Wife has sexually shut down.

Hi guys, firstly, thanks for clicking on this post!
My problem is within the last two months my wife has completely lost interest in any kind of sexual activity with me and insists she doesn't know why. We have always had a good sex life, but has told me that she is unable to orgasm with a partner but does enjoy sex, this she told me some years ago. She uses a vibrator on herself regularly, this she has told me. I said maybe she would like to bring the vibrator into our love making but she does not want to. Why would she not want to? At the moment we are having no affection at all other than a quick kiss on our way to work . She insists she loves me, also still finds me sexually attractive, and insists there is nobody else, which i believe because she is the most trustworthy person you could ever meet! My life is hell at the moment, no sex for months. I've just about got used to it all though the desperation i feel is devastating. I have never cheated or would never cheat as we have two children together. The part that hurts the most is the rejection i feel. It makes me feel worthless. My question to you guys is, am i missing something hear? I don't know what to do for the best. What would you advise me to do? We have spent loads of time talking about this, but she just isn't a talker. I never get any answers off her, just "i don't know why i feel this way!" And the cycle continues. She is fully aware of how this affects me and just apologises and says she does not mean to hurt me. She insists she does not want to spilt up also. We are both early 30's.
Thanks again guys. Please help me.

 

How is your actual relationship? Women tend to need to feel an emotional connection to want the physical connection. Do you think she is feeling over stressed with the kids, work or anything else? Those kinds of things can affect how a woman feels. Without knowing your situation fully I would just say pay more attention to her. Make sure she knows you love her and help her out around the house. I think it can be a vicious cycle sometimes. Men tend to need the physical attention to feel emotionally connected. Women need the emotional attention for the physical connection. If you both work at meeting the other ones needs and worry less about your own needs everything will come naturally.

 

If she doesn't know why she has lost her sex drive, and is telling you she is otherwise happy, perhaps a she should see her doctor. Hormone imbalance could explain a sudden loss of sex drive. It is a simple test, and may help sort things out.

 

Do I understand correctly that she masturbates, while at the same time does not want to have sex with you?

Sorry if the question seems stupid, just seems like an important clarification for the situation.

 

@RubySoho6 Thanks for the comment. Overall our relationship is good, she insists she is happy. I help plenty with the kids and around the house, that side of things are good! She knows how much i love her and appreciate her. My needs are, for me, never my priority. Pleasing my wife and to make her happy and feel satisfied are my priority. Just don't know what would be best way going forward. It's always on my mind, sleeping at night is becoming increasingly difficult. As we are both naked in bed and i am desperate for her touch, not just in a sexual way, just maybe a cuddle before we sleep. Do i sound unreasonable?

 

@His Eden Thanks for the comment. I have mentioned maybe going to the doctors for a chat. She was not happy. Took it almost as an insult. Don't think that is the issue because, as she told me she uses her vibrator on herself when i am out of the house. I wish she did not tell me that. So on her own, obviously her sex drive is fine, just not with me.

 

@pawn Thanks for the comment. Yes that is correct. She has no interest in sex with me, but has told me she uses her vibrator often, only when i am out of the house though. I found that a little harsh to be honest. So her sex drive is still there. How can any women tell a man that, whilst she knows i am hurting and wanting her so much?

 

Maybe start with cuddling and see where it goes from there. Ask her if there is anything different she would want to try. Speaking as a woman in her 30s, sex drive is high for most women at this age. Maybe she wants to try and different things but is to afraid to say so. Sex with the same person can get boring if you don't do different things to spice it up.

 

Wow - I've been mulling this one in my head for the past few days. I have to admit, I'm a little lost for words, but here it goes:

1. She's having an affair. I see this variant as unlikely based on what you've posted, and from my own experience, but the fact that her sexual drive hasn't necessarily decreased, while at the same time doesn't include you at all, raises red flags. I've tried to put myself in your situation based on rather scant information, and going on that - this would be something I would consider. Like I said - unlikely, but should be included in the mix nevertheless.

2. She has some fantasies that she isn't sure she wants to share yet. It's a well known fact that women's sexual preferences and sexual drive may fluctuate with age. I'm not trying to apply this to all or any individual woman, just a general population. (It is a fact for men as well). Perhaps she recently discovered a new fantasy that she is ashamed of or feels some need to explore on her own? Bi-sexual or kinky or just outside of her norm or preconceptions about what she has considered as normal sex or something that she feels you may not understand or be ok with.

3. She wants you to be dominant or take the initiative with regards to sex. Going off of my own experience - I am more dominant when it comes to our relationship (I tend to set more boundaries than she does - it's not a power thing, just the fact that I have more responsibilities and have to take a longer view), but when it comes to sex, I enjoy being submissive. She doesn't want to dominate all the time, but is more than happy to do so from time to time as an extra element of our sex life. Maybe your wife wants you to take some control in the bedroom? I would NOT recommend you just try this without communicating with her first (seems oxymoronic), but if it isn't the case, it could backfire spectacularly. IMHO (and many others) power exchange needs to be discussed in detail before actually practiced.

In any healthy relationship, communication is key. From what you've written it seems like it has broken down on her side. Of course, it may be mutual - again -I have little information so I can't make any real judgement either way. Getting someone who doesn't want to open up to talk is worse than pulling teeth, so the best that I (or anyone else) can do in that situation is wish you patience and the best of luck. She needs to let you know what's going on, because it's obvious that this situation cannot continue indefinitely. On the flip-side, you need to make sure that she understands that she can share anything with you free of judgement - if you haven't already made that clear with both actions and words.

Finally - my wife has been on an extended business trip for four months - no nookie for me for quite a bit longer than you! 2 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, but that doesn't mean that the situation should fester for much longer. Do what you need to get her to open up and at the very least seek a compromise (on her part too!) that you both ca live with.

Sorry for the length - like I said - I've been thinking about it the past few days, but I wish you and yours the best of luck and many happy years together.

 

you really dont see it do you

 

Ur probably doing something wrong or I've become unattractive to her for so e reason not all women are visually stimulated some need you to be the fantasy so maybe do more around the house do a chore she hates doing or rub her feet or do something for her u don't normally do and see if that gets her juices flowing again.

Always remember unless she's hormonally unbalanced her lack of sex drive is probably ur fault

 

Vanilla - honestly I don't - It's outside of my own experience. I've had one horrible marriage and one (current) absolutely incredible one. This one seems to be in between (what I guess most marriages are). From the info posted, I wouldn't know what to do - I gave it my best shot though - if you care to elaborate, I'd be more than happy to hear your insight.

 

@pawn Thanks for the comment. Yes i have thought about the affair option, but i really dont think this is the case. I trust her completely 100%. The chance of her possibly being bi-sexual is a possibility and have mentioned this thinking she may not be brave enough to bring the subject up, but she strongly denies this. I have always been the dominant one in our relationship, always taking the lead, initiating, suggesting positions. She just agrees and goes with it, never once suggesting any idea herself. I know communication is key, i have mentioned this to her and always says "you know i'm not a talker!" But she is always giving her friends advice in there friends sexual relationships. I say to her "how do you find it so easy to give them advice, when in your own relationship you don't communicate on any level?" To which she says "thats just how i am!" I do realise that 2 months is not all that long without sex, that's not so much the problem now, kind of getting used to it. The main heartbreak is the rejection i feel. I lay awake for hours laying in bed next to her both naked, just wanting to feel her touch, but always nothing, she lays so far on the edge of the bed she could fall off any second. Her foot brushed my leg lastnight as she turned in her sleep, and it was as if she had brushed against a boiling hot radiator, could not pull her foot away quick enough. Without wanting to sound needy or desperate, it really is heartbreaking. How would you advise me to get her to open up? I've tried everything, but its as if she is totally oblivious to the situation.

 

@dark sugar
Thanks for the comment.
I always do chores around the house, i do most of the work with our children, bathtime, bedtime, its only me that takes them out. There really isn't anything more i can do. I always offer to do more, but she insists on doing certain chores herself. I'm forever offering, foot rubs, massages, run her a hot bath in a candle lit bathroom to relax whilst i take care of the kids, but always get turned down, "no thankyou, im fine!" Is all i ever get. I realise her lack of sex drive is most likely my doing, but i am trying everything known to man to resolve this issue, but without any input from her, no matter how small, how am i to know what is best to do. She says she is still sexually attracted to me. Im in good shape, athletic gym user. Keep myself in good shape. What would you advise me to do? Do i just back off completely, act like it's not effecting me, and just hope in the near future things improve? I just don't want her thinking im ok with the current situation.

 

No, you are right, i do not see it. Please advise me on what i am missing?

 

No need, listen to pawns story, his first wife was a nightmare, he's happy with the second one.

Time you traded yours in, its never going to get better

 

Or,,,

Maybe it could but you might have to open the right door. Sometimes it takes a wake up call. Let her know you are hungry for sex and might go out looking for it, sounds bad but she Thinks you are happy too obviously as it is. You are not and it's destroying your relationship. I don't suggest going out for it but maybe if she thought doing herself and not being intimate with you is destroying you then she might want to change it up and open up to you.
I could see if she didn't want sex at all but it's kind of weird that she is ok playing with herself, I can't see why, I would much rather let my man do the work for me and burn my energy on him, while we let our minds do it's thing and bring us to where we want to be, it's a great stress reliever for one thing.
I have to think she might be messing around also or has an interest in someone else at the least if she says she likes sex still but won't get all over you, at least now and then. It's very odd.
Someone else mentioned "The same old, same old" above and that might be even if you don't think so. Maybe she has worked harder to orgasm then it is doing herself and you didn't realize it. If she thought "Here we go again" a few times and you didn't know it maybe that has set her to believe she can do better on her own. I am not trying to knock you but it happens and if she didn't speak up thinking it's just easier to do herself then you do have a problem. It can be fixed if you were to try to find out why she prefers her own time with sex. Or surprise her with a totally new approach as suggested above, "Something way off the wall and look for a good response".
Some women don't like the dirtiness of the thought of sex but they still like the rush an orgasm brings. Is she a bit funny about the messy bits? If so she just needs to be brought past that and made to feel horny. So my thinking is a cuddle in bed that feels right and touching to bring her there rather then saying "Let's go have nookie" the mind can be funny, like eating something that smells bad but tastes good or is healthy for you kinda thing so you do it,,, as the only example I can think of right now.
Try setting it up simple, no preparations like talking her to it. Just happens and see what she does.

 

Well, because your wife has lost interest in having sex with you, NOT unusual once married either divorce her or have a mistress. I would go with divorce unless you can work out a POST-NUPTIAL agreement that clearly states : She has lost interest in having sex with you and on paper agrees to an open Marriage that allows you to have extra-marital relashionships that will NOT be considered grounds for divorce by HER. You need to see a lawyer who knows how to compose such an agreement if you choose to continue this SEXLESS marriage. Otherwise sue for divorce. Don`t fuck around. Life is short. ...Oscar

POST SCRIPT: Should I open up a : DEAR OSCAR section for confused young adults ?

 

Being able to masturbate does not necessarily mean that her sex drive is fine, just not with you. Masturbation has no pressure. If she does it, and it is only mediocre, it's not a big deal. She feels no pressure to perform, please, or excite anyone else. Now, if she has told you that she masturbates on a regular basis, and it is always great...then maybe it is about her relationship with you. LOTS of things can affect a persons sex drive, stress, depression, anxiety, hormones, losing interest in partner, insecurity issues, etc.

I do think you need to tell her that you are not happy with the state of the sex component of your marriage. Make sure to be clear about how it is negatively affecting you, and your marriage.

 

Why are you telling what she said? You should never listen to what women say to you about sex....There are lots of signs that man can read and measure his parner without asking....Does her eyes change during foreplay?
Does she get wet? What kind of breathing she has during sex? There are tons of signs you can read.
And im pretty sure you made mistakes as well,you are either cant satisfy her(women need oral) or she was frigid from the start.
Its over.
Be a man and end it.