You might be an atheist if...

Discussion in 'Christianity' started by Jatom, May 12, 2004.

  1. Jatom

    Jatom Member

    You might an atheist if... (Atheist, don't take this personally. It's more or a joke than anything, and I'll welcome your "You might be a Christian if..." parodies.) [some of these I made up, others, I copied)
    1. You refer to Christians as Xtians, Christmas as "Xmas", and insist on writing God with a lower case "g" while writing "atheists" with an upper case "A"
    2. You write off any intelligible and logical arguments for theism as clearly "coming from the Bible" even though the cosmological, ontological, teleological, and anthropological arguments (among many others) are nowhere found in the Bible.
    3. You think God not answering your prayers by healing your sicken grandmother when you were young, is "proof" enough that God doesn't exist.
    4. When you watch a punt returner run a 93 yard touchdown, you marvel at what evolution has done for the human race. But when someone gets cancer, you blame God for it.
    5. You think you arrived at your position because you are a free-thinker who rationally weighed the evidence, and then freely chose atheism over theism. YET, you also believe that your thinking and actions are nothing more than the FIXED reactions of the atoms in your brain that are governed by the Laws of Chemistry and Physics.
    6. You think the average televangelist is the perfect example of what it means to be Christian.
    7. You think a 'courtesy' reading of the Bible is enough to understand and refute hundreds to thousands of years of doctrinal development.
    8. When the Pope says that God may have used evolution, he is an enlightened religious leader whom Christians should listen to. When the Pope preaches on the sanctity of human life from conception, and thus denounces abortion, he's just a senile religious bigot who should keep his opinions to himself.
    9. When a Christian points out the impossibility of a biological system (or feature) forming by pure chance you accuse them of invoking a "God of the gaps". YET, when you are asked how a particular feature could come about solely by chance you invoke "Evolution of the gaps" (i.e., we don't know HOW but we do know that Evolution MUST have done it!)
    10. You are a person who absolutely believes that life came from nonlife, yet absolutely deny the possibility of anyone rising from the dead.</FONT>
    11. You teach a belief only held by 28% of a nation, as truth beyond any shadow of a doubt because only educated people believe in evolution. Yet of course, you ignore that fully educated scientists in most other nations have proven against Darwinian theory. Like the Chinese paleontologist who reportedly says: "In China we can criticize Darwin but not the government. In America you can criticize the government but not Darwin."
    12. You always refer to C.S. Lewis as "that traitor."
    13. You desperately wish that Stalin and Mao hadn't been atheists.
    14. You think that the Spanish Inquisition killed millions (or at least hundreds of thousands), even though the population of all of Spain at the time of the Inquisition was only about five million, and the actual total killed numbers about 2000. When informed of this, you accuse the informer of belittling or being insensitive to the deaths of 2000 individuals.
    15. You think when the Bible mentions "slavery," it's the exact same slavery practiced by America some 2000+ years later.
    16. You think Christians are narrow-minded for believing in only one religion, but atheists are open-minded for believing in absolutely none.
    17. You think God was cruel for killing all of those innocent babies in the flood, and that Christians are cruel for opposing a woman's right to abort her baby.
    18. You think a Christian takes EVERTHING in the Bible literally. Even after being corrected, you still go around asking "Why do Christians take everything in the Bible literally?!"
    19. Your only knowledge of The Bible comes from searching 'bible contradictions' in Google.
    20. When you arrive at a Bible passage you don't understand, instead of trying to figure it out by applying proper hermeneutics, you use it as proof for God's non-existence...after all, if there were a God, surely He could have made the passage clearer.
    21. Despite the Bible being written by about 40 authors and spanning thousands of years, you insist on reading it as if it were written YESTERDAY, for YOU personally in your exact situation.
    22. Although you are a 'free-thinker' and 'rational' person, you lose all reason when reading The Bible.
    23. You think religious tolerance does not applies to Christians
    24. When refering to Christianity, you prefer to speak in vague 'sound bites' like "Christianity is a religion of lies" and "Christianity is a religion based off desire," rather than actually make any meaningful claims that are up for verification.
     
  2. Juiceman3000

    Juiceman3000 Banned

    Some of those were brilliant!

    24. You pride yourself on questioning anything recorded in the Bible (even the existance of people or places) yet you dont think twice about mass forwarding and or posting a hoax email about alleged similarities between Dionysus and Jesus even though 90% of it is blatant misinformation.

    25. You take thousands of ancient mythologies, containing tens of thousands of subplots, then strain out the tiny handful of similarities to a tiny handful of Biblical accounts - then suggest this is 'proof' the Biblical accounts were 'derived' from Mythology.

    26. You believe that early Christians, [most of whom chose to convert from various pagan religions], choosing to celebrate their new faith in Christ on winter Solstice some kind of evidence the Bible is unreliable. (?!)

    27. You consider yourself more logically adept than 'Xtians' yet when one Gospel writer mentions one event and another Gospel mentions the same event but with added details - you consider that a 'Contradiction'. Regardless of how clearly this is explained to you - you insist its a 'contradiction'.

    28. You insist you are interested in 'real facts' yet constantly insist that our modern Bible came to us from one-to-one translations over 'eons' and somehow each previous copy was destroyed by time. Although this is impossible and no semi-serious researcher ever believed that - you continue to repeat the tale ad nauseum to anyone who doesnt know better.

    ........

    Meh... its late and thats all I could think of for now?

    Jatom.. feel free to be the unofficial compiler of these. Some of them were golden.
    There are probably a few unfair ones too.

    Good stuff!
     
  3. Exactly... Except your definition of atheism is a bit off. '...but atheists are open-minded for not believing in any at all', is what it should read. :)
     
  4. Juiceman3000

    Juiceman3000 Banned

    errr... What a 'dangerous' comeback MNson!

    Ouch!
     
  5. ChiefCowpie

    ChiefCowpie hugs and bugs

    humanity domesticated cats around 8,000 years ago and yet according to the bible, the universe is only 5,000 years old
     
  6. Juiceman3000

    Juiceman3000 Banned

    Cats were created about 6,000 years ago, yet according to you they were already domesticated 3,000 years before they existed.

    Wierd.
     
  7. know1nozme

    know1nozme High Plains Drifter

    Blah, Blah, Blah...

    A person claiming to be a Christian might accuse you of being an Atheist if you don't agree with their ideas about what a Christian should believe, regardless of what religion you actually practice.
     
  8. Lilyrayne

    Lilyrayne Chrisppie

    LOL... Love these... did you come up with them yourself, Jatom?
     
  9. HuckFinn

    HuckFinn Senior Member

  10. Juiceman3000

    Juiceman3000 Banned

    HuckFinn, Dont worry - I dont.

    Although I think its unnecessary to hold to 'Gap theories' or 'Day=Age' theories a Christian certainly 'Can'.

    Disproving or Proving Evolution would not 'in intself' change Biblical truths and teachings (or their reliability) since Adam.

    Many anti-Christians love it when they can make the reliability of the Bible hang on Evolutionism.
    Some actually have falsely convinced themselves that if they can just demonstrate and OLD EARTH they are 'somehow' toppling Christendom LOL!

    In my case, Im just an enthusiastic earth sciences keener and have become convinced the earth is much much younger than once believed.

    Doesnt necessarily have anything to do with my religious faith and certainly not where I want to hang my hat.
     
  11. Jatom

    Jatom Member

    Juiceman and Bree, unfortunately I can't take full credit for my above post. I only made up about half, the rest (including my favorite, number 10) I copied. But my second part below is completely original:

    Logical arguments against the existence of God:

    Argument 1
    1. My nose is itchy
    2. If God were omnipotent, He would have the ability to stop my nose from itching
    3. If God were omniscient He would know how to stop my nose from itching
    4. And Dangit! if God were benevolent, He wouldn't want my nose to itch
    5. My nose is itchy
    6. Therefore God does not exist.
    Argument 2
    1. gawd is a BIG, fat, lying STUPID HEAD!!!!
    2. I HATE hIM!!!!
    3. Therefore gawd does not exist...and I HATE hIM!!!!!!111
    Argument 3
    1. Creationist expect us to belive that there was a "Clauseless first cause" with their cosmology argument. How absurd is it to assume that everything had a cause except one being who, conveniently remains exempt from this notion, and who has, therefore, always existed?
    2. There is no need for this absurd notion of some uncaused thing that has always existed
    3. The universe is uncaused and has always existed
    4. Therefore God does not exist
    Argument 4
    1. There are no logical reasons to believe in the existence of God
    2. For those of you theist who actually believe you have logical reasons, see premise 1
    3. Therefore God does not exist
    Argument 5
    1. The Spanish Inquisition
    2. Therefore God does not exist
    Argument 6
    1. God is a spiritual, non-physical being
    2. I cannot test this spiritual non-physical being via a physical, non-spiritual process
    3. Therefore God does not exist.
    Argument 7
    1. I had a test last week that I didn't study for
    2. I prayed that God allow me to pass
    3. I failed the test
    4. Therefore God does not exist
    Argument 8
    1. I had a second test last week that I didn't study for
    2. I prayed that God allow me to pass
    3. I passed the test
    4. Me passing the test was purely a coincidence and had NOTHING to do with a "god." Besides, argument 7 has already proofed that God doesn't exist; moreover believing in God would make me feel too uncomfortable
    5. Therefore God does not exist.
    Argument 9
    1. Nothing can be known for sure, because all truth is subjective
    2. You theist claim to "know" there is a God
    3. I know for sure that premise 1 is true, therefore you cannot "know" that God exist
    4. It would than be false to say you "know" there is a God
    5. If what you say is false, it must then be truth that there is no God.
    6. Therefore I know for sure that God does not exist
     
  12. Juiceman3000

    Juiceman3000 Banned

    "Argument 5

    1. The Spanish Inquisition
    2. Therefore God does not exist"
    ----------------------

    Classic!

    Argument 5.1

    1. The Crusades
    2. Therefore God does not exist


     
  13. cerridwen

    cerridwen in stitches

    pretty trippy, huh?
     
  14. ginad1026

    ginad1026 Member

    A question for atheists ---


    Isn't belief in nothing a belief in something?
     
  15. SharyBobbins

    SharyBobbins QPR Football Fan

    If the bible says 5,000 years i'd have to say that is wrong. the earth is like 4 billion years old. it is part of the universe or did it exist alone by itself until the rest of the universe filled itself in. that statement makes no sense.

    ((I am not an atheist or christian. I am a Buddhist.))
     
  16. ericf

    ericf Member

    Quite the paradox you have there... good thing atheism isn't about believing nothing. An atheist doesn't believe in God. Any god... my favorite quote on that is
    Atheists believe in many many things... they just don't believe in God. See, isn't that simple?
     
  17. FreakyJoeMan

    FreakyJoeMan 100% Batshit Insane

    I really hope this doesn't turn into a stupid fight, like most of the Phil/Reli. threads.
     
  18. ericf

    ericf Member

    lol, I am not looking for a fight. I actually found the list very amusing.

    I just think the biggest misconception Christians have is that atheism is a belief in nothing... :D
     
  19. EllisDTripp

    EllisDTripp Green Secessionist

    Atheism is NOT a belief in "nothing". It is simply the lack of belief in a deity.

    "Belief in Nothing" would probably be best classified as NIHILISM.
     
  20. Alsharad

    Alsharad Member

    Ellis, head over to the God is Dead thread on the Atheism forum for a discussion on atheism and "lack of belief." I'd like to hear your thoughts on the matter, but this forum and thread are not the place for the discussion.

    Needless to say, I disagree with your definition of atheism and find that it is insufficient to cover the wide range of atheists. "Lacking belief" is also a logically inconsistent position to hold. Again, for more details and an explanation, go to the aforementioned thread.

    :)
     

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