Wives who conceal their sexual past from husbands

I get it.

 

Nah, the double standard still exists. If a woman has a lot of past lovers, she’s slut shamed. If a guy has a lot of past lovers, he’s applauded.

I understand your feelings. Has she lied during your marriage? If not, and she’s been an overall good wife to you, I would just let it go.

 

It's gone but yes she has been deceptive about things but I'm pretty sure she's been faithful to me, a great wife and mother. By deceptive I mean if I call her out on something she will confess but as they say it's easier to beg forgiveness than get permission. I don't mean to sound like a dominating husband but she tends to make decisions that sometimes should be discussed.
It really isn't an issue and hasn't been since she returned after leaving. I grew up poor and she grew up with everything she wanted so I've had to come to understand how to deal with our class gap if you would. I understand it much more now after raising kids in an upper middle class home and how differently they view things than I do and did at their age.. Not really big things, it's more the little stuff like they take for granted. You really can't blame someone since they had such a different childhood.. Nice talking to you.

 

I think you have to focus on your relationship now. Everyone has a past and as long as she’s faithful to ya, who cares what happened before you were together... is the stress/anger/anxiety over it really worth it? As long as things are good between you two then let the past be the past and focus on now... don’t sabotage a good thing because of misplaced jealousy

 

I think thats just in your head.

Give me an example of one guy thats had lots of past lovers and is actually applauded for it

Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Bill Cosby?

And even if applauded, applauded by who, everyone else equally

Seems to me women are just as likely to get away with it as men are. Men you just have to be super hot, women have to be super classy

Elizabeth Taylor, Helen Mirren just as likely to get away with it as a tiny percentage of men are

 

Men aren't "slut shamed" the way women are. It's just well known. The examples you give aren't the best, because all those men were powerful, had/have money, etc. And most of those men behaved inappropriately towards women, and/or sexually assaulted them. So, if they're getting any shame from it, it's because of that.

I'm talking just in everyday life, men who bang a lot of women (consensual sex) are not ''slut shamed,'' like women are. I didn't make up the phrase ''slut shamed'' so that should tell us that it's a more prevalent thing that we realize.

 

LOL. ok, well then, give me an example in everyday life, a guy that bangs a lot of women and your female friends are all like high fiving him and shit

 

haha Oh, no...not my friends...HIS friends, though. That's what I meant.

It's funny you say this though, I think that women in general don't get all that bothered by a guy's past, as much as men get a little up tight about a woman's past. (that they're dating/thinking of marrying)

 

I completely understand where you are coming from. It's not that she did what she did it's that you asked a question and expected a truthful answer. You were going to be spending the rest of your life together and you wanted to make sure this was the one for you. Now I'm sure you wonder about what other things she has lied to you about. Once a liar always a liar.

With me it was even worse. Before we got married we had a huge discussion about our pasts. It was very important to me because I was in long term relationships and did not want someone who slept around. She assured me she had only been with 5 guys. We broke up during our dating for a couple weeks and she assured me she had not been with anyone during that breakup. Turns out she had slept with over 15 guys including multiple ONS's including one during our breakup. I find this out AFTER we are married and it has haunted me ever since. To this DAY I find it hard to cope with it as she has ALSO lied about a Facebook romance she had and another incident regarding a male friend - both when we were married. Trust is key to any relationship and she has proven over and over that I cannot trust her.

So I guess my point is it can always be worse lol.

 

Why didn't you break things off when you learned of all this lying?

 

Jane and I have never discussed passed relationships.
While neither of us would be dishonest, it seems a bit pointless when obviously the relationships had ended for a reason.

As long as your wife's relationship with the guy that you know was really over and a while into the past, it would have been stupid for either of you to have let it destroy your happiness. After all, it was you who she chose to marry.

 

She somehow convinced me that she never wanted any of it, that she only enjoyed sex with me, that she had low self-esteem, weak boundaries and even people pleasing issue's. She assured me that she didn't have any of these issues anymore but I am constantly reminded that she does. A couple of years ago she was driven home by the husband of a friend. He stopped on the side of the road late at night and asked if she wanted to have an affair. The first words out of her mouth was "what about your wife, what about my husband"? Instead of a firm NO she put him in control as if she had no power, as if she needed to change his mind or the affair would start. She told me a month later.

It's often difficult to end a marriage knowing that you weren't the one to destroy it. Leaving is not easy especially when you have kids.

 

I got married last year and I know a lot of people say what you’re saying. But to me, divorce would be better than living a lie with someone who doesn’t love me. I’m sorry you find yourself here.

 

"After all it was you who she chose to marry". Let's put it this way. If he found out after the fact that his wife was an escort and slept with 5000 men do you think "after all it was you who she chose to marry" is going to make him feel any better? LOL. To many guys it's important to know who they are marrying - especially those who haven't been around the block much. Unfortunately it DOES destroy happiness in the end and that's the price you pay for your loved one lying to you.

 

I do know for a fact that she loves me - no doubt about that. But at the same time I think she still has severe issue's with what I mentioned - low self-esteem, weak boundaries, people pleasing and the whole nine yards. I think the only reason why she hasn't found herself in bed (that I know of lol) with another guy is that being married, having kids and going out the little that she does with married friends doesn't put her in many situations that could get her in trouble with her condition. She definitely has been targeted much of her life by predators. Just because an alcoholic hasn't had a drink in 10 years doesn't mean that if you put that person in a bar they won't jump off the wagon. I feel the same with her so after years of counseling and constantly reminding her of what she needs to do to avoid being alone with another man it's still an on-going struggle with her "thinking" she is fine.

 

this is probably true, although they are shamed a bit. but i keep seeing people on here make the applauded claim and i really have yet to see that at all in real life. mumbling that a guy is a douche rather than shouting that a girl is a slut is a little different from applauding the guy.

 

What you say is true, but clearly she had not been working as an escort. It seems as if she is a person who considers other peoples feeling and beats around the bush rather than risk upsetting them. She did not say no to the guy who you mentioned in the car, but neither did she say yes or sneak into bed with him.
I think that unless their are any reasons to believe that she has cheated on you, it is better to forget the past and look at the present and to the future. To be fair, did you ever ask her for a detailed list of people who she had dated before your relationship began.
It would be a great pity if you let this issue blow out of proportion and destroy your relationship.

 

Think what you like. The phrase ''slut shaming'' is pretty common, and mainly it's women who are the receiving end of it.

 

i never said that sluts don't get shamed, i just said that men aren't congratulated for sluttiness the way hipforumers say they are.

 

I think if the guy in the car, who was also my friend, was persistent she would have thought she had to have sex with him. She is an extreme people pleaser and has a hard time putting her feelings first. The reason why it took her a month to tell me is because she had to make sure she wouldn't lose her friends - that everyone was happy...but me. Research shows People Pleasers are habitual liars.

When we first met we had a long and detailed discussion about our pasts. I remembered exactly what her answers were and that's why she was caught in a lie later. She claimed she dated this one guy for a couple of months and never had sex with him yet one night, years later after we were married, we were in bed talking about our pasts and that's when she slipped and talked about their sex life that "never existed". So yes that's the key - I asked not once but also when we broke up if she had slept with anyone during that breakup and she lied then too.

Unfortunately you have two choices - don't ask and be happy (or constantly wonder) or ask and be miserable. I think if she would have been up front and honest in the beginning it would have been so much easier to get over. But because of whatever reason it's been the trickle truth for years - lie after lie after lie with the only excuse being "I was embarrassed" or "I didn't want to hurt you". So yes the damage has been done.