Wife has lied so many times, my trust is ruined.

I married my high school sweetheart in 1986, just after turning 18. We started dating just before I turned 16.

Just prior to marrying, we were having a discussion about past relationships (we both started dating others while Freshmen). I was 100% truthful about the number of times I had had sex and with whom. She told me about her experience. It was a normal and seemingly healthy conversation born from curiosity.

A curse and a blessing, an unusual intuitiveness in me sensed she was not being truthful. I began asking more questions, eventually letting her know I felt she was being dishonest. She maintained her story, promising me she was telling the truth. My intuition said otherwise. Within days, after asking, she told me the truth. She told me she had lied to protect my feelings. I explained that it wasn't the truth that would hurt my feelings but her lying about it that hurt. I told her I didn't care whom she had sex with or how many times, but, since we had already entered the conversation, I wished her to be honest about it, so trust issues would not develop and we could move forward. She swore she had told me everything and had learned from her mistake and would never lie to me again. Though I sensed she was still lying to me, my love for her was larger than the shadow of doubt. We married and I was on cloud 9.

Before long, I began noticing mannerisms and inconsistencies in things she'd tell me. It strengthened my intuition, eventually leading me to tell her I felt she was still being dishonest about her past. I pleaded with her to just be honest. She was raised in a conservative family who went to church somewhat regularly. She was also a straight A student, popular, beautiful, and the sweetest person one could meet. Though I was not raised religiously, I took her word when she placed her hand on her bible and said "I swear to God I have told you the truth this time, told you everything". Despite my intuition telling me otherwise, I accepted her word and moved on, for weeks, months. However, the inconsistencies got the best of me. Long story short: She maintained her truthfulness to the point of getting mad at me for even questioning her. Like before though, it came out in the coming months that she was lying to me when she swore on the bible. Again, she swore that was the last lie. Despite acknowledging how this had hurt me and our relationship, and how she had learned from these mistakes, it wasn't the last lie. The same cycle continued once or twice more within that first year or two.

By that time, I had fallen into a fairly deep depression, hurt that she had lied to me so many times. But it was more than the lies. It was the manner in which she did it that really stung. It hurt so badly I developed a painful stomach condition due to the stress. In losing my trust, I gained insecurities. Despite this, over the next 20 years of an otherwise good to great marriage, the deep wound did a lot of healing. But, things would pop up here and there, little lies and such... her speaking badly behind my back in front of our mutual friends, being sneaky with parenting, etc. Though it was all fairly minor, it was still enough to keep the wound open...enough to keep the doubt in my mind. But I kept it inside. I got more depressed, started suffering from stiff bouts of anxiety, and developed a sleeping disorder which exacerbated the depression, anxiety, etc. Still, I kept plugging along. Then, I saw her using the same pattern of lying to our daughter in this last year. She made our daughter the same promise she made me those times before. "I promise I'm telling the truth". Right in front of me when I knew she was lying. It hurt me and I hurt for our daughter. I called her out on it in private. She then lied to me again stating she had forgotten the truth. I knew better. The only thing she had forgotten was that I knew the truth. It was a feeble lie, so easy to see through. But, like so many other times, she vehemently maintained she was being honest. I let her know I didn't believe her and left it at that, giving her a chance to come clean. She didn't.

She admitted to that lie after about a year...but only after I had had enough of her dancing around the truth and pressed. Same story. She lied. She learned from the mistake though. Won't do it again.

Prior to that, I hadn't really put all this history together, linking it to my ongoing and deepening depression, anxiety, and ensuing health issues. Strangely, it is my wife who turned me on to the idea, saying she was the cause of all my pain. But, in her eyes, the fix was for me to go to counseling, me to get on meds. It was me who was the problem, the cause of what had become serious relationship woes. My adoration for her clouded the truth of how toxic her behavior had been on me. The ongoing lies, the hurt, it all turned into frustrations for me. For her, there are always excuses and justifications in her behavior. She's exhibited some bitterness of my distrust and often shows little remorse and even less empathy. In an attempt to prove she's telling the truth, she's been more open with me these last few days. Sadly, I see some of the same patterns of inconsistencies and dancing around the full truth.

I gave all 33 years of my adult life to her plus two years prior. I loved and adored that women to no end and was 100% faithful the entire time, even through the temptation of two women making themselves available. A huge part of me wants to be done...to move on, in hopes of finding someone who is good to their word. But my wife. She has been my best friend. We have grown up together. Our history is long. Our sex has been great. She's a hard worker and has been selfless in every other way. In a twist of irony though, she has poisoned me. My confidence is wrecked, trust ruined, my body and mind sick. Adding to the complexity, is the fact that due to a couple of the health problems I'm having, it would be extremely difficult to support myself if I did leave. And, above all else, there's our daughter. I don't want to break up our little family.

What else has she lied to me and our daughter about? What else will she lie about? Has she been faithful? Will she remain faithful? With her ease of and manner of lying, and her history, I have lost all trust in her. Seems unlikely she will change at this point either. I'm broken.

If you've made it this far, I would very much appreciate your thoughts.

 

Be careful when accusing people of lying.
You don't want to be known as a narcissist.

 

I would say both of you should go to counselling.

 

I kind of feel like some of the burden lays with you. We all do what she does, we all bend the truth to spare the feelings of somebody we care about and nobody likes to be badgered into spilling information they're not comfortable with directly as a result because somebody can't let something go. This happens in every facet of a relationship. At the end of the day though it seems to me that even though you say you're okay with the truth and would just rather her be honest it doesn't really read that way to me, you pressure the issue because you don't like what you're being told and she's bending the truth because she sees that and knows it. So while yes she may be wrong in not being completely honest, I kind of feel that the whole situation is your burden and when it's you're burden then she's completely right, you need to deal with it in whatever way you can because she can't be honest anymore because you aren't going to believe anything she says and that footroot of the problem lays squarely on you now. She may have doused your trust, but you're the one who's ruining the relationship.

 

Drop your curiousity about her life prior to your relationship. Give her the space she needs.
you are driving yourself mad.

 

The past is gone. So is the curiosity. It is the ongoing lying and the manner in which she does it that has me up in arms.

 

you wrecked yourself just get a divorce and set the poor girl free

 

Your narcissm is showing.
Stop controlling your family

 

I would recommend that both of you visit a Relationship Counsellor who can listen to both sides and immediate . Your using language that many of us would not use against our partners .You really do need help to get this sorted.

 

Thanks to those who gave the constructive and thoughtful replies. Points well taken. After letting my mind sit a day and reading what I wrote, I'm humbled, very embarrassed and ashamed. I feel like an ass. My wife is a far better person than I. Would delete my post if I could.
Any way, as one should not speak when upset, neither should one post, especially in a mentally unstable mindset with one hr sleep. Besides counseling, I'm checking into a medication I'm taking for sleep which is known to cause obsessive compulsive behavior (this just blew up in the last several days). Talked to Dr yesterday pm about changing meds.
Thank you all again.

 

No problem mate. Some of us including myself have posted things on here that we wished we hadn't .

I am just glad that you can get things sorted..