Your daily joke thread!

As a little kid we used to say "takes one to know one". Doesn't that mean you're "one" too?

 

Another short one from our daughter, proving that she was born in Ireland.

Paddy jumped off the top of the scaffolding, after the foreman told him that he had flown Wellingtons during WW2.

 

My wife told me the cat needed to be chipped.
I only had a 9 iron, but I still managed to get it over the shed.

 

Could you please translate that into American?

 

I sometimes wonder why things as a child seem less funny. When I was a kid, my friend Tommy and I thought it'd be hilarious to write a fortune cookie message that said "Help, I'm being held hostage in a Chinese fortune cookie factory". Why did we think that was funny?

 

When asked for a password, why not just use the word "password"? Because who would suspect?

 

In the past, a new Nokia phone had 'password' as the default password until you changed it.
More than 20% of people did not bother.

 

I had this joke I was doing a while back. I'd put a plastic coin that looked just like a Sacajawea dollar in a urinal. Now in a urinal that joke was funny. It a toilet it just wouldn't be funny.

 

"Pierce Talbott asked me to marry him today?... He said I remind him of his chocolate pudding. When was the last time you said something like that?"

—Ellen Cleghorne, The Young and the Youthful, "Saturday Night Live", Dec. 10, 1994.

 

Old Joke:

How does Dan Quayle sing "Old MacDonald had a farm"?

Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O...E!

 

Moe: Moe's Tavern.

Bart: [on phone] Is Mr. Freely there?

Moe: Who?

Bart: Freely, first initials I.P.

Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey everybody, I.P. Freely!

[barflies laugh]

The Simpsons, Homer's Odyssey (1989).


Moe: Phone call for Al. Al Caholic. Is there an Al Caholic here?

[Everybody laugh]

Moe: Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rabbit jackass! If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill you!

[Moe slams the phone and Bart and Lisa laugh]

The Simpsons, Some Enchanted Evening (1990).


Moe: Moe's Tavern. ... Hold on, I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.

The Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror II (1991).

 

Heard these on the TV (telly) last night.

Why is it that women go to toilet in pairs but when I do it in the greengrocer's they throw me out?
I bought a christmas tree and the shop-owner asked if I was going to put it up myself. No; sitting room, I said.

 

A man went to the doctor. And he said Doctor, you've got to help me! Last night I dreamt I was a teepee. Okay, come back tomorrow, the doctor said. The next day he said, Doctor, this night I dreamt I was a wigwam! Ah! There's your problem, the doctor said. You're two tents.

 

Cats are better than babies.
When you're done petting them, you can just drop them on the floor.

 

A man goes to a doctor. And the doctor tells him to pull down his pants and bend over.

"Okay, Steve" the doctor said. "This is your first prostate exam. Let's try not to get too excited." "Uh, Doctor" the man says, "My name is not Steve." "I know" the doctor says. "My name is Steve."

 

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.

 

NEW RULE:
When buying a cake, tell them it's for a Gay wedding. If they don't balk, say you were just kidding; it's for your kid's birthday.
You were just making sure they weren't an asshole.