Your daily joke thread!

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.


When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!"


Then, I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then, I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."


When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.


He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny -- I have the same problem."


One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."


When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."


Then, I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."


Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

 

Ronald Reagan liked playing with squirrels. For some reason I miss that...

 

All of the noises I used to make during sex I now make just trying to get out of a chair.

 

Monica Lewinsky said she became a Republican to spite her former boss. Ms. Lewinsky, Bill Clinton was a moderate. If you want to spite him, become a communist.

 

There was a young Lutheran named Alice
Who pissed into the Catholic chalice;
"I do this" said she,
"Of great need to pee
And not sectarian malice."

 

I helped my neighbor bury a rolled-up carpet last night; boy, was it heavy.
Her boyfriend would've done it, but he's out of town.

 

I think the joke sounds better if you insert "oddly" before ",he's" . Just my opinion. That's how I just posted it on Facebook and Twitter. Also I start the next sentence as a new paragraph. For irony. Or dramatic pause .

 

Yeah, you know there was this scam some guy said send me your money and I'll send you some cryptocurrency. But it was a fraud. He just kept your money. Could've been worse though. He could have been dealing in real cryptocurrency.

 

My wife was at Walmart and said the cashier was a royal bitch. I told her, Honey, you were at the self-checkout.

 

What were Tattoo's favorite M&M's? The plain! The plain!

Anyone here even old enough to understand that joke?