Your daily joke thread!

I had a professor in college, for one of those general side classes you had to take that were generally useless... He was from western Africa and had quite a strong accent. He was very fond of using the term "the fact of the matter" in conversation, but it always sounded like "de fuck of de muddah"... we laughed the first few times.. Funny the things you remember...

 

At St. S Church, Fr. Arnold always sounded like he was saying "may the piss of the Lord be with you". And we'd all laugh. And then one time I sang "piss is flowing like a river, flowing out of you and me". And everyone got so angry. Why? Mine wasn't even blasphemous.

 

Hopefully you remember your maths from school.

Three squaws were sitting on their hides outside their wigwams, discussing their children.
The one on the goat hide was discussing her only child, while the one sitting on the cowhide was discussing her twins, Finally, the squaw sitting on the hippo hide started talking about her three children.

This proves, that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides

 

As always Zen you are a cut above the rest off us. You are outstanding, and your team. Keep up the good work.

 

Your jokes, have me in stitches. You, fellow HP members and staff, make the world a better place.

 

A man finds out that his daughter hasn't had a period in two months.
He goes the corner drug store to be a pregnancy testing kit, and has his daughter use it.
When it turns out she is in fact pregnant, the man demands to know where to find the man who knocked her up.
Reluctantly, she tells him to go to the local bar.

The man grabs two loaded pistols and a shotgun and quickly goes to the bar.
Once there he storms in and demands; "Which one of you got my Daughter Pregnant?"
The Bartender raises his hand, and the man turns to him.
"Oh so it was you, you son of a bitch/"
"No," the Bartender says, adamantly denying the accusation.

"Then why'd you raise you hand?" asks, the father.
The Bartender says, "I just wanted to let you know, you don't have enough Bullets."

 

In adultery there are no winners. But taking part is more important than winning.


What do you call a cat that's guilty of infidelity? A cheetah.


An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on a plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess than asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh no, I'd rather commit adultery than drink alcohol. The elderly doctor then promptly hands his gin and tonic back to the air hostess and said, "Madam, I didn't know there was a choice!"


A new minister is berating his congregation. "Yea be there any among you who commit adultery, may his tongue cleave to da ruff o hith moufh."


What's the difference between American women and middle eastern women? American women get stoned before they commit adultery.


"I asked a Chinese girl for her number. And she said, 'Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!'" "Wow!" "Yeah. But then her friend said, "She means 666-3629!"


An old man and his wife were sitting one evening watching TV. The old man kept switching between a fishing channel and the adult channel. His wife was watching him switching back and forth between the fishing and porn channel. Finally she broke the silence. "For goodness sake Hal. You might as well keep it on the smut channel. You already know how to fish!"


Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a man's sex drive by up 90%. Especially if his wife eats a lot of it. It's called the wedding cake.

 

The Tsetse Fly gives humans African sleeping sickness by biting and defecating on them at the same time. They say bugs are pretty dumb. But could you do that?

 

Of course I can lol.

 

A young, newlywed couple sits down for a quite dinner in their new home.
Suddenly the wife grabs her chest, gasps and falls to the floor and begins sobbing.
The attentive husband dials 911 and the Paramedics arrive and transport her to the Hospital Emergency Department.

After several hours and a battery of testing, the Cardiac Specialist comes out to the waiting room to talk to the Husband.
DOCTOR: Your wife is dong just fine Sir, please relax.
HUBBY: What's wrong with her, Doctor? What happened?
DOCTOR: Sir, your wife has Acute Angina.
Puzzled, the husband responds
HUBBY: I know, but what's wrong with her?

 

An 18 year old gil tells her Mother that she hasn't had her period in two months. The worried mother rushes to a pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test.

THe test shows that the girl is pregnant. Theoutraged Mother screams, who is the snake that made oyu pregnant? The girl pulls out her phone and makes a call.

A few minutes later, a Rolls ROyce Phantom Limo pulls up outside the house. A young, hansome, wealthy man steps out. He approaches and says, Ma'am, I can't marry your Daughter, due to a personal family issue, but I will make sure the child is well cared for.

If the child is a boy, I will give him a Mansion, a Business and a million dollar bank account. If it is a girl, I will give her three mansion, and a two million dollar bank account.

But if there was a miscarriage, I ... The man is stopped by the father putting a hand on his shoulder and says to him, You'll try again.

 

A fisherman working on Loch-ness used to take visitors out looking for monsters, to supplement his income.
His pet hate, was people destroying the tranquillity by chatting on their phones.
One afternoon, someone spotted a submerged tree trunk and shouted out "Look", needless to say, everyone flocked to the side of the boat and started leaning over.
The fisherman was highly amused when a guys phone fell out of his shirt pocket and "plopped" into the water.
He decided to get his son or one of the other workers to keep shouting look, to keep his visitors feeling that they were getting value for money. Meanwhile he was keeping a tally on the phones going overboard.

About 2 years later, after a guy was mourning the loss of his phone, the boat owner handed him an engraved plate. The engraving was of a phone and the inscription read "In memory of the 200th phone donated to feed the Loch-ness monster".

PS, The real joke, is that this is an absolutely true story.

 

Q: What do Frozen Beer, Burnt Pizza, and a Pregnant Woman have in common?

A: The Idiot that couldn't pull out in time.

 

I always make sure to say "mucho" around my Spanish-speaking friend. It means a lot to them.

 

A conservative Christian once sent Hustler magazine a letter complaining how the kids in their neighborhood were getting ahold of the magazine. Hustler said, well of course that is illegal, to give a kid an explicit magazine. But how would you know? Are following them around? And when they get it home. Are you watching them?

 

So....who puts their beer in the freezer?

 

"If you have to explain the Joke, it isn't funny anymore!"
-- The Joker

 

Man goes into the Tesla Dealership to order a new Model 3. The man behind the sevice counter says, "We have a 10 year waiting list right now."

The customer replies. "Ok, let's get the process started." So they fill out paperwork and the customer hands over a cashier's check for the full amount.

"Wonderful," says the salesman. "Come back in 10 year to pick up your car."

Customer replies, "What time? Morning or Afternoon?"

THe Salesman says, "It's going to be 10 years, what's the difference?"

THe Customer smiles and say, "The Plumber is coming in the Morning."

 

Some guy on FB recently asked me what would you do if you were a principle in a high school. I told him. The principle in a HS is to learn. Any principal would tell you that.

 

A young Irish girl goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned". The priest replies, "Go ahead, my child".
"Well," she says, "Last night I made love to me boyfriend... five times! And it was glorious, Father! He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seeing the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next morning. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin. So I’ve come seekin’ absolution.

The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young girl and says, "All right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away." The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, "Will that absolve me of me sin Father?" The old priest replies, "No. But it’ll wipe that smile off yer face."