Your daily joke thread!

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytd

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.

Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.

My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.

 

On average, men have sex 2 - 4 times a week - Except Eskimos.
Eskimo men only have sex twice a year.
This came as a huge shock to me, as I had no idea I was a Eskimo.

 

People complain when I breastfeed in public. But I contend that it is perfectly natural, and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

 

DAD: What do you want for your birthday?

BOY: I wanna watch!

So he let me.

 

Four guys were at hunting camp.
They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

• The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
• The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" - He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
• The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it! - He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his but and kissed him on the cheek good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.

 

Scam on the internet. Someone said, send me your money, and I'll invest it in cryptocurrency. But he took it. He just took it.

It could've been worse though. It could've been real cryptocurrency.

(Just a joke. Or was it ...)

 

A friend of mine was kidnapped by mimes.

And they did unspeakable things to him.

 

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

My wife told me to go to the shops and gave me list of things to get: - Bread. Jam, Cream, Meatloaf, Cranberries, Rasperries, Marmalade and Black eyed peas, - I was happy to do so

But when I got back with my CD's and Albums



- she was so disppointed,

I've no idea why

 

I have great next-door neighbours.
The fun and very adventurous, - espeially in the bedroom
Recently they made a Sex tape.

Obvouisly I'll them about it one day - just waiting for the right moment =

 

I overheard my young next door neighnour talking on the to her friend on the phone.
She said she liked Funny men that had a nice ass.
So I'm off to the shop



- to chance my arm

 

IF THESE DON'T MAKE YOU LAUGH, YOU'RE NOT BREATHING:

REAL CHURCH BULLETINS...

"If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly."

"The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."

"Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson's sermons."

"Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers."

"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."

"Maundy Thursday service: The ladies of the altar guild will be stripping on the altar."

"The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'"

"This evening at 7:00 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin."

"Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get."

"The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning."

"The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community."

"Church office will be closed Monday. Halleluia. Halleluia."

"A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

"A cookbook is being compiled by the ladies of the church. Please submit your favorite recipe, also a short antidote for it."

"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."

"Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding."

"Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why."

"Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time."

"Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion."

"Mr. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man."

"Announcement to the Moms Who Care ladies group: There will be no Moms who care this week."

"Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

"Thank you Steve, who once again has worked hard to clean the pastor off the basement floor."

"After the sermon: A moment of silence for prayer and medication."

"Visitors are asked to sing their names at the church entrance."

"The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances."

"Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."

"The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."

"Illiterate? Write to the church office for help."

"Ushers will swat the latecomers."

"The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience."

"The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict."

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a great chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

"The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her."

"It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do."

"Great news! Doctors have performed a CAT scan on Pastor McLaren's head and report that they have found nothing!"

"Please sigh during offering."

"The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Ralph Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens."

"When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel."

"Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."

"Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted."

"If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket."

"The sermon this morning: 'Contemporary Issues #3 - Euthanasia.' The closing song: 'Take My Life.'"

"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

"Bilingual Chicken Dinner this Sunday at Noon."

"The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains."

"There has never been a better time to invite your fiends to church."

"During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit."

"The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning."

"Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

 

The Knight knew he was trouble when he was pulled over by the Police for suspected drivng whilst under the influence.
*
For he new he'd be asked to walk in a straight line !

 

why do norwegians like the beatles ???? ,because norwegian wood

 

i went to the doctor ,,because i had a gardening tool stuck in my ear ,the doctor said dont worry its just an earrake

 

Why do Cows prefer to work in Pubs and restrurants than live on a farm?

The tipping there is preferable and profitable