Why doesn't he want to have sex?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by cn283, Apr 24, 2007.

  1. cn283

    cn283 Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    I'm curious...

    I've been with my BF for a year and a half, and for the past couple of months he hasn't wanted to have sex. I've asked him and all he does is apologize and says he's just not feeling sexual. He says he'll try and nothing changes...Its starting to take a toll on the relationship. He doesn't give me any reason other than I don't know...What are possible reasons for a guy to lose his sex drive completely like this?
  2. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    The most obvious one is that he is fantasizing about being with other women and is suffering from the tedium of monogamy. BUT, you mention he doesn't give you an explanation: it may be that because he's unable to communicate with you about the troubling aspects of his sexual fantasies and desires (which always involves others), he is becoming emotionally detached.

    That has happened to me in the past, and so rule number one for me from now on is that I at least be able to TALK about my fantasies regarding other women. But to be quite sincere, I also think you should acknowledge that monogamy isn't for most of us (and it may be contrary to the biological instincts of our species as the data suggests: most people cheat or go limp).

    Good luck, maybe ask him about whether he's thinking about other women and assure him it's ok to talk about it. I betcha your going to get SOME sort of reaction.
  3. cn283

    cn283 Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    I've asked many times and he says that's not it. He watches porn and I think that's it but he disagrees. Now I've pretty much given up on sex with him and masturbate as often as he does. I've been looking for help on forums and he saw that on my computer and got upset. He tells me he doesn't want this to be an issue we don't talk about and that me looking on forums makes him uncomfortable...but he doesn't talk about it! He just says I'm sorry. How can he mad at me looking for answers?
  4. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    cn283, if your bf is looking at porn he is fantasizing about other women...I mean, there is just no two ways about it...that's what porn IS!

    Now, I've just come out of a relationship with someone who's got TREMENDOUS difficulty accessing, communicating, and acknowledging her feelings, and all I can say is that I came out of it pretty bitter.

    There is no way to beat people up into communicating their feelings, but one thing is for sure --- your bf has feelings he doesn't want to communicate (either he's afraid of them or afraid of the impact they might have) and THAT is the reason why he's uncomfortable having you look for answers in the forums.

    Believe me, I've been on both sides of the equation and I've learned my lesson. Eventually we're all faced with a decision. Especially if our partners are advocates of the status quo like I have been in the past.

    Problem is, the status quo doesn't work. Relationships either die or stay alive. There is no riding the fence, IMO.

    P.S. A relationship could be dead and two people are still nominally together. Contrarily, I relationship may receive a great boost from two people breaking up. It's curious...I am much more emotionally active towards my ex-girlfriend of 3 years now that we broke up than towards the end of our relationship when I was playing the role your bf is now playing.

    Good luck!
  5. sexbanshee

    sexbanshee Member

    I am noticing an upsurge in the lack
    of sexual interest from males....(in
    committed relationships)

    Do some men feel somewhat disempowered
    these days..maybe due to the change in
    female attitudes shifting...



  6. Haid

    Haid Member

    We have a winner!
  7. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    You got it. In fact we are now witnessing a silently developing global crisis in all of heterosexual maledom...you heard it here first: there will be deluges, and fratricidal warfare alongside with its attendant catastrophes (epidemics, rape, social & structural disintegration).

    In fact, I think human relations are undergoing their deepest crisis since WWII...just a hunch. Alienation is the key word...The Virginia Tech outrage is merely a small symptom.

    The basic problem facing the male in the 21st century is this: WE CAN DO NO RIGHT TOWARDS WOMEN. WE SHALL ALWAYS DISAPPOINT!

    Women themselves know not what to expect or wish for in a male. The reason why is because the macho schema has broken down, and nothing has taken its place. What we have is a ghostly skeleton, an anachronism, half-guiding gender relations. All is in flux!

    Hopefully out of the next calamity, genderless utopias will arise. But that would possibly mean the extinction of the species. LOL!!!
  8. sexbanshee

    sexbanshee Member


    My very words to a female friend today...."men always disappoint me"

    Maybe if more men were aware as you are...and open to self examination...there may be a slight shift in things...

    Genderless utopia.......how very very intriguing...!!!!

    I so agree with the relationship crisis statement....I can feel this deeply and am witnessing it every day.....

    Big changes needed before the balance can be restored...
  9. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    Women will have to go through some deep self-examination too. Believe you me.

    The reason we always disappoint is this: women are as much a factor in the clinging aspects of macho ideology as men. They in fact require that men be macho and not macho at the same time. Which is an impossibility...hence we'll always come up short, by definition.

    In parts of the UK, suicide is the leading cause of death for males of my age cohort. The reason? Women's disappointment in the male!

    I am trembling as I type these words. I am supposed to be writing a paper right now about scientific theory rubbish...But I have just found my calling: nothing is more important!

    In spite of necessarily being presumptuous in saying this, I feel I have something to say to humanity as far as gender relations are concerned at this given point in time. I shall write a book, and the introduction to it are the words you now read.

    I know of no heterosexual male with my experience: I've witnessed and keenly felt both the macho and feminist side of the fence.

    I grew up in a single-mom household. My mother was a radical feminist activist (alongside being a Trotskyite and involved in the brazilian government and the UN). Having a mother like her, even though our relationship will never come to par, is a PRIVILEDGE of unaccountable consequence.

    I am a heterosexual male and found out that I wasn't macho enough for women to appreciate me. And yet when I played the gender roles forced down my throat, I was a pig.

    To be continued...
  10. natural philosophy

    natural philosophy bitchass sexual chocolate

    maybe he slammed his penis in the toilet or something. try to examine it as he sleeps.
  11. sexbanshee

    sexbanshee Member

    I look forward to reading the book!!!

    Maybe I attend your book signing in NY!!

    WOW.....i totally relate to what you write...

    In short i will have to repeat what I hear SO
    many times from some of the male population

    "Women are never satisfied"

    (I always thought
    this statement was a cop out for men to treat
    women badly)

    And yes....all of us....will have to go through
    some deep self examination, or as I like to
    put it healing...

    Have a feeling though, that my son's generation
    will be somewhat more open and responsive to
    the much needed changes...

  12. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    You're invited!!! lol!

    I wish I was as optimistic as you are. I think the kicker is to understand problems in gender relations as a dynamic perpetrated by both sides in different ways to differing degrees, as opposed to picking sides...

    But of course that is so hard to do since gender differences touch us so deeply and so emotionally.
  13. Dees72

    Dees72 Member

    Damn that was put perfectly. All the books I read about failing relationships today, not one stated it more correctly than you just did. I also was raised by my mother only. Its hard for me to treat woman the way most men do. I respect them and treat them as an equal and it always has failed me. They seem to love it at first but then its like they don't know how to react to it and they think its not working because they don't look up to you because you don't look down to them. They all say they want a sensitive nice guy but when they get one they don't know how to act. This confuses us men and I find myself playing a balancing act to keep things going. If you talk them up and make them feel great about themselves they will get cocky and start to think they can do better and look for something better(grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side of the fence). But if you remind them they are lucky to have a guy like us they see us as arrogant and full of ourselves. Like you say we can't win.

    I also feel relationships seem to be more of a compitition now days to see just how good of a mate you can get instead of being happy that you even have a person that loves and cares for you. People seem to be less and less greatfull for what they have in thier lives, they only see what they don't have or focus on what they think they could have, even if they are happy with the relationship they are in.
  14. sexbanshee

    sexbanshee Member


    I am VERY optimistic...I must be i married
    THREE times lol....

    Guys I do sympathise with you and the dilemas
    you face....

    And yes we need to be more grateful...for sure we do

  15. sexbanshee

    sexbanshee Member

    I actually think one answer to the quandry is
    to have one man/woman for each day of the

    lol.....at least then we may have a hope in
    hells chance of feeling somewhat satisfied...

    hence my gentleman callers idea...

  16. Allonym

    Allonym cheesecake slut

    generally speaking, peoples libidos die off because of one of three big reasons (this is a generality, there are other reasons, but, these are the big 3 in my experience) 1) stress 2) sickness (also a kind of stress I suppose) or 3) theyre fucking someone else

    its probably stress. and probably something he feel sembarassed over and thus feels he cannot talk to you about. i dont relaly know how to get him to open up, but if you guys have access to a fre eor low-cost counsellor you may want to suggest he goes there, because youre worried about him and know you cannot fix everything for him, but want him to have a fighting chance in sorting everyhting out via a safe, confidential, educated third party
  17. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    I like the idea.
  18. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    I'm in total agreement with all the above poster says.
  19. cn283

    cn283 Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Thanks for your help, but it looks like its a lost cause. We talked about it again, I asked if there was ANYTHING I could do and he said the same prepared speech. And nothing has changed. I don't want to come across as a sex fiend, but the lack of sex in the relationship has really taken a toll on my feelings and I'm not sure if I can stay. Why would I when he's just going to jack off to porn rather than try to figure out what's going on...or if he knows at least be honest with me?
  20. rasprophecy

    rasprophecy Member

    dude is probly scarred of sex...

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