Your wife is vanilla, you like it spicier…

Hey all

So as the title says, my wife and I are very different when it comes to sex. She’s completely vanilla, but I like to be more playful and am trying to spice things up. Sometimes it feels like having sex with a nun.
We still do have sex about once every 7 - 10 days, so it’s not like we’re sexless. But we’re parents of two kids, ages 8 & 5 - so there is a degree of the kids wearing us out and we’re tired more often than not. We are older parents in our 50’s (kids are adopted) and she has already gone through menopause.
But the issue is when we do have sex, she just can’t seem to find it in herself to spice things up at all. She remains silent and never says anything. She also can’t break away from our usual routine. It’s like she’s scared to open up and tell me if she likes something or she won’t really suggest anything. When I ask her if there’s anything that she likes, she just says “women just want to be loved”.
When we didn’t have kids she used to be a lot more enthusiastic about sex and she would initiate things from time to time. These days I feel as if I don’t suggest anything that we’ll never have sex again. She says she enjoys it but I suspect that now she’s just doing it to make me happy, not for her enjoyment. I also think that the kids have sucked the passion right out of her. She’s now in mommy mode and has no time or energy to be a wife.
I love her and don’t want to cheat on her but I’m afraid that we’re on the road toward a sexless marriage.

 

My wife and I have sex almost daily. She is somewhat adventurous but more reserved over the years. She tacitly understands my drive has always been higher. I have been with my fwb and fb for many years and have had countless encounters with others I have generally met at the gym. This includes adult entertainers and others who have high drives. It is mutually beneficial. My fwb and fb are phenomenal friends and our sessions can be very engaging

 

Hi there, this sounds very much like my wife who seems to have lost all interest in having sex and as we are in the latter stages of life I didn't expect this as she always was able to satisfy my desire for regular sex, often with others! However now she does not seem interested at all, she is 73 and still a with a good figure, I have been having problems with an enlarged prostate and the medication I have to take and the after-effects they have (Loss of libido) has me seeking Studs to keep her happy, yet she no longer wants to engage and her sexual needs seem to be zero, this in turn has turned our relationship upside down. We live day to day with nothing to look forward to and absolutely no hope of anything changing any time soon.

 

As most of you know, I have been on this site for many years. That said, the dynamics of each relationship is different so I will take it back to the original poster.
1) Men can and do think about sex more than women. This can lead to overwhelming mental anxiety.
2) Your wife is in the grind of her life. Work, child rearing and other responsibilities.
3) Physical changes.
My wife and I weathered all the above. But, it takes a whole lot of patience and understanding. For what it’s worth, we are 70 and 66 and our sex life has evolved to the absolute best it has ever been, and has taken a lot of work. We prioritize our sexual heath and talk about it daily.
Suggestion only: Sit down with her (knee to knee), hold her hand and discuss your desires, but don’t put her on the defensive. Explain to her that you recognize that life has changed your relationship together, and it’s not her fault. Be supportive, but make your points. Explain to her that you hope she understands and that you love her.
Respectfully, I’m no phycologist.

 

Thanks, Jack. Good to hear from someone who’s been through it already. It really sucks when life throws all this stuff at you at once and you’re in the middle of it. I’m trying my best to be patient and realize that we’re at the toughest point in terms of raising kids, and we’re at an older age than most parents of young kids.
I’m trying not to push her too hard but at the same time I’d just like to recapture some of the spontaneity and fun of our dating years. A little effort from her from time to time would go a really long way.

 

Like I told someone else... couples counseling might help.

Does she like to read? Get her some quality erotica. Or even the Gray books. They might put ideas in her mind.

Try giving her more non-sexual touch. No pressure. On that kids-free evening you planned and set up! (Every married-with-children couple needs some scheduled date nights.)

Good luck!

 

Oh, and have her see her doctor. Menopause messes with the body's chemistry.

 

Hey buddy your experiencing what most guys go through at some point in married life.
Yeah it's tough to deal with and our imaginations seem to lead us to believe that things cannot ever get better but only stay the same at best.
Let's put some things in perspective.
Having sex with a nun would be extremely hot!!
Adopting 2 kids is one of most honorable things a couple could ever do.
You never stated how long you've been married or how long you've had the kids.
The both of you being in your early 50s and the kids being 8 and 5; That means you've been having sex without kids around for longer than most of us parents. So your not getting much sympathy from me. You got to have your younger to middle age adult life kid free and indulge in a sex life through the physically prime time of your lives.
It kind of sounds like to me you may be having second thoughts about adopting these kids.
No, raising kids ain't easy, even in your 20s. You and your wife have passed the point of ever returning back to that place you were at before adoption. Even if you got rid of the kids now the animosity between the two of you would tear you apart.
Look, not all of us are born to be porn stars. Your still getting sex whenever you want it for the most part.
Your wife's dream of being a mother has come true.
My advise for your situation would be to focus on being a "Superdad". If your wife sees you in that light it would probably make her desire you more.
Congratulations on becoming parents.

 

It sounds like you’re navigating a challenging phase in your relationship, and it’s commendable that you’re approaching this with sensitivity and genuine concern. Your situation is a common one among couples, especially those with children and the added responsibilities that come with being older parents. Juggling parenthood, personal needs, and the shifting dynamics of aging is no small feat, and it’s clear you value your marriage deeply.

From what you’ve shared, it seems that there are several contributing factors to your wife’s disinterest in spicing things up sexually. Her response, “women just want to be loved,” might reveal an underlying need for emotional closeness and affirmation, which may be her priority in intimacy now. Since she has gone through menopause, physiological changes could also play a role, as it can impact libido, comfort, and overall energy levels. For many women, this transition affects not just their body but their self-perception and emotional needs, which can translate into a more reserved approach toward sex.

Parenthood adds a layer of complexity, too. Having young kids, even at your stage in life, can be mentally and physically exhausting, especially if your wife is feeling a strong pull toward her “mom” identity. This identity shift is common among parents and can lead to a sense of disconnection from other roles, like that of a spouse or a romantic partner. It sounds like she may be prioritizing the family aspect of her life to the extent that it’s draining her capacity to engage as freely in intimate aspects of the relationship.

One approach that might help is shifting the focus from “spicing things up” sexually to finding ways to reconnect emotionally. Even simple actions like spending quiet time together, taking up an activity you both enjoy, or planning regular date nights (even at home) can help rekindle a sense of closeness. When she feels loved and valued beyond the responsibilities of parenting, she may feel more open to intimacy in other ways. Consider setting aside moments for non-sexual physical closeness, like holding hands or cuddling, to foster comfort and closeness without the pressure to be intimate.

It might also help to gently bring up the topic in a neutral, non-sexual context. Try approaching her during a time when you’re both relaxed and encourage an open conversation where you can express your needs while affirming that you care about her comfort. Asking questions that aren’t directly related to sex—like how she’s feeling in general, her thoughts on being parents together, or her future hopes for your relationship—can reveal underlying concerns or emotions she may not have vocalized yet.

In some cases, couples counseling can be beneficial for working through complex issues like these. Having a professional to mediate and provide tools for better communication can help you both feel understood and validated. But if you’re looking for immediate ways to reignite the passion and explore new ideas, why not check out some expert resources designed to help couples rediscover intimacy? Explore tailored advice and ideas [here] to bring some spark back into your relationship. Taking this step could be the start of something transformative and help create a fulfilling connection for both of you.

 

My wife, likes to be fucked, but that's it.

She isn't interested in any other sexual activity. She doesn't want to try new things or make it about me.

If your wife is in her 50's and past menopause, you are out of luck. She will not change her stripes at this age.

Sorry