Your daily joke thread!

FRIGHTENING THOUGHT:

According to U.S. law, drive up ATM's must be in Braille.

 

You know, Arnold Schwarzenegger once did a movie on a modern jazz quartet.?


Me, I don't know. I just don't think I like that much sax and violins.

 

A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take.

"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets to be too much for us, we use that."

So the sailor went over to the barrel and decided to give it a go. Finding it was better than he'd expected, he began using it regularly, and his problems seemed to vanish.

After a couple of weeks, his commanding officer began to take notice, and said, "You seem to be a lot more relaxed. What's your secret?"

The sailor, embarrassed to give a straight answer, simply said he'd been getting better rest.

"Well good, sailor. You're going to need it," replied the officer. "Today's your turn in the barrel."

 

.

 

It's Wednesday

 

( This is from an old article in the Chicago Reader. So if you think it is stupid your beef is with them, not I ...)

A Harvard man and a Yale man are at the urinal. They finish and zip up. The Harvard man proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the Yale man immediately makes for the exit.

The Harvard man says, "At Hah-vahd they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate."

The Yale man replies, "At Yale they teach us not to piss on our hands."

 

One fire truck and 20 cops show up to a call. What happened?
Dunkin Donuts burnt down.

There’s a man in the town who’s stealing the wheels of police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Female Police Officer: "Anything you say can or will be held against you."
Me: "Your tits."

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

Which is the only place in town that has 24/7 police protection from thieves and robbers?
Your neighborhood donut shop.

I told my wife I'd apologize when pigs fly.
Then I remembered the police have helicopters now.

 

A guy with leprosy walks into a bar. He sits down next to a man and order a beer. A few minutes pass and the guy next to the leper vomits all over the bar. The leper, being used to it, moves to the other end of the bar.

A few minutes later, the guy vomits again. The leper is still unfazed.

After the leper orders his second beer, the guy pukes again. Finally the leper says to the guy "Fuck it, I'll just leave if you can't look at me without puking."

The guy looks at him, vomits again, and says "It isn't you that's making me sick, it's the guy behind you dipping nachos in your neck!"

 

The pessimist sees the glass as half empty

While the optometrist can help you see the glass is half full, cause he can fit you with a nice pair of glasses.

 

This is why I refuse to Carpool