Your daily joke thread!

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More:

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains

A park employee came running, yelling “STOP! You cant do that here!”
I said “Why not?”
He said “You have to cremate him first!”

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

Put me in coach.

What did the river say when it saw beavers approaching?

Well, I’ll be dammed…

 

You should still make friends, just for the halibut.

 

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I said to my wife, 'I can't eat this beef stew.' She said, 'Shut up! It's custard pie!'

 

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Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now?

Diabetes.

One day Winnie asks Eeyore “We have such a nice life. Why are you always so depressed?”

Eeyore: “Cause I have a nail in my ass.”

How did Samuel L Jackson die in Star Wars?

He fell out of the Windu.

Help me, doctor!

I have an irrational fear of Vietamese soup!
Oh, that’s just a Pho-bia.

"Your call is very important to us…

… Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Help me, doctor!

Everyone I know tells me I’m a habitual liar!
Oh, I find that hard to believe.

 

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