in.
I just have to enjoy my expression and trust that connections will happen on their own. In the mean time, it just reminds me how special what my husband and I have is. Nothing can replace that and I am grateful for him and what we have every day. I really look forward to seeing him bond with new people as well.
So I suppose I should just enjoy the ride.
"See if you can catch yourself complaining, in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness."
For about 4 years now, I have had the book titled The Power of Now lingering around in boxes. I remember it being a very important and exciting book when I first received it from my best friend. She informed me that it is a powerful and life changing book and I HAD to read it. However, in January of 2013 she passed away suddenly in a car accident. After that I was not able to pick it up for a while, as I became quite cynical,
Pretty unfortunate that my last blogs are no longer on here as I had documented several important events and such, but alas, I suppose that gives me a chance to reanalyze and reintroduce myself.
I'm not extremely active on here, but I hope the small amount I do contribute to this community is nothing less than respectable and thought provoking at the very least.
That being said, I have had quite a bit happen in the past couple of years. I moved out of state, back in, went through a dramatic legal situation with my sister, another with my mother, and had 5 deaths happen very close to me. I don't say this for sympathy as death happens to everyone in many ways at some point in their lives, but to express to you how real and eye opening my life has been over the past couple of years.
In such times as these, I have reached for comfort, for some kind of inner balance, for peace. In my search, I came across a book I've had for quite some time called The Power of Now.
It has given me a new perspective. A positive sense of being which I never really reached before as so much of my life has been flooded with negativity, irresponsible people, and terrible decisions. I had built up a great frustration and anger with this. Frustration so strong that it permanently damaged a number of relationships. And I only say "permanent" because two of these people have passed before I could properly teach myself to be a positive force in their life and reconcile things with them.
However, there are some relationships which are currently pending at damaged. One of which being my relationship with my sister. Some of you do know of this situation as I refer to her here:
Long story, short. She and I no longer have a relationship as I was quite blunt and truthful with her about the damage she was doing to her body and these children's lives and, again, she did not want to hear it. She said "good-bye" to me and in my fury I said "bye" back. This was the last we spoke. More people than not have supported me in this decision and had been wanting me to take that step for a while, while other more admirable people have expressed their concern and sympathy for her obviously unwell mental state. And then there are the other's who press on me the accusation of this being my problem. That people like this don't care who they hurt or take from and that being involved with them is obsessive and unhealthy for my life. That I should "mind my own business".
However, I would like to state, quite frankly, that I don't feel it wrong to have such a devotion for a family member, much less a younger sibling. Regardless of what has happened, she is still my little sister and it breaks my heart to see her seem so lost and stuck around so much negativity constantly. I love my family unconditionally; I don't love so that I can be loved in return. I love so that maybe those people can see to love themselves. And I wouldn't trade that love for the world.
And since I have finished this book, a more peaceful and positive mindset has come about me in my every day life. Handling stress and unreasonable people has become dramatically easier as I kindly refuse to give in to their negativity and only respond in a sincere and positive light on the truth.
It is with this mindset that I ponder my relationship with my sister and wish for a reconciliation. I want a relationship with my sister, I want the stability and positivity she needs in her life in order for her to find love in herself and pick her life up. Otherwise the only real love enforcement she has is that of these men that enter and exit her life as though it is nothing.
And if nothing else, I want it for her children. As I intend on being involved with them as much as much as possible and as long as things are like this, there is only major negative tension in the room when our paths cross for special occasions. And according to their foster parent, so long as she cooperates with her, she is allowed to come and see them.
All I want is to squash as much negativity in this situation as I can. As much as my own energy has power over. My question, for those of you older and wiser, is how do I do this? How do you repair a relationship with someone that you care about more than anything but are so manipulative? Is it possible to rid the situation of negativity and still stand your ground on their well-being?
Separate names with a comma.