Your daily joke thread!

I used to think it was funny. To call a video store (remember those) and say. "Hey. I want you to give my money back with this porn tape. The plot was weak and there wasn't enough ass play".

I told my father that one when I thought of it. And he thought it was funny too. (And he was kind of religious himself.)

 

Some movies are so corny and funny, you have to wonder if they weren't meant that way on purpose. Even horror films, like "The Exorcist" with Linda Blair. "The Exorcist" came out in 1973.

In that movie, the protagonist Father Demis, is trying to prove that a little girl (played by Blair) is possessed. But do you have proof? his superiors ask. He says, well. She's levitating off the bed. Oh, and her head is spinning around. No, they tell him. I mean REAL proof. So they say, okay. We'll give you some holy water to sprinkle on her. Tell us what happens. He sprinkles holy water on Blair, in the form of a cross if you'll remember. And she levitates off the bed again. And now steam starts coming out of her as she screams "It burns!! It burns!!" Demis tells his superiors what happened. And they say, yes. But that wasn't real holy water. Son of gun! He says. It wasn't real holy water. Okay, then, they say. Could you record her speaking a foreign language? One she couldn't possibly know? And when they meet next, she starts talking really weird, and he records it. He takes it back to his superiors again. They say, no. She wasn't speaking a foreign language. That's just English backwards. Son of gun! He mumbles again, under he breath. But, they tell him. We'll let it slide this time. We'll let you do the exorcism. Yeah, they'll let it slide this time.

And BTW, fun trivia fact. That really is pea soup Blair spitting in the movie. They thought it would look really gross. I remember, for a while that was an old joke. If for example you argued with your girl friend, you'd pause. And she'd say "What?" And you'd respond, I'm waiting for you to start spitting pea soup now. IOW, you're acting like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist".

 

Al Bundy Addresses The Feminists. by Jimbee68 posted Sep 17, 2024 at 2:31 PM

 

Support The Communist Party Now. by Jimbee68 posted Sep 29, 2024 at 7:43 PM

 

His Name Is Andy... by Jimbee68 posted Oct 3, 2024 at 2:50 AM

A Christian man had just died and was in heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel and the angel asked him what God's name was.

"Oh that's easy" the man replied, "His name is Andy." "What makes you think his name is Andy?" the angel asked incredulously. "Well, you see in church we'd sing "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me..."

 

RECENT MEME I SAW:

If God is real why is there suffering in the world?

The world disobeys God's instructions and reaps what it sows.

ME:

Yeah, every time a Christian stubs his toe or loses the lottery, he deserves it! Tell me about it LOL...

 

"If my son at 15 tells me that he's gay I'm gonna send military school the very next day. Because I love him, and I wanna to him the give chance, to shower with hot dudes every day."

-Pedro Gonzales,
(NY standup comedian).

 

Auto-correct keeps capitalizing things on my phone. It keeps changing "bills" to "Bill's". Who's Bill?

 

Why did everyone back in Biblical times speak Jacobean English?

And why did everyone in Shakespeare's time talk in iambic pentameter. That's hard to do, if you do it longer than one or two sentences.

And why did all the aliens on Star Trek, some who never met humans, speak English? Of course the green alien Kang on the Simpsons had one possible explanation:

"Greetings, Earthlings. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm."
"You speak English."
"I'm speaking Rigelian. By an astonishing coincidence, both our languages are exactly the same..."

 

You know, when I was in the Cub Scouts, I asked my mother. Do I really have to memorize the Scout Oath (you know, the one that goes "On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country, to help other people, etc.")? Maybe when I am in that group with the other boys, I can just pretend to mouth along. Well, my mother said. That idea wouldn't work if everyone did it, dear.

Or, I like what Homer Simpson once said, when he was asked by his rich brother Herb to design the perfect car. "You know, the little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car? Every car should have that!"

 

Why do Irish lawyers all have flat noses?

Chasing parked ambulances.

(Couldn't resist.)

 

Random Thought...

If it weren't for Thomas Edison, we'd all be working on our laptops and watching TV by candlelight.

 

Saw my Ex as I was driving down the road today.
Isn't it odd how in another time and place, "I'd hit that" has an entirely different meaning.

 

WIFE: "Do you remember the words you regret the most?"

HUSBAND: "I do."

 

And on that note.....

A taxi driver picks up a nun and hesitantly asks her a question, fearing it might offend her. The nun reassures him, saying she’s heard it all. He confesses: “Well… I have always had a fantasy of receiving oral from a nun.”. The nun, a bit surprised but calm, responds “that is fine, my son. I can help, but only if you are not married”. The driver responds quickly: “that’s not a problem, I am not married!”. They stop, and she fulfills his fantasy. However, when they start driving again, the driver admits: “I’m sorry but I have lied to you, I’m married.” The nun replied “That’s fine, my son. I haven’t been very honest with you either: my name is actually Freddie, and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

 

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said yes; all the others were nines and tens.

 

The Truth About Superstitions According To Groucho Marx:

• When a person's nose itches, it's a sign it should be scratched.

• A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

• Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only 12 chops.

• Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbor-if the neighbor is trying to sleep late.

• Throwing salt over the shoulder is likely to give the impression that the man who throws the salt has dandruff.

• Finding a four-leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your hands and knees.

• To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you have had too much the night before.

• To carry a rabbit's foot is a sign that you are a good shot with a gun-or have a friend who is.

• When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen.

 

"My ex boyfriend was a clown."

"Looks like I have some pretty big shoes to fill."

 

I'm Tired Of People Complaining My Religious Rants Are Too Long. by Jimbee68 posted Nov 2, 2024 at 10:07 AM