Why would he masturbate instead of having sex with me

Whynotme - really - check out the "Tell Me You Love Me" show on HBO -Sunday nights in LA. It deals with this issue exactly - the couple (nice home, kids, good job) have not had sex for a year and she is going nuts and has seen him masturbate after saying he was not interested in sex. They are in couples counseling (or at least she is now - he is refusing to go), and you should be too. Otherwise, your relationship is over.

 

I am going to give it one more shot before I deem it to be over. I have shaved my legs, taken a bath, then conditioned my hair, then took a shower, lotioned up, smell all pretty and look pretty damn hot if I say so myself, fixed my hair like he likes and have on a little white nightie and have been playing that new Kid Rock song So Hotttt all night, that and Paralyzer by Finger Eleven... hmmm, did I forget anything? I even have on eye makeup and lipstick, I am really tan so I dont use any other makeup. If he doesnt sit up and at least take NOTICE of me tonight, I am done...... He would never agree to counseling so that would be out......

 

and yes, I am always clean and look nice, I just look HOT & SEXY tonight

 

let me see!

 

there are probably a few guys,and even girls( and i know i am), jerking the hell off thinking about you looking that way, so yea , the guy just better, ...right? one suggestion; lay on the floor and tell him to use you like a 5 dollar whore-anything goes..

 

i'd suggest something that involves ropes...but this is the wrong forum.

 

I went to bed and turned over on my side away from him. Instead of watching TV, he rolls over next to me and started talking which led to a "do you want to do anything" and I said do you?, he said yeah and then we had a really GREAT interlude, lots of kissing and touching and I rode him frontwards and backwards and then I got on all 4s to let him finish doggy style, it was great and afterward, we kissed a lot, went on the deck to have a smoke and stayed hugged up and holding hands and kissing, so.... we will see where it goes from here. I thanked him last night for making me feel wanted and he said I always want you, I love you. So.... will keep you guys posted and I thank each and everyone of you for the advice, comments and thoughts.

 

I wrote him this letter and he followed it up with a call - call info is after the letter:

I LOVE YOU and please remember that while you are reading this. I have known since the first night I met you that you were going to be someone special to me. I have loved being your wife, your lover, your friend and the mother of our boys. While I totally enjoyed last night, (loved every minute of it), especially the kisses and the holding hands and talking and just being close afterwards, I am still having doubts about us. I have tried our whole married life to make sure that you and the boys have everything you want and need, and I know you spoil me with the things you do for me, but I need honesty from you. I feel that somewhere along the way we have lost each other and last night was a great start to getting us back to where we should be. I know there will be times when we will argue, and things won’t always be perfect, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to be happy again. I haven’t been happy for awhile now. In my heart, I believe that you were making comments about the neighbor and that you were also masturbating. This has made me feel really insecure about myself. I have never felt as bad about myself as I have the past few weeks. I know you don’t think sex is important, and I don’t think sex is so much the issue as I feel like you aren’t being honest with me. It doesn’t bother me that you notice other women. It doesn’t bother me that you masturbate. What bothers me is that you feel like you have to lie to me about it. I love you more than anything and I am still feeling great about how wonderful you made me feel last night, but I can’t get the thought of feeling like you have lied to me out of my mind. You know as much as I love sex that I would be willing to try just about anything you want, but that can’t happen until you are more open with me about what you want. I need you to be honest with me. I know you are going to notice other women and think they are hot. I know there are going to be times when you masturbate, and I can deal with that. But what really bothers me is I feel like you are lying to me. Being honest is very important to our relationship. How can we trust each other if we aren’t honest with each other about everything? I don’t care that you notice other women, I don’t care that you masturbate, in fact, I would find it a great sexual turn on to watch you masturbate. I feel great about how things were last night, but I also feel hurt because after almost 15 years of marriage, I feel like you think you can’t be honest with me. I have let this bother me for awhile now and I realize that it is time for us to be completely honest with each other. If I can’t believe what you are telling me, and if you feel you have to lie to me, then we have a problem in our marriage that can’t be fixed until we are honest with each other. This isn’t about sex; it is about being honest and knowing that we can trust each other. I just want to understand why you don’t think you can be honest with me. After almost 15 years of marriage, you should feel able to tell me anything. I will be waiting for you when you get home if you want to talk, if not, I will know that the past 15 years have meant nothing to you. I also want you to know that I won’t get mad if you tell me that what I believe has been happening is true. It will make me feel a lot better to know that you have been honest and that we can talk freely and openly with each other. I think us being honest with each other tonight will be a great start in us getting back on the right track. In fact, all you have to do is call me now and tell me that it is true. We can talk about it for a few minutes and then it will be over.


He called and told me that I was crazy if I thought the past 15 years meant nothing. Then he goes on to tell me that I know him too well and it was true. Then he gets mad at me for "hounding" him, when he looked me straight in the eye and PROMISED that it wasnt true. Oh well.....

 

Wow! Ok, to begin with, I have not let myself go. I am the only one in this relationship who has put forth any effort into our sexual relationship. I am open to anything he wants to do, not ONCE have I ever turned him down. I didnt try to shame him, I wanted to know if there was a problem and if so, what I could do to fix it. I have never liked flowers and we both do things for each other. He always has everything he wants in the way of material wants, I dont bitch at him if he wants to go do something with his friends, as for any kind of sex, he knows I am willing. As for blowjobs, I would suck his dick every night IF HE would let me. As for the great fucking last night, it was probably because he knew the jig was up. I knew what was going on. I am a VERY sexual person. I always try to look nice for him, sexy for him. My problem was I was doing everything I could and he still would rather wait till I left the house and jack off. How is it shaming him to want to simply know if it was something about me? I was wanting to know what I could do to change or make him want me, trying to resolve the issue. Should I have just let him jackoff till doomsday and have my self-esteem hit the floor to the point where I was ready to find a fuck buddy just so I would know someone still found me attractive? I tell him ALL the time how sexy he is, how I love his chest, wanna suck his dick, yada yada yada.... As for the masturbating, I would love to watch him do that. It would be a great turn.

 

Damn! mY new guru!

 

I am not going to feel guilty for him lying. No way! I dont think I am perfect, but I put 100% into all aspects of our relationship. I havent put any pressure on him. Other than sticking his dick in my mouth, kiss him, caress him and being told, nah, I dont feel like it. No, not tonight. I make all the advances, I keep myself fit and attractive, I do everything I can to make him happy and all I want is to be fucked once in awhile. What is wrong with that? Believe it or not, I can just kiss him and he thinks I am trying to fuck him. He wont even let me be affectionate with him. So maybe I am just a screwed up bitch with a higher than normal sex drive.

 

it might sound like a personal attack, whynot, but what cf speaks is truth. sex between you is too emotionally involved and too big a stressor for your man to feel comfortable anymore. cf speaks the "tough love" line, coming from experience. you need to chill out. hell, my man and i typically fuck like crazed beavers, but even still, he's masturbating, he's checking out other women. hell, i do the same thing. it's natural. just chill OUT. don't stress about it and don't allow yourself or your marriage be defined by your sexual relations. marriage is about much more than that. i would still recommend couseling, since there's emotional issues here that need to be addressed, but stop pressuring your man. it's very simple: if a man eats nothing but red m&m's for 20 years, eventually he's going to want a GREEN one. it's not hate, it's nothing against you, it's just human biology.

 

you've described a guy who only has sex with you once a month, preferring to jerk off on a daily basis...so no, it's not about your sex drive being 'too high'. it's about him not being very interested in having sex with you. maybe he is bored, maybe he's into something he knows or believes you wouldn't be into, or maybe he's fantasizing about someone he has a crush on, or maybe he's actually having sex with someone else...who knows? but no normal guy is gonna have sex only once a month when he can have it whenever he wants...especially not if he's horny enough to jerk off daily and is obviously thinking about sex alot...sorry, not buying it.

i have not personally known of any guy changing his sexual habits or preferences because a woman, any woman, wants him to. so i wouldn't recommend wasting a whole lot of your life trying to. it would probably be best to get busy living the life you want to live, and keeping your eyes open for someone compatible along the way. you sound like your life is on hold while you try to figure this guy out. i seriously doubt your efforts are gonna pay off.

 

My god, you've hit the nail on the head...

Props CF

 

<my husband wanted to reply>

Wow!!! There are so many things to respond to I am not sure where to begin. I suppose I'll begin with the original problem...concerns about your husband masturbating.

Men masturbate for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes it is simple stress release, sometimes it is to let devious little fantasies get a little fresh air, but unless it is part of your shared sexual experience, it is totally selfish, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. (I like to ride a motorcycle; so does my wife, but it is no betrayal of our love if I go ride off without her occassionally.) As was said before, when in hand, you don't have to deal with anyone else's expectations, satisfactions or tastes. If you want to do it standing on your head while fantasizing about a midget orgy...no one is gonna say, "You sicko...or...I'm not in the mood for that right now." Maybe you think that you can give him his fantasies, but even if you are trying to satisfy his fantasy, he may have to guide and direct it to get it the way he wants it...masturbation does not require guidance...you can simply allow the thoughts to flow and wait for the payoff.

With that in mind, even before you said anything, he knew it was bugging you. As you accosted him for sex expecting him to perform after you knew he had masturbated, you challanged him with, "If you masturbate, you can't service me," thus telling him that he is not allowed to have his selfish action. (The kid & candy was a really good metaphor) The slap did not kill the taste for candy, and if you cant achieve your goals through legitimate means, you will resort to illegitimate means. Now, the serious deception begins.

To address the lying; an act as selfish and private as masturbating does not want to be broadcasted. It was him, a tissue, and his thoughts. Now, it has your voice condemning it. He needs food for thought to make it selfish again. Your letter made it harder for him to drown out your condemnation, so he will do it more to get it back in hand. For most, a less satisfying effort is a prelude to another effort to try and get the big "O" instead of the little one.

I can't believe that he just started masturbating, so the leaving evidence of it is either a legitimate oops, or a way of saying, "See...you didn't take that away from me."

In essence, try to understand that his hiding his masturbation is normal and natural, because we all want our selfish little pleasures, and he is not masturbating as a surrogate for sex with you. It is about him, not you. If you let it be about him, then his other attentions may become more about you.

As I say this, bare in mind what we have not heard from him. For all we know he could be a seething porn addict with a penchant for Micky Mouse in bondage, and is having an affair with another man. We don't know what he is doing or thinking and so can't really judge his place in all this.

You also need to understand that there has been damage done, and until he feels that he can masturbate without fear of reprisal, there can be no solution that will make both of you happy, at least not regarding that issue. It honestly sounds as if there are greater issues at hand here and that masturbation has become the scapegoat FOR BOTH OF YOU. If you can't iron out a difference like this in a short time, get counseling. It is a lot cheaper than a divorce and doesn't leave you with near the unresolved feelings. If he won't go, go yourself. He gets alone time and you may get answers.

Good luck.

 

So for all you wondering what happened - I still can not get it out of my mind that he chose to masturbate instead of having sex with me for several months. He denies this, but I know it is true. Anyway, we were having sex one night and I couldnt cum, he gets really pissed and wants to know why I cant. I found it so ironic that he gets mad at me for not having an orgasm when he was making his own for several months. This happened twice, and he didnt like it at all. I really tried and was into, but.... it just didnt happen. Then we had a couple of nights of good sex, I even used a vibrator on myself for him and then I masturbated while he played with my tits, and he still wont masturbate for me.

I still cringe and feel sick inside when I realize how many months he chose to masturbate instead of being with me. He did tell me he jacked off a couple of times to those little magazine ads that Adam and Eve sends out. I know he had to be imagining doing something with whoever/whatever he was looking at and that really hurts me. Maybe I am just crazy, but I cant help that I still feel betrayed because I KNOW he had to be thinking about someone else while he was jacking off to the porn video of 2 women and also while looking at those mags. It wasnt me. I am even seeing my psychotherapist again. Of course, I have only had 2 visits so....

 

Look at the post above yours and read it. Read it over and over again until you get it. It's some very smart and wise advice. Keep seeing the therapist.

 

Apparently my husband wasted his time posting and trying to explain things from a male point of view.

My husband masturbates....it is possible/even probable that he thinks of other women when he does.... I DON'T CARE! I would be a hypocrite if it pissed me off because I masturbate to, and I damn sure don't want him telling me when I am allowed to and what or who I can think about.

Why bother asking for advice when you have no intention of following it????? I have never understood that.......

 

wow, i agree with the last 3 people, why ask for advice if your not going to take it, i mean, this isnt a pitty me forum your asking opinons and advice and your getting it and your just typing 100 reasons why your husband is the way he is, well im here to tell you NO ONE CAN CHANGE THINGS BUT YOURSELF!

if your husband isnt giving you enough dick, find it somewhere else and get rid of him, sex isnt the problem here, i believe its deeper then what is or what is not going on in the bedroom, if you got to come on here and ask for advice, instead of talking to your husband, then you guys have comunication problems , no doght about that, and i bet your husband would be SOOO happy to know the whole world knows about what he does in this towels, and to what mags..and what he does to you in the bedroom!
How wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i mean, you want help, stop making him out to be the asshole, he is a guy
and yes guys get bored, but i have a hard time believeing its the sex he is bored of, its got to be something in your relationship that is turning him away.
Sex is only the icing on top of the cake, if the cake isnt made just right, the icing will melt.....via your sex life..does that make sence?

You need help and so does your husband and if he wont talk about it
its time to move on, sex will not fix anything, nor will having more of it, fix the way he feels or how much more he would want you..
so take note and think about what you want in a marriage and decide weather its time to move on, or stay in this sexless marriage....
THERE ARE NO 2 WAYS ABOUT IT!!!!!!

 

look, guys masturbate. tehy masturbate a lot, and they dont always think about just one thing or just one person. thats how theyre wired, its just how theyre supposed to be

ill admit it seriously sucks that he isnt open enough with you to admit that yes, he masturbates because it relieves stress or whatever, its shitty that your lines of communiation are so closed down with him that you cannot have a friendly, open, truthful discussion about masturbation and sex. but you absolutely cannot expect him to only think about you ever when he masturbates, that is not a realistic expectation