my sister came to visit this week-end and I feel like asshole cause...

Published by Penny in the blog Penny's blog. Views: 6

::::turned original RT thread into journal, seriously better fit here, thanks for commenting::::

...she just left and I didn't even get to say goodbye to her, because I was sleeping like a loser all afternoon. I didn't even get up my ass to go eat with the family for lunch, and she left, sometime in the afternoon, without waking me to say goodbye, probably because she felt bad... not because she'd be mad at me for not getting up, we stayed up all night last night watching films and talking and laughing, we couldn't be in better terms. I think I could have gotten up but was subconsciously depressed because I knew she was leaving, and I have no idea when I'm gonna see her again, since she works now, and has no vacations, and I'm gonna follow my parents to Spain for a while and she's going back to Paris...

I hate no saying goodbye, but sometimes it makes things easier. She told me last night she knew she was gonna cry when she had to leave, so avoiding that definitely wasn't a bad thing... cause I couldn't stand to see her sad. She hates her work, too, and living far away from the family, and it just kills me inside to know of her pain.

I have been thinking a lot about what I'm gonna do with my life, like... in the next couple months. If I'm finishing my education in the states and definitely get a job there and... live my life, at least for a good few years, there, as a resident... or start a new life in France. Closer to my sister, but still far away from my parents... and my other sister... but that's been my life pretty much all the time for the past 10 years. I'm always far from someone I love. I always miss somebody. I really can't make-up my mind, what I wanna do... I feel like it's a big decision. If I leave Europe again, I'll finish my education, get a job in America, and will definitely have to stay there, for a long time. When you work... you can't just leave in a finger snap. You can't just take long vacations all the time. But if I stay in Europe... if I move to Paris, work... same thing. I won't get another chance, in x years, to go back to America and just... get a job there... it'll be much harder, without a degree from there, being older, being... I don't know... But I feel like going back there is so pointless, I mean... yeah, school. But I didn't even give a fuck about school when I first moved there. It was an excuse to just live there. Now I realize I spent all this money... and need to pay it off... and I have better chances to work in the country if I graduate... but do I really wanna work there?? I have friends there, but... do they actually care about me, enough to fucking keep in touch with me, to miss me, to save money to travel here so they can see me again? No. I care about them like that... but I am a friend like I have no friends. It's sad. My friends here let me stay in their apartment for free for weeks at a time, without asking me anything, just happy I can be there. My friends there ask me to pay for the bar tab in exchange of their friendly help. I don't call that friendship. Especially when they knew it's not even my own money but my parent's... which means I don't have lots. And paying off my loans, that's something I'll have a real hard time doing if I start working now, without a degree or experience of interships I could take while studying etc. and why having spent all that money for nothing, you know? But... but... I really feel bitter about America. Wait did I say bitter? I don't wanna be... but I sometimes can't help it.

I don't know what I wanna do. I wish I had a great reason to go back, but for some reason I don't see one... aside from school and my school loans... but wow, that's really... depressing. And I wish I had a great reason to stay, but I don't have one either, aside from my selfish wants of being around people who care. Not selfish, childish.

This is actually making me depressed, having to make-up my mind, quick. I wish I got a sign, telling me what I need to do.

Eww. Sorry about this thread, it's depressing. I don't really know why I wrote it, maybe you could give me advice? I didn't mean for this thread to turn out like this, I guess being sad about my sister leaving made me write another existential rant.
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