Wife with poor self image?

Discussion in 'Sexual Health' started by Julyguy76, Jun 22, 2020.

  1. Julyguy76

    Julyguy76 Members

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    My wife and I have been married for a very, very long time. She is a naturally beautiful woman but has had a horrible self image all of our marriage. It has literally caused fights. I am overly supportive, flirty, etc. but she washed it off that I feel that way because we are married. The only time she takes a complement is when it comes from other men. She had a problem with flirting with guys that showed her attention. There was obvious danger so I shut it down.

    Still, as of today, her body image is so horrible I just can take much more of this. It has robbed me of a lot over the years. She is mostly non-sexual, not flirty with me and only deflects the issue with keeping herself busy. She refuses to ask for help and at one point I insisted on a marriage counselor. She said no and said she never would. Simply put, she would have to admit to too much.

    I am still young enough that I dont want to think about the next 25 years at this continued pace. It is getting old and is always a problem. Couple of points to keep in mind. I am always super supportive, always around, pick out her clothes to make her feel sexy, I'm flirty, compementive and more. I am quite literally the guy that every middle age woman wants to marry. However, I'm to the point I'm being short with her and half the time do not care if we even have sex anymore even though I am still very interested.

    Just ready to thow up my hands so this may be more of a rant post than anything..
     
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  2. TrudginAcrossTheTundra

    TrudginAcrossTheTundra Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    That's a tough one. Perhaps things would be better if she were to get more attention from other men. I'm sure she'd feel more confident and sexy after flirting with other men. It doesn't seem any more 'dangerous' than the way you're going now.
     
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  3. Pete's Draggin'

    Pete's Draggin' Visitor

    She definitely wants out of the marriage, but also wants it to be your decision to say the magic words.

    There's still time for you to meet that special someone new. Get the divorce for her and then get a life coach for yourself. In a few years you'll be better than ever and most importantly....>....happy.
     
  4. Panama Jack

    Panama Jack Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    This is really a tough one to answer without actually hearing the wife side. Obviously there is love there, a bit one sided. Low self esteem or depression is my guess.
    However and respectfully, it’s time for the two of you to sit down and get knee to knee and discuss your relationship. No more tip toeing around it. Find out what is the glue that is holding you together. Common ground in which to work from. Divorce is brutal.
     
  5. TrudginAcrossTheTundra

    TrudginAcrossTheTundra Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    Really. After that long of being married... Dig into it and find her gripes. Keep in mind that most of it, especially at first, is really ancillary stuff to the real issue. Anything can seem to be the source of irritation when one is not feeling at peace with oneself. So it's really about trying to maintain that inner peace, not necessarily that cluttered garage or whatever the complaint dujour. Falling for the cluttered garage doesn't fix the underlying issue. Everyone's gotta feel loved and appreciated and cared for and secure. Why that's not happening is the mystery to solve. She needs reassurance, more talking, and doing things together. Accolades in front of other people, perhaps. A bit of autonomy to flirt with other men to boost her feeling of value, followed by your reassurance that you're so happy she's yours. Add a little CBD or weed to cheer up the mood. Hold her as much as you can. Massage her. Try to build sexual tension and provide relief often. Always try to anticipate her wants and needs.

    You still around, @Julyguy76 ?
     
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  6. Julyguy76

    Julyguy76 Members

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    Yes, I'm still around. Solid advice considering I couldnt give you 20+ years of history.

    Few things to consider. She gets tons of attention from me. I used to give her full body massages on a regular basis and did so for over 15 years. She is told daily how beautiful she is. I am ever present and available to listen to her concerns, etc. Honestly, I believe that may be my biggest mistake, I have been too giving and she is conditioned to ignore it. When I say I have been thr model husband, I mean it down to the large house, freedom to do as she wishes pretty much any time, etc. All of her friends tell her she is lucky. She plays the part and then changes when we walk through our door.

    Where the flirting became dangerous is she was locking on to certain men and would not flirt with me at all. She was even in the habit of texting these men. However, I could walk through the house naked and she would not even glance. I'm not fat and take care of myself so that combined with the effort I was putting in was insulting. She never acknowledged her flirting and acts like I am crazy even though it was incredibly obvious. We have had dozens of "talks" over the years with her crying and saying she doesnt know why she is this way.... bla, bla, bla. Doesnt change for long and back to the same old.

    Again, it's hard to spell out over 20 years of history here in short post. I also do not want this to be a small novel!
     
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  7. soulcompromise

    soulcompromise Member HipForums Supporter

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    I see why you're upset. I'm in a new relationship, but I understand how strong feelings can be obstructive. I would warn her that if it doesn't change, you don't know what to do. :flushed:
     
  8. TrudginAcrossTheTundra

    TrudginAcrossTheTundra Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    New info!
    The flip side is that she needs to recognize, at some level, that she could lose you. It could be from any number of causes but the bottom line is she could find herself having to fend for herself. Yes that's true in any relationship but it sounds like she's taking you for granted because of your dedication and steadfastness. That could change if she noticed you flirting with another woman. She might get possessive leading to appreciative mighty quick. It's a gamble but then so is all in life. She apparently doesn't feel obligated to maintain, build, and continuously improve the relationship - and if so, then why? She either feels like you're a fixture, safely locked in, or she feels bored maybe looking for some excitement. Hopefully you can craftily figure out which and think of ways to cause her to want to boost her appreciation and attentiveness. Sometimes a little unpredictability and fear of the unknown can go a long way.
     
  9. newbie-one

    newbie-one one with the newbiverse

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    Would she be willing to go to individual therapy?
     
  10. newbie-one

    newbie-one one with the newbiverse

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    You might want to try seeing an counselor individually who also does marriage counseling. A counselor might be able to guess what's going on with her, and that might allow you to develop the best strategy for dealing with this.

    In principle, she might genuinely have a condition like BDD
    Body dysmorphic disorder - Wikipedia

    ...but she could also be straight-up bullshitting you.

    @TrudginAcrossTheTundra makes a good point. If you have a good understanding for how she, and you, would respond to allowing her to flirt with other men, it's an approach worth considering, but it's not without danger
     
  11. Julyguy76

    Julyguy76 Members

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    Unfortunately no. She honestly doesnt want anyone to l ow how she is, part of her need to please everyone. She would give people pur last dollar of asked because she cant let people down. I have considered counseling for myself because this is all still hard to grasp, even after all of these years.

    The flirting thing is dangerous, in my opinion, because her personal view of herself lends to the type that would cheat because someone made her feel attractive. Her connection with flirting isnt shallow and on the surface. It carrys to acceptance and she pushes it too far and often over several weeks that increases in nature. The occasional guy in public isnt a big deal. I'm ok with that. It's the relationship building where she is deleting text messages, all or in part, and aggressively looking for that person's approval. Early on I question whether she has had an affair but she shifts things in her mind to justify it as "not lieing". Ergo, she could say to herself it meant nothing or we were fighting, etc. so it's not considered cheating.

    Honestly, she needs therapy. She is crazy intelligent and a true people person but has her own demons behind the scenes. Everyone's approval is more important than her sanity and personal relationships. Her negative view of self could put her in a bad situation with another man if that man just plays the right card.. I have tried to expand things, even telling her we could go way outside normal bounds if we did it as a couple. She tells me she doesnt want to jeopardize our relationship but turns around and locks on to a guy that gives her attention. It is bad enough that she has made semi-inappropriate comments in front of these other guys, comments I later had to get in front of because the guys continued to move in. I honestly dont think most would have ended in full blown affairs but when your spouse openly sides with them, while you're in the room, it creates intense situations.

    Honestly, she does it without thinking. She just draws to the positive attention and gets caught up. The guys do it for one reason and one reason only. We always talk about it later and she backs off. I truly wish she wasnt so impressionable. It has been an issue through different parts of our relationship.
     
  12. TrudginAcrossTheTundra

    TrudginAcrossTheTundra Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    I agree, that's a real problem when anybody in a family unit sides with an outsider over family. It just isn't allowed in Hispanic culture and carries a heavy shame penalty. But Euro-American culture is not so guarded against it. Not sure what's behind that, but anyway, here's a thought. Maybe pick a guy she's flirting with and get him aside somehow, ask if he's interested in sex with her, and tell him it's okay you've been looking for somebody for that to spice up your sex lives. See if he's game. Set your ground rules. Maybe don't say anything to your wife and see where it leads. It may well lead to an improvement. It's certainly not without precedent. I've seen many tales where it's led to a whole new level of passion for some couples. And from where it sounds like you are, what have you got to lose?

    Everyone's got their demons behind the scenes. She could be secretly fantasizing about sex with somebody new, yet never disclose that to you for fear of judgement and reprisal. Once it's happened, and you know, and approve, it can no longer be s point of contention. Of course, if she were to leave you for the other guy, then you've simply moved up the inevitable while freeing yourself for a partner more accommodating. Probably little chance of that, though, if you lead well.
     
  13. newbie-one

    newbie-one one with the newbiverse

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    You've asked her specifically about individual therapy?
    It really seems to me like you need someone to help unravel this. An individual counselor who has a background in couples counseling sounds ideal.

    If she won't change, do you still want to stay in the marriage? What if you found out that she's actually cheated already?

    Giving ultimatums is generally a bad idea, but if she just digs in her heels, I'm not sure what the alternative is. I hope you can save your marriage.
     
  14. Barry Mandelay

    Barry Mandelay Banned

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    By what I have read there is a possibility the wife had been sexually molested at some point in her very young life. She has no self esteem or approval. She texts with, as the OP put it, "certain men". What do these certain men have in common that draws her to them? It is stated she wishes to please everyone and can't let people down. This attitude may come from being blamed for the indiscretion she experienced instead of being treated as a victim. Now, she may be convinced she was wrong in letting it happen and is trying to make amends with everyone thus she is out to make everyone happy. The refusal to obtain counseling is a possible act of mental suppression to protect herself from facing the truth of what may have happened. What I deeply, DEEPLY, hope is that I am way out in left field with this observation but there are indications of abuse from the comments the OP has made. Only the wife knows for sure and hopefully what I have suggested isn't true.
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2020
    Drager1 likes this.
  15. This is scarily like the situation I am in right now , apart from the other guy part . It’s horrible.
    Ive tried everything I’ve been so supportive , I’ve came at it from every angle possible .
    No matter what I do , nothing changes .
    Any time we try talking it just ends up a shouting match. She also won’t try talking to a marriage councillor.
    It’s horrible and it feels like it will never end .
    I’m happy to chat if you want to PM
     

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