Why Do We Dislike, Argue With Or Not Relate To Other Women?

Maybe we didn't have a positive role model for womanhood in our lives?

Do these issues revolve around men and our relationships with sexuality? i.e. competition or just disdain/mistrust

Maybe we don't connect with our own femininity and see it as a weakness...i.e. patriarchy and societal roles.

Some ideas to consider.

One big thing I'd like to bring up because it's a huge trigger to me...is seeing other women emasculate men. I grew up with a mother who was hugely disrespectful, emasculating and perhaps abusive to the whole of manhood. She didn't trust, didn't value, didn't respect men. This made me furious anytime I'd see other women do this to men. It still does to some extent. I try to be more compassionate, but it makes me more judgemental of women and more protective of men, because I've seen this up close and personal so much. It made it hard for me to trust women for so long, I suspected a lot of them had alterior motives. It also made me see men as victims and put them on a pedestal. That was not healthy either.

As I got older I saw strong, respectful, beautiful female role models and I learned to trust women more, but it still really pisses me off to see women who emasculate, manipulate and take advantage of men.

I learned that I had no boundaries with men and wanted to heal them, I have since learned what a healthy man is...they're not all wounded...most of them aren't, and some of them who are are completely dangerous and shouldn't be trusted at all, let alone "healed" with my own energy.

This effects my relationships with women though. I have always had a few women I've been close to, I've been good friends with some great women for 10+ years, but I feel that women work better in regular communion with other women and in tribal settings/communities...and yet we have so many problems getting along with each other. I don't believe this is normal or natural. As women we have a profound ability to communicate, so the problem here is societal. It has to be related to emotional triggers, patriarchy and the fact that some women break the "code" which is that disrespect they have for men, therefore they must also put themselves on a pedestal and compete with women to be able to manipulate and emasculate men without other women stepping in and stopping that.

 

Honey, that's an enlightening point of view.

I do not befriend many women.

I cannot stand, and will not spend time with, women who are pretentious; and there are more of them than not.

http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/pretentious




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That drives me more crazy than anything.

I despise it.

Be real. Don't put on airs, or get the fuck out of my space.

 

I get along with females that are not trying to take something away from me.
I build people up,mostly, so I am not into emasculating men.

 

I am friendly with all sorts of women. =]

 

I would say most of the time I find it easier to get along with men as friends. Typically they are more laid back about things and are less drama most of the time. I've always been seen as "one of the guys" by all of my friends. I can hang with guys pretty easily. I get their sick jokes and humor. I grew up with 5 brothers so I think hanging out with guys comes naturally to me. Also I have found a lot of men feel like they can open up to me and talk to me about things they may not be able to talk about with many people.

That being said I have an amazing group of women that I'm friends with. I have about 12 women that I know I could call at any time of day and each and every one of them would be there for me no matter what. I know most women my age aren't lucky enough to have that. I don't deal with drama within my group of girlfriends though. If something comes up I get it out there and squash it right away. NO DRAMA for me. I don't have time for it. Its not about competition with these women. It's about loving and supporting each other. Building each other up. Not tearing each other down to make ourselves feel better.

 

Let's be honest now. You can't "love" and "build up" everyone. You don't have to be in competition with someone, they can still have the intention of competing with you. For instance, I had a friend through all my school years, up into college. All those years I had no clue she saw me as competition and went out of her way to discredit me, start rumors, and yet call me her best friend. I didn't expect my friend to be perfect, but when I saw her manipulating my friends (men and women, but especially men) and I called her out on it, she had no remorse about it. I dropped her as a friend, forever. I never need to talk to her again, although she years later is still asking my family about me, I will not deal with someone who can't be decent to people and who will use her femininity to trap and take advantage or men or women or whoever she can trap into her web.

I make male friends really easily, but I think one thing I've noticed is that men are often allowed to get away with a lot more...their families don't usually judge them as harshly, nor are they judged in the workplace or with their friends/in relationships as harshly and they don't give as much value (in general) to a good friend, they also don't share themselves as freely, perhaps because of this undying support some parents have for their screwed up sons. I value most of my female friendships more, although there are less of them, but I am pickier with female friends because I think I understand them better. There are women who turn me off as soon as I meet them because I can tell what kind of person they are...this is an extreme minority of women, but it happens.

With men, it takes me longer to see when a man is a complete dick. Sometimes I misjudge men and shut them down before I get to know them, because of assumptions I make, but usually I just don't see this type of personality in men, as quickly as I can see/sense it in women.

 

I hear you, usedtobehoney.....That is what I meant by taking something away from me, and why I think a person is very lucky with true friends......

I have to say I can count quite a female friends I see every day in real life....eye to eye.....mutual respect....and genuine liking....is rare.....

I don't try to build up people that rub me wrongly. I just try to avoid them, but when they go out of their way to get in my way constantly, my teeth and claws can come out.

 

Definitely.

 

Oh I'm not saying I love and build everyone up. I'm saying that's the way it is within my group of girlfriends. We are a very close group and we speak via text or fb message every day. I've definitely dealt with my fair share of women who weren't like that. I don't have them in my life anymore. My core group of friends are like family to me. I tell them I love them all the time. Literally, I send them texts or tell them in person "I love you". Its just the way we are. I'm lucky. I don't put up with women who don't support one another. I don't have room in my life for them.

 

Well that sounds convincing. Whenever "amazing" is used as an adjective like that, the opposite is true. I'm sure all those 12 are ready to chat on the phone with your for ever, but "be there for me no matter what" come on, who you kidding

PS: please go back to your original screename, Rubes is too close to Pubes

 

Why does anyone have to "build up" anyone.

"Build up" is just a phrase used instead of the word "change". And usually change for the benefit of the person saying it


We love and support each other, I dont have time for those that wont be supportive - that type of thing - just translates to We do shit for each other, I do shit for them, they do shit for me, I dont bother with people that wont do shit for me.

Shouldnt the question be, well, why dont we all do shit for ourselves?

 

I'm envious. I've never had a group like that.

At most, I had two girls at one time in college who had my back, and they knew I was looking out for them. By the end of college, I was down to one true female friend, but got back up to 2.5 in more recent years, as old friends got past the diaper changing hell of being a young wife.

One thing that drives me crazy at parties and other social events is when the sexes separate and the women start complaining bitterly about men being men. I've never seen that kind of negativity lead to anything good. If possible, I'll join the men's conversation in those situations. I accept them as they are.

 

I don't find that unbelievable in the least. My wife has many female friends that are always there for each other and they chat every day.

Unfortunately "being there no matter what" includes being here at my house.

Edit: I forgot to put haha and after my comment about being at my house.

 

building up is just the opposite of tearing down, is all.....

Do I tell people in real life that are my friends..."Hey you look like shit today..."

absolutely not.

 

I think its hilarious that you are so quick to judge the people in my life without knowing anything about them, or me for that matter. No, we don't "change" each other. We do love and support each other. Yes we "do shit for each other". That doesn't mean that we don't do shit for ourselves. It means that sometimes you need a little help with things in life and its a blessing to have people you know you can count on.

You find out who your true friends are when shit hits the fan. When someone drove their car through my friends house and pushed her mother through the front of the house and pinned her under the car in the front yard guess who was there? That's something you can't handle on your own. While my friend and her husband were on the way to the hospital to see her mother die all of us were at her house taking care of her son, animals, boarding up the house, dealing with the police, etc.

When another friends husband got put in the hospital and was critically ill 1400 miles from home I was on a plane and there within 24 hours of the phone call to help get them home.

We have been there for each other through good times and bad. Just like a marriage. Weddings, babies, deaths, etc. That's the kind of shit that my "AMAZING" friends do for each other. I've known most of these women for over 20 years so I am confident when I say they would be there for me "no matter what" because they have proven it over and over again.

P.S. I'm fine with my new name. I guess you'll have to look past it being so close to pubes.

 

I don't know Vanilla Gorilla. I know that the rhetoric he used is perhaps getting in the way of his point.

When I read the title, it struck me that dislike, argue with, and not relate to are perfectly fine kinds of relationships to have with people. (Those three classes are not exclusive nor identical) If we let people be who they are, we might end up in those kinds of relationships with them.

The OP hope that "women are all sisters and support each other" is nice, but ignores the reality of some blood sisters. Sisters don't have to like each other, all they have to do is politely sit next to each other at Uncle Ferd's funeral.

Or is "being part of the universal sisterhood" another expectation that is being put on women?

 

I've always gravitated towards male energy, especially at parties and other social situations. I think its boring when women sequester themselves off in the kitchen or wherever. Men are usually more fun in social situations. Men olay, women talk. I dont really like to talk, especially about meaningless things, so I would rather be having fun with the dudes.

I get along fine with women but because I'm not big on chit chat its can be hard for me to connect with other women. I prefer women who like action rather than conversation. I connect like a stereotypical male in that way.

as I've grown older I've tried to befriend women rather than men, mostly because I've figured out a true platonic friendship with the opposite sex is really rare. I have a big group of girlfriends I like very much but for the most part I have a very surface level friendship with them. I can only think of four girls/women I've really connected with in my life on a deeper level than just someone to hang out with.

I dont really have a catty bone in my body though. I genuinely like and admire most women I meet and I'm envious of females who make friends easily with other females.

 

There is no hope here of all women being sisters, it's more a statement as to why some women are particularly rude to other women, and they are NOT like that with the opposite sex...or either why some women are outcasts in circles of women, who don't otherwise outcast other people. I see it as relevant to how we view ourselves as women, if we have major problems with women on a regular basis. Not just specific women, but women as a whole, women in general.

Now, I never had "problems" with women as a whole, but I did not consider myself to be "like other women" or "most women". In my mind, in my stories, I didn't relate to womanhood or most "feminine" issues. I've learned that for me, it was that I have always judged myself by a masculine standard. I was a "tomboy", and I saw "femininity" as synonymous with being a "girly girl". I no longer see things that way and I've learned to value my femininity and stop judging myself for not being masculine enough or only valuing the masculine parts of myself...therefore, I feel the same way about other women. This is where I believe feminism goes off it's mark. I consider myself to be feminist but it is not motivated by a sense of proving that women and men are exactly the same. That's judging women on a masculine scale, again...it hurts men because women become bitter when men aren't feminine enough (which like someone said up there is ridiculous) and women also become bitter when men attempt to show their masculinity, as if it's a competition and the women have to show that they can be masculine too.

Of course we all have feminine and masculine capabilities, but if we're too busy trying to be exactly the same, women aren't allowed to be women, and men aren't allowed to be men, we're all trying to fit into some unrealistic standard. This is how women become very judgemental of other women...some of us are trying to fit into a standard, and as the case with most minority groups, anyone who doesn't fit into that standard is thought of as a traitor. Basically what I'm saying is not that ALL women should get along and be sisters, more that the anti-women women out there are participating in an unnecessary and unnatural way of being feminine. You don't have to be able to have idle "chit-chat" to have strong relationships with women, or gossip or emasculate men...those are unnatural manifestations of women's need to "commune".

 

I have 3 women's groups that I'm a part of. One of them is spiritual in nature. It's an amazing group. There has never been any arguments or anything of the sort and there is so much support.

The other group is more activity/hobby-based, but we get into a lot of topics like feminism and pop culture. There are arguments there sometimes, but there is generally a code of conduct and it is almost always very respectful and productive. It took some work as a community to get things to that level. This group is very much like a family. When anyone is in trouble we can count on each other. Be it silly annoying things are extremely serious things, like accidents, death, etc.

The third group is a support group. Again there are rarely arguments, but sometimes there are. Even though we get into some deeply personal stuff, the relationships don't tend to expand from the group.

I don't find myself hanging out with women when I go to random parties, I don't hang out with men either. I typically hang out with the kids, have a couple of private conversations and just hang out on my own, chillin'. If I'm in a group of people who are like-minded, that's completely different, but there wouldn't be the kind of drama, gossip, etc. associated with "mainstream" parties.

Anyways, without these groups, even though I have 2-3 women friends that I am very close to, I wouldn't be a balanced person, period. I also wouldn't be a balanced person without at least one of super-close bff women friends.

Now, I may talk to more men on a regular basis, but I only have 1 or 2 good guy friends...and they just don't last. There is one guy friend that I really depend on from time to time, but I'd be okay without him in my life...

 

Well, you cant really win either way. Thread is basically OP starting a thread asking why so many, yes not all, women are bitches.

And she's listed 3 areas; emotional triggers ( no argument there ), the patriachy - sure there are some things you can blame guys for, and lastly breaking the "code" in quote marks which made me smile

And you've basically come along and said well, I have up to 12x more close female friends than you have nanner nanner, you dont get how that could sound competitive?

Some of those stories you mentioned are inspiring, but what happens with the couple that cant afford to just jump on a plane when friends emergencies happen? You've known most of them for 20 years, so you are talking about the ones you went to high school with or grew up in the same neighbourhood, so really its just mostly because they are just there

And if we did get to know you and those 12 in real life, how long would it take for us to realise its only really 2 or 3 of them you are really close to, and like anyone else on the planet you wouldnt have time for 12 close friends

Karen made another important point too, you need that support most in the diaper hell that is young kids, and by the sounds of it, you and those 12, all your kids arent quite teenagers yet - are you ready for what happens next? Or is it starting to happen now? Which is why you need the "amazing" preceding friends.

Thats the way it is for me, whenever I hear a superlative in front of a noun, I'm like "Ohh here we go" mmmm hmmm. Oh I have such an amazing group of friends, my husband and I have such a deep connection, my kid and I have such wonderful communication....tick tock, tick tock