As a relative newbie here, still trying to find my way through this forum, I have been mostly pleased and happy to welcomed to this forum, for the most part people have been swell.
Unfortunately due to perhaps one too many Christmas beers, a few days ago I posted a controversial thread in the confessions board, that for the most part, was completely true and something that I had forgotten about for years, until I came across this board.
Now I will admit I had done some fairly silly things over the years, but what I did back as a 17 year old was done with an idiotic/juvenile mentality for cheap laughs, not to cause any cruelty or pain to the victims involved (which i honestly hope and believe i don't think i did, but I cannot apologize enough anyway)
Now being a bit tanked up at the time I posted that thread, I kinda hoped to be honest, I'd win a few laughs along the way, I honestly wasn't aware of the time, how upsetting it would be to some posters, and when I sobered up and read the replies the other day, i was a little stung by some of the criticism directed, but i probably needed to read it.
For years I would consider something like that as a a harmless prank, without thinking of possible feelings or damage it could have, not out of any sociopath style lack of empathy, but more a childish/naivety.
I am 38 and fully aware I am as dysfunctional a person as you'd meet, no excuses, just plain matter of fact. I came from a broken/racially mixed marriage family, and as a result, I never really got the firm discipline i need as a child/teen (esp as I was later diagnosed by a forensic psychologist after weeks of intensive testing as having Aspergers,).
I have this reputation sometimes of being, well not say troll, but a wind-up merchant over the years, not just online but at parties, social gatherings as well. When a girl/woman would get close to me, even as a friend I'd feel very uncomfortable/scared, and say something incredibly stupid and tasteless to put her off.
I prefer my own company for the most part, I am introverted in most social situations and circles, but i often find myself wanting to speak my mind and discuss things like politics and other such sensitive topics at inappropriate times.
Same probably goes for my online behaviour (at times) and there is one or two posts here that i already regret doing (least of all the pranks thread)
But deep down, its a cliche, but I have always felt like an outsider, especially in my own forum, I don't think i have (in my heart) ever felt totally wanted in any group or social or work environment, and I would say i have developed a chip on my shoulder over this.
I have an alcohol problem, I admit it, I am trying to get off the stuff (least for all of 2019 if possible), but it will be a long haul.
But sometimes, I will admit to being prone to saying, or should i say, typing, something that whilst I may consider funny/humorous, may well be in poor taste/offensive to others (I really need to stop watching so many Trailer Park Boys episodes, I look up to Bubbles and Ricky a lot )
I am trying to find ways to improve as a person, but I admit, I gotta knuckle down and get my ass into therapy/counseling, it might sound strange, but I am really uncomfortable with the idea, and to be honest, in the past, when I have seen a shrink or a therapist, I have made up some whoppers, which defeats the purpose of it, to be brutally honest.
Anyhow, I just wanted to truly say I honestly didn't/don't mean to cause any offense, its just the type of guy I am, I'd like to think a good heart beating inside of me, i am at that stage of my life, where I probably need to grow up a bit and actually take ownership of my behaviour and social skills, and do something about it.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this and hope you have a great weekend
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