Chicken Chimichangas & Trans-Substantiation: A Drunken Protestant Rant
I went looking for a late-night snack, and the best I could do was green olives and a peanutbutter sandwich. How pathetic...
A few nights ago I made chicken chimichangas.
They were SO greasy. And salty.
I had never made anything like this before. It was an inspiration from God.
Ummm...what IS a chimichanga anyway? Hold on, Google is my friend....
OK well, what I made was not actually chimichangas, but close. I fried the corn tortillas in oil first, then made the filler from shredded chicken and refried beans.
And lots of paprika.
And I drank a lot of Corona beer with it. La cerveza mas fina.
What I most wonder is: Were there chicken chimichangas at the Last Supper? And: If not, why not?
And: Why is Jesus' body made of unleavened bread? Why not chicken chimichangas?
As you can see, I think deeply about the critical issues of spiritual truth.
I know, it is thankless work... but SOMEBODY has got to do it. And I am willing to sacrifice my precious time on this beautiful Earth to meditate on these deep truths.
I am thinking my next step will be some scientific studies to determine if chicken chimichangas can be trans-substantiated into the body of Christ. I will keep you posted.
I am thinking it will be important for me to someday have a personal discussion with Deanna's parish priest about the issue of chicken chimichangas in trans-substantiation.
I tend to think that Deanna's parish priest has already had a few issues to consider regarding Deanna...why not pile on a few more issues for his consideration? I mean...that is what priests are FOR, innit?
They get eddy-cated for that shit, right? In, like, seminary and stuff.
The question in MY mind is: Does Jesus have the power to trans-substantiate chicken chimichangas into his physical body?
OR: Is the trans-substantiation power of Jesus limited to unleavened bread?
I will BET you that NO POPE has EVER considered the ramifications of this particular question. You think?
So here I am, once again breaking through to new milestones on the Spiritual Pathway!!!!
I really am amazing, ain't I?
You might think that my musings about chicken chimichangas are pointless in the overall scheme of things, however I say to you: The future of MY church hinges on this question. Cuz I propose to create a church in which chicken chimichangas are eaten for communion.
I think you must agree with me that church offshoots like this are the logical result of the Protestant movement, right?
Betcha Martin Luther never saw THIS shit coming.
Martin Luther never even HEARD of chicken chimichangas!!!!! So wtf did he really know at all???
I will tell you truly: There was not ONE. SINGLE. MENTION. Of chicken chimichangas on the 95 theses that Martin Luther nailed on the Wittenberg door.
I should prolly go into some kinda divinely inspired seizure involving some degree of mouth-frothing at this point, however perhaps I have failed to drink enough wine to manage that. Mea culpa, mea magna culpa...
See, I have spoken in Latin, the Holy Language of God.
The magic does not work unless spoken in Latin. Domini, domini, domini...
In nomine patri et fili et spiritus sancti amen.
But...wutever happened to, like, Hebrew...? The language of the Chosen People?
Baruch atah, adonai eluheynu, melech ha' olam.
You will not easily find a translation on Google for the anglicized version I quoted, so I will translate the Hebrew: Blessed are you, O Lord our God, ruler of the universe.
I have reached the end of wine's power over me for tonight...I regret to say, but I must tell you the Truth!!!
13. And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. I Thessalonians 5:23
Verily I say unto you: Do not trouble yourselves with vain thoughts of chicken chimichangas. For the Lord your God knows your fears and your laments, and will cleanse your souls from all unrighteousness, now and forever, world without end, amen.
Now I lay me down to sleep...
...if I die before I wake...
...I only wish I had gotten to eat more chicken chimichangas...
Of course, maybe it was the chicken chimichangas that killed me!
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