Wierdest reasons for not coming into work.

painting the street

 

cleaning the gutters

 

viagra overdose

 

i died

 

I painted myself into a corner

 

i kidnapped some pencils and i have to watch and make sure they dont escape.

 

my cat had puppies

 

WHAT I'M SAYING ON THE PHONE:

i went in and had my tongue split over the weekend, but for some reason, half of it keeps going down my throat, causing me to dry-heave/vomit violently until it becomes dislodged, and my doc has scheduled me for a self-Heimlich class, and so...


WHAT THEY'RE HEARING:

ACK, Erp krssssssss, < * gag * sputter * BLarffffff * >

 

OMG!!!

That made me remember a TRUE really funny

"Why i Can't Come To Work ~ Today, Tomorrow, and for God only knows how long"

i got a weird tumor on my butt, a couple of inches above the bottom of the cheek, and even though it wasn't malignant, it was like sitting on a Shooter-sized marble. Sort of threw my back off kilter, and was uncomfortable.

So on my next doctor's visit, i mention it, and the doc slices it out, right there in his office. i got about 15 stitches, some pain meds (crap, naturally) and went merrily on my way.

That is, until the flippin' anesthetic wore off!!!

i couldn't sit.

i couldn't walk.

All i could do is lie in bed.

Meanwhile, the flippin' "surgical site" (my ASS! ) is swelling like a hot air balloon in sub-zero degree temperatures.

THE STITCHES ARE BEING RIPPED through my tender gluteous BALLOONeous, and now i need to call work,

WHERE I WAS A CITY BUS DRIVER (!!!),

and try to explain why i can't come to work and sit on my fat ass, driving around Austin for the foreseeable future.

Oh, yeah.

THAT went over REAL well!

Cripes.

ps ~ No, i don't work there anymore

 

my rice krispies were talking to me so i threw the bowel against the wall and now i have to clean it up.

 

I just almost shit myself when I read "bowel"...you obviously meant bowl.....but bowel is 100 times funnier

 

i'm stuck in the wallmart blood pressure machine

 

the doorknob fell off in my hand & I can't get out

 

im riding a snowmobile across the atlantic

 

im on the internet!

 

i cant spell im in the dark

 

i cant come to work today because i'm staying in to smell my incense sticks.

 

im taking pictures of my next door neighbor

 

Im watching my weirdo neighbor take pictures of the other neighbor

 

i'm watching as the entire NEIGHBORHOOD spys on those folks!