Your daily joke thread!

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My wife walks to the store every day to buy lottery tickets. I told her that her odds of getting struck by lightning are greater than her odds of winning the lottery.

Now she sends me to get her tickets.

(BTW, I am not personally married .)

 

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Oldie, but goodie (I at least think ):

THE TRUTH ABOUT SUPERSTITIONS ACCORDING TO GROUCHO MARX:

~When a person's nose itches, it's a sign it should be scratched.

~A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

~Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only 12 chops.

~Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbor‒if the neighbor is trying to sleep late.

~Throwing salt over the shoulder is likely to give the impression that the man who throws the salt has dandruff.

~Finding a four-leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your hands and knees.

~To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you have had too much the night before.

~To carry a rabbit's foot is a sign that you are a good shot with a gun‒or have a friend who is.

~When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen.

 

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Doctor: Now we’ll do your prostate exam. Please drop your pants and bend over.
Patient: OK. (does as instructed)
Doctor: This time, Dave, try not to get aroused.
Patient: My name’s not Dave.
Doctor: I know, that’s my name.

 

There was a group of three men, who’d been friends since grade school and all the way through college, and beyond.

A few years into adulthood, one of the men says, “I can’t keep living a lie. All my life, I feel that I’ve been a woman. I’m going to start presenting as a woman, and get the surgery.” Her friends were very supportive of her decision.

The next time they get together, the friend has gotten the surgery, and is presenting as a woman. The other two members of their friend group, naturally, have some questions.

“Looking very nice,” one of them says. “I want to know, though-- what was the most painful part of the transition? Was it when they removed your penis?”

“No,” the woman replies. “That hurt, but after awhile, I barely noticed its absence.”

“Surely, it was when they took your balls,” the other friend said.

“No. That was pretty painful, but I’m fine now. There is a lingering pain in another way, though.”

“What was that?”

“When they halved my salary.”

 

STANDARD PROCEDURE::
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.
Finally,
the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,'
he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky,
but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure,
but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a time, someone asked,
'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded,
'$5,000 for a male brain;
$200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward.

Some of the men actually had to try to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.
A man unable to control his curiosity,
finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain
so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, '
It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

 

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A lawyer arrives late because of traffic, to a very important trial and cannot find a parking place to leave his car and says:
- God, please find me a parking space and I promise I will go to church on Sundays, give up my vices and not have sex with my secretary, who is also married.
Miraculously, at that moment, a vehicle pulls up, a free space appears and parks the car. The lawyer gets out of the car, looks at the sky and says:
-Don't worry, God, I've already found a place for the car, but thanks anyway.

- Mum, are there laws in heaven?
- No, son, to have laws you need politicians and lawyers.

A man goes to a lawyer.
- How much do you charge for a quick consultation?
- 100 euros for three questions.
- That's a bit expensive, isn't it?
- Yes... and tell me, what is your third question?

The judge asks the defendant:
- So, you insist that you don't want a lawyer?
- No, today I want to tell the truth.

 

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Q: What does a perverted frog say?
A: Rubbit

Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.

Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
A: As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.