I've come to some scary conclusions. I've been a hermit for about a year and a half now, living almost entirely in isolation. No friends, no close ties to family, nothing social. They say one's self-esteem and happiness is not supposed to be dependent upon other people. But I have finally realized that this simply isn't true. I don't think it's possible to feel good about myself without some degree of love, nuturance, and approval by other people. At least, having spent YEARS trying to do it, reading all these self-help bullshit about how you can pull yourself by the bootstraps and what-not, about how you must "love yourself" BEFORE loving anyone else, etc, all with the emphasis on an individualistic approach. And I have NEVER gotten anywhere with it. I'm STILL emotionally needy and desperate for company, no matter what... This is a huge problem for me because the very fact that I cannot be mentally self-sufficient presents ugliness of social interaction - namely, obligations, work, expectations of other people, etc. One of the reasons why I have isolated myself is because I wanted to get away from having to do anything for people. I figured that if I could be self-sufficient, then I wouldn't have to be constantly wary of people's expectations, and that I wouldn't be controlled via guilt if I didn't do exactly what was demanded from me in my relationships with other people (which have been sparse all my life, to begin with). And since it is not possible for me to be mentally & emotionally self-reliant, that means I cannot have this view of reality that eschews responsibilities and obligations to other people, since those are a natural part of social interaction. It bothers me so much, because much of my worldview is rooted in this, which means that I think I am in for a complete restructuring of my worldview and how I go about life. This sucks. Social interaction makes me miserable because there's so much work and drudgery involved- it makes feel oppressed and tyrannized, and lack of social interaction makes me miserable because I get lonely to the point of an inability to function. makes me wonder if there's ever a way to be happy...
i hear ya man... eventually there's gotta be a happy medium. seems like having a few close friends would be sufficient... or having no close friends and only talking to random ppl when you go out... just to get your communication flowing. stretching your abilities so you can interact with ppl more easily, at least at first.
Perhaps you are just interacting with the wrong types of people. I mean, maybe you can explain better, but I don't see it as work myself. I lived for a while (about 6 months) without leaving my apartment. I didn't have a job, and I was severely depressed and I gained a lot of weight and I developed a dependace to of all stupid things, Nyquill. Anyway, as soon as I got a call for a job, and got back out into the world, I was a lot better. I can't say that things improved immediately, but really getting out of the house and interacting is what helped me get better. Maybe I'm completely misunderstanding what you are saying. I mean I get that you want to "drop out of society" and all of that happy horseshit, and now you are realizing that you can't function that way. I understand all of that part, but what I don't get is what your huge beef with society was to begin with. I mean if you go to the right places I imagine you will find the "right" people to interact with that won't make you feel as if it were such hard work. Someone told me a long time ago to try to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and you'll do nothing but break the straps.
