Your daily joke thread!

Discussion in 'Random Thoughts' started by ~Zen~, Mar 8, 2022.

  1. newo

    newo Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    [​IMG]
     
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  2. Piobaire

    Piobaire Village Idiot

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    Saying Trump ruined the Republican Party is like saying spoiled mayonnaise ruined a pickle and shit sandwich.
     
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  3. Jimbee68

    Jimbee68 Member

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    If I the choice of meeting one of two people, living or dead, I think the choice would be obvious. The living person of course.
     
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  4. hotwater

    hotwater Senior Member Lifetime Supporter

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  5. hotwater

    hotwater Senior Member Lifetime Supporter

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    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2023
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  6. Jimbee68

    Jimbee68 Member

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    The liberals are aborting them later and later and the conservatives are executing them younger and younger.

    Maybe some day the twain shall meet, and then they'll truly have some common ground.
     
  7. Jimbee68

    Jimbee68 Member

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    To quote "Hamlet", Act III, Scene 3, Line 92:

    "No."
     
  8. Jimbee68

    Jimbee68 Member

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    A philosophy group on Twitter just asked me what random advice I would give someone today.


    I told them Wmegg hluive newqof hpoits?
     
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  9. hotwater

    hotwater Senior Member Lifetime Supporter

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  10. Jimbee68

    Jimbee68 Member

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    Groucho Marx: So, you got any kids?

    Female Contestant: Yes, Groucho, I have eleven children.

    Groucho: Eleven?! Did you say eleven kids?

    Female Contestant: Well, I love my husband.

    Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

    (1947 or ’48, "You Bet Your Life" [radio].)
     
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  11. Jimbee68

    Jimbee68 Member

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    Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'. Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine." Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head." Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine." Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."
     
  12. Jimbee68

    Jimbee68 Member

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    People wonder on Gilligan's Island where did they get all that clothes. But what about the bedding?

    The skipper and Gilligan obviously got their hammocks from the ship. But did you ever see the Howell's beds? And Ginger and Maryann's?

    And they had tables, and chairs and cars (albeit with foot pedals). And I have always wanted to ask: where'd they get the coconut cream pie for goodness sake?
     
  13. Jimbee68

    Jimbee68 Member

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    Someone once asked me what inspired me to get out of bed every morning.

    (I told him sleep paralysis.)
     
  14. Toker

    Toker Lifetime Supporter

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    That's cause Gilligan's island was the first airbnb.
     
  15. Jimbee68

    Jimbee68 Member

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    This would be a good one for a minister (any of them here?).

    An old bearded man was climbing a mountain. Maybe it was the tallest mountain in the world. And when he gets to the top, he meets God.

    "Lord," he says. "I just have three questions for you." "Ask away," God says. "Is it true to you a million dollars is just like a penny?" "That is true," the Lord says. Next question, "Is it true to you a million years is like a second?" "That is also true," God says.

    "In that case can I have a 'penny'?"

    "Sure. In just one 'second'."
     
  16. Jimbee68

    Jimbee68 Member

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    An Old Buddy Hackett Joke:

    A very young amorous couple were walking through a cemetary and feeling frisky . So the woman lay down on a grave marker and they made love.

    A week later the woman's back is still hurting her , so she sees a doctor. The doctor tells her to disrobe, then tells her to turn around to examine her back .

    The doctor asks her," How old are you?". She says," I'm 20 years old. Why do you ask." The doctor replies, " Because your ass says you died in 1898."
     
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  17. Jimbee68

    Jimbee68 Member

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    A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this - some kind of joke?"
     
  18. Jimbee68

    Jimbee68 Member

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    Anyone here go to U of M, Dearborn, MI in the 1990's?

    Oh, because I used to write this on the bathroom walls of U of M/Dearborn, when I was going there in the early 90's. I'm serious.

    Anyone going there then remember that (it was me):

    Useful language skills...

    English—————————————Fuck, Shit

    French——————————————Foutre, Merde

    Italian—————————————Fottere, Merda

    German——————————————Ficken, Scheißen
     
  19. Moon Goddess

    Moon Goddess Supporter HipForums Supporter

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  20. Moon Goddess

    Moon Goddess Supporter HipForums Supporter

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