Your daily joke thread!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

 

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian told me to take it out.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong. On so many levels.

Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snowblower coming.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."

 

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One day two young brothers ages 11 & 9, were getting ready for school. Mark, the older brother, said to his younger brother Johnny...."I think we're old enough to swear. Dad does it all the time". Johnny agreed and asked Mark what he was going to say.

Mark says "I think I'll say hell". Oooh, that's a good one says Johnny. Mark asks Johnny what he is going to say. Johnny pauses, thinks a little and says "I'm going to say ass". Oooh, that's a good one says Mark.

So the boys go downstairs and sit at the kitchen table for breakfast. Mom is there in the kitchen and asks Mark..."Mark, what would you like for breakfast?" Mark thinks and says "Oh hell, I'll take some Cheerios". Astonished at what her son just said, mom comes up to Mark, slaps him on the face and sends him up to his room crying.

She then turns to Johnny and says..."Johnny, what would YOU like for breakfast?". Seeing what just happened to Mark he replies...."I don't know, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

Have you heard about the new restaurant, 'Karma'?

There's no menu. You get what you deserve.

 

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For anyone who is in hospital and needs to Get Well Soon!



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Back in the days of the old west, there was a young lad who felt he was ready to have sex. So one day he ventured to town, walked into the saloon, went upstairs and knocked on the lady's bedroom door.

The door opens and the lady sees the young lad standing there. He tells her that he'd like to have sex. She says "Boy, you're so young, do you have any experience?" He says no, he has no experience. She tells him to leave and come back some day when he has experience.

Dejected, the young lad walks out of the saloon. As he exits the saloon, a cowboy comes up and asks what he's doing there. The lad explains how he came for sex, but got turned down because he has no experience. The cowboy puts his arm around the lad's shoulder, points and says "You see the forest over there? You go into the forest, find a hole in the tree, and screw that hole for a month. Then come back."

So a month goes by and sure enough, the lad comes back to the saloon, walks upstairs and knocks on the lady's door. The door opens, the lady sees him and says "You got experience now" to which the lad says "Yes ma'am, now I have experience."

So she let's him in, walks over to the edge of the bed and bends over. The lad gets in behind her, lifts up her dress and with his left hand, raises it up in the air and smacks her on the left butt cheek! Then he takes his right hand, raises it in the air and smacks her on the right butt cheek!

The lady turns to him and says "What the hell is this? Kinky sex?" He replies "No ma'am. I'm just checkin' for bees!"

 

I guessed this too soon.

 

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!

What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.

 

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