Polyamorous Beginnings: The Poly Series Pt.1
Published by Bunnielight in the blog The Inner Illumination of Bunnielight. Views: 1200
WE'RE TAUGHT, growing up, that monogamy is the way to properly function in today's society. You grow up, you get married, have babies, stay commited/get divorced/do it over again/ and somehow end up "happily ever after". Usually, when something like polyamory gets brought to the table, people's defenses fly up and their insecurities begin showing. It always surprises me how strongly people respond to this idea. It's not incredibly easy to find someone who can securely sit down and have this conversation without it getting personal, I have found. My hope in bringing it here, is to express why this works for us, HOW we've reached this point in our relationship, the positive changes it has made for us, and how overcoming obstacles and insecurities in the recent transition have helped us and continue to help make us better versions of ourselves. I would also like input from outside sources, concerns, questions. This is a learning experience for me just like it would be for anyone else so discussion is welcome.
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MY HUSBAND and I met nearly 10 years ago. I was dating a friend of his and knew on the moment I met him that this man would be something different in my life. His blunt honesty and obvious passion for sociological issues and the arts was something that affected me deeply and helped mold me as a human being. We maintained a completely platonic friendship for the first 5 years, saw each other through relationships, actually discussed sleeping together once, but that wouldn't happen until our relationship actually began.
It's really this strange relationship foundation that I believe is the reason why my husband and I are so comfortable with polyamory. We saw each other through multiple relationships from the very beginning, both healthy and unhealthy, and we maintained a strong honest friendship bond through it all. Our feelings developed mutually without pressure from the other. We simply wanted to see each other happy. Period. It is this that has brought us together and this that has held us together. I have faith and trust in that because he is my best friend.
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WITHIN THIS TRANSITION we bonded with another poly couple over a very short period of time. This couple we knew previously and I had recently learned were successfully poly. I went to them for help and guidance into making this decision. It took no time before they pursued their interest in us and initiated a "stronger than friendship" bond. They inspired us and reminded us why we loved each other as well as why we wanted to make this transition. Everything seemed very comfortable and natural.
Throughout the past 6 weeks things went incredibly quickly between all of us, resulting in the other female getting very paranoid and having a lot of disagreements with my husband as well as insecurities when it came to mine and her husbands bond. She also confessed to having feelings for me during this whole process and the idea was brought to the table several times, even by her husband on one occasion. While he and I we were discussing the way we felt about each other in private. I tried to remain honest about my adoration for her and desire to develop our friendship together, but not for a romantic relationship because it did not feel natural for me.
It's become more and more obvious exactly what they were looking for and I'm still not sure why they couldn't have been honest about that. This all has made them both back down entirely. It's been very confusing for us as they pretty much did a complete 180 over the course of a week. Most further communication with them has been solely business related. Female continues to talk to husband here and there, but she hasn't spoken to me near as much, male has ceased to speak to me other than to get photos I did for him.
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While all this sounds really sad, I'm really honestly not. The anxiety over the issue has passed and I have had a lot of time for self reflection. Even though this did not work out, it gave me a sense of self worth. One that I cannot forget. I have created a whole world for myself and my creativity, My bond with MALE helped me to realize what all I have to offer. As a female as well as an artistic persona. I have the drive. I have the resources. I have the talent. I simply need to push it and keep going. The bond that I offer is a hard one to be matched and they broke my trust by not honestly communicating what they wanted from us. Therefore also ostracizing my husband in the process. That's not cool. We deserve better than that.
I started going to the gym regularly, finding appreciation within myself, getting past my fear of judgement. I have something to offer the world and I owe it to myself to make sure that I am doing all that I can to take care of myself.
I suppose my biggest fears right now are not finding a bond that felt as fulfilling as mine was with MALE. We connected on a level that I am not used to in any relationships. Our artistic expressions flourished when we were around each other and we were able to express together. We didn't even have to talk, just a simple eye contact and we knew what page the other was on.
Those connections are so rare, particularly under these circumstances, but I need to remember my most important connection, and that is the one with myself and my art. This is what drives me and this is what I take pride in.
I just have to enjoy my expression and trust that connections will happen on their own. In the mean time, it just reminds me how special what my husband and I have is. Nothing can replace that and I am grateful for him and what we have every day. I really look forward to seeing him bond with new people as well.
So I suppose I should just enjoy the ride.
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