A spontaneously flirtatious interaction this past Saturday with someone I've been friends with for half my life, we'll call them K, has revealed the fact that we are mutually into each other both romantically and sexually. That part is good and uncomplicated. Where it gets complicated is the existing relationship with J; been with J for a decade, and polyamory has been the de jure policy, although within the past 3 years it has been de facto monogamous due to health concerns associated with the 'rona. Nothing physical has happened, though it's shocking how quickly the conversation with K has become a mix of deeply vulnerable emotional stuff and deeply arousing kink stuff. Furthermore, the relationship with J has been pretty much sexless for the past couple of months under doctor's orders due to a pelvic floor dysfunction. J and myself are meant to be moving once more into what would become our starter home, but also we've been having some problems recently, and I don't know how she'll take it when she finds out that I have feelings for someone else as well. I don't want to endanger what I have with J, but also can't deny my feelings for K; I know I have to tell J soon, but it's scary. Please help me build confidence
What do you really want? Are you settling and compromising? What is your long term desire? Are you choosing a partner because you feel like you can’t be alone??????????? Be VERY HONEST with yourself my man! And as well, be just as honest with the women. Know one thing: do NOT say what will get you laid but tell what needs to be said. And do what needs to be done. Look at the long term in an unselfish and honest way. That’s what I derive from your post
You are walking on thin ice. Too many feelings and emotions involved. Communicate, Communicate. Sounds like this poly life has run its course.
Update: open honest discussion has been had, and to my elation the same parameters apply that always have, with the exception of an elevated emphasis on "don't get sick". J gently ribbed me for my anxiety and called it cute, and also apparently already thinks K is cool, so I guess I'm just neurotic lol
It's always been amazing to me how the mind evokes needless negative thoughts and perceptions when an issue isn't discussed. In this case there is a positive ENM and poly relationship that was established but when a romance began outside the basic unit the OP's mind went south. He finds out that if he had discussed his new love he wouldn't have anguished over it. Glad to see he trusted his primary partner would accept him having romantic interludes outside the nest. I hope for him and all involved the best.
