Wife Experiences With Ex's But Won't Try With Husband

Hi,

My wife and I asked each other a couple of questions the other night (already married several years) and I asked her if she had done certain things with previous partners e.g. anal sex.
Her answer was 'Yes'.
She has also modelled for previous partners to photograph, but won't for me.
Is it wrong to want the same things? Especially as we are married.
I would have thought there would be no barriers to things which had been done previously... and even explore new ground in time as the relationship progresses.

Right now I feel ripped off or in some ways second rate in my wife's opinion given that she has freely let others enjoy her in a way which she has said she simply will not do with me.

I don't want a wife who acts like she has one foot in the grave. After 5 years, I have not even see her wear a pair of stockings to spice things up. Yet I discovered in a dusty photo album photo's of her modelling in lingerie/nude with a sheet... and some obviously taken after their having some fun with dishevelled hair.

 

Have you said this to her?

 

Yes, and it throws fuel to the fire. She gets angry (all too often) and says that she married me, not them.
From my perspective, she was a lot more fun to her previous partners... as evidence she has kept reinforces. Why keep a draw stuffed full of thongs when she has only worn one twice in 5 years? It's all briefs these days and she says that thongs are uncomfortable. She still has an incredible figure considering she just hit 40. Naturally blessed with a visible 6-pack stomach and petite figure.
We've lapsed into her only being receptive once a month. Any other time it is an uphill battle to get her interested in sex.
She says she has never orgasmed with a guy. While initially sceptical, after 5 years I now believe this. I've had previous partners who have said the same, and with time, patience, and a genuine desire to please, I've always managed to get them over the line. My wife hates me performing oral sex. She thinks it is 'Dirty'. Almost everything I have read refers to oral sex being the most likely way to achieve success. She has her toy, it does the trick. She doesn't want to try anything else. In fact, she has a firm conclusion that nothing works... despite her unwillingness to try/explore.

I do think I am relatively self aware and reasonable when making deductions. What's the only common denominator in this boring attitude to sex? Me.
Have I had great physical relationships in the past? Yes.

I hate having a partner who says they feel pressured to have sex despite it only being once a month. Am I suppose to act grateful for that? Especially when she has also divulged that in the past a couple of times per week was the go. This was also consistent with when we first started dating.

I would say that boredom has set in and I am happy to try anything, but I always get stonewalled. What is the saying... you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink it.
Leaving isn't an option I even want to consider. but a life without passion... I didn't sign up for that when I got married.

 

I personally don't understand why so many women do this. The common advice is to woo the husband with nice-isms and try to force understanding down his throat; but it seems like it's only partially true.

Some things; maybe they didn't like, or they didn't like how they felt when they did them. But I don't see why they can't give some of those things a try for the man they love enough to get legally attached to.



I wonder from your second post though; what did you sign up for? She did this while you were dating, did you expect different when you married?

 

My man is pretty sensitive and caring...but if I put him through this much nonsense...and made him feel so helpless.... as a third party looking in, I would expect him to stop putting up with me and my bullshit.

 

When we were dating... the anal sex thing never was tried and she when going from behind she would say not to get any ideas, it is never going to happen. So I assumed it never had.

Fast forward 5 years... it comes out that it has done these things... and her modelling lingerie etc.

Like you said... I can't see why we can't give some of these things a try as well. I'm a very gently lover when need be and wouldn't enjoy doing something which was unwelcome/painful to my partner. So even if it wasn't a good experience with the ex. Is that a reason to write something off forever... especially with your chosen life partner. I hate the knowledge that my wife has done a lot more with ex lovers than she (at least currently) has any desire to do with me.

Beyond not repeating anything that she has done before, a total unwillingness to explore new things is equally disappointing.

 

Happilyinlove... I hear you, and it is great to get a womans perspective.

If my wife has done something with an ex. I want for us to do it so much better and be the best either of us has or will ever have.

 

Is this just about anal?

Yeah I tried it several years ago with an ex and it was NOT enjoyable. Why don't you try having a banana shoved up your ass? If you're not willing to go there, then why should she? Because technically its an "out" hole. And please don't try to argue that it might be crossing gender specific roles because each sex has pleasure zones in that area so that argument won't fly.

I was also unwilling to try it again, however, my fiancé had a whining crying fit and would not rest until I let him do it. So we tried it, and again I don't find it pleasurable. If its not pleasurable for her, why should she keep trying it?

I'd like to remind you that she picked you as a mate based on all her previous experiences as they helped her form particular interests and understand her own needs. She may have liked/disliked things with past partners and drawn the conclusion that those things just weren't for her.

 

The difference being, you tried. I don't clobber her over the head with this and anal sex was just used to illustrate my wider frustration. Although, I do maintain I feel we should at least try everything... even if only once. If she genuinely wanted to shove a banana up me somewhere... I would tell her that she has to do a bit of pre over the ensuing weeks, as it simply isn't going to happen without a great deal of pain otherwise... I don't enjoy pain, and don't expect her to either. I had an ex who had never tried it. Over the course of weeks/months, we toyed and teased... she got comfortable with it and ended up loving it

Apart from a frequency of once a month (time of ovulation), she has zero desire. My libido is at the other end of she scale. Every day would be great. So it is a source of great disharmony between us. No equates to rejection. Multiply this by however many times per week...

 

Ya but, as you may have read from my The Dog House thread (which you commented on), anal sex became a point of contention for us for a couple weeks. I tried it, reluctantly, because my fiancé is really good at pushing the right buttons with me he can be very persuasive. I also felt legitimately bad for not letting him give it a shot. I also want him to stay within the confines of our relationship, and try to meet his needs.

We also have a different relationship dynamic because I actually respect his manhood and what he represents to me. All too often, women desexualize their men and rely on them to fulfill their needs of friendship and companionship while neglecting their man's needs (which are often different from women's).

With regard to the frequency of sex. It's important to remember that her hormonal changes throughout the month play a big role with her level of sexual desire. However, this does not mean that because there is little to no drive, that she shouldn't make an effort to please her partner. You may or may not be religious (my fiancé and I are, but we're not perfect Christians - we sin). There's a lovely passage in the bible that says "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband." 1Corinthians 7:3. Also "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." 1Corinthains 7:5. Now, this may sound extreme and I'm not a Bible thumper by any means but each passage has legit purpose. How many times do we see men and women stray because their partner is not fulfilling their sexual desires? If you just give in and share the experience together, the man / woman is less likely to cheat. The fact that you are married, makes me wonder what type of ceremony you had and what compelled you to marry at all. I find it funny that a lot of people will stand in a church, say traditional religious wedding vows to each other, then totally throw out anything God says about marriage and the duty we agree to when saying the vows.

 

I honestly have no desire to cheat and I won't, although I am pretty tired of 'Looking after myself' most of the time. A priest once said to me that a relationship without a physical relationship is just a friendship and that a physical relationship is very important to maintaining a healthy marriage.

I just want a healthy sex life. One where we are happy to explore things together, be that common fantasies, or indulging the partners curiosity. I'm not impotent (in which case I would still find a way to please her) or dead yet.

PS: Thank you for the effort put into your posts

 

Thats absolutely true (comments from priest).

Theres something else I didn't consider until a minute ago. How is your team work? How is the relationship outside of sex? Are you considerate of each other in ways that matter and build intimacy? Consider these questions and decide if there is something that is causing her to avoid sex with you. I won't go too far into it, but I was once in a relationship devoid of sex. One day I just decided not to have sex with him anymore, because I was hurt by some of the way he had treated me in arguments. The relationship dragged on for a long time without sex and he never understood the pain I endured caused me to close up and not want to be vulnerable with him. This is a situation that was unique to me but played a massive part in my disinterest in him. By the way, I was still fully interested in sex - just not with him.

 

My guess would be if he used phrases like 'team work' 'considerate of each others feelings' or 'lets try and build intimacy'

 

If you don't respect her hard limits, you will actually push your sex down the bed-death road. Nobody puts out if they are not respected or forced to go through the motions or if it ends up in an argument. Resentment is not good for a sex life but I think you've already done the damage. Good luck getting her trust back.

Marriage does not equal consent.

 

Is she willing to talk about these past experiences? Are you willing or able to talk about them without bringing up your desires? It might help you understand her side more.

 

she absolutely should have lied to protect your feelings

she knew fuckin well it would hurt like hell when she denied you the same access

.....i'm guessing she is finished with you and you don't suspect a thing.....usual story

get rid of her....find another

but dude...this time get the butt sex before you put the ring on the finger

 

^this

she is a fucking ****. What else did she do before she met you?

handcuff her, assfuck her, cum in her face and then tell her you want a divorce.

 

A 'maybe one day', I could get my head around. A flat 'Never' despite having done it for another guy... No I am not fine with that.
What made him so special that she consented to it?
I think it is reasonable to assume you would do something for your husband if you were prepared to do it for an ex.

 

Marriage isn't "for better or for worse, except in the event she won't do anal".