Your daily joke thread!

A blonde and a brunette are talking. The blonde says, "My boyfriend has really bad dandruff!"
The brunette says, "So give him some Head & Shoulders!"
The blonde replies, "Uh...how do I give him shoulders?"

 

What is black, white, and red all over?
An embarrassed nun

 

What is black, white, and read all over?
A newspaper. lol

 

Also a penguin with a sunburn!

 

SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED

• Sipping her drink, the SINGLE girl leered and said

"Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

• The ENGAGED woman giggled and said

"That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

• The MARRIED woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning.

I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.
I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,
"Hey, Batman, What's for dinner?"

 

excerpts from an old Reader's Digest column "Church Bulletins" to brighten your day.

Some old ones, some new funnier ones!

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

 

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take one day off!

 

I got fired from an orange juice factory because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I got fired from a SIM card factory because I refused to cut corners.

 

What is brown and sticky?
A stick.

 

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I should certainly hope so!

 

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Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.