Why do men cheat?

I am a man that has never been in a "truly" monogamous relationship. I say truly because I have secretly cheated on every one of my partners. I have had periods of monogamy. When I got married in 1999, I was monogamous for the first 6 years. After 19 years as an adult, I now ask myself...why am I a cheater and a liar. My conclusion is that society convinced me that monogamy was good and every other forms of relationships were bad. So I took all of my bad thoughts and actions and learned to hide them from the world to survive. I cheat because I am selfish. Maybe this is why all men cheat?

 

To score when they feel they can't.

 

I think it is about much more than simply "scoring" when the other is not in the mood. Both sexes being with the same person gets old. I don't want to oversimplify things but the thought of being with this one person (and this person alone) for the rest of one's natural life doesn't sound sexually exhilarating. Sure being with one person to enjoy your life with is great but when it comes to unadulterated passion and carnal urge...the newness of another wins more times than it loses. So why do women cheat? I go against the grain on this topic. I think women cheat for the very same reasons men cheat. Do some women get turned on and sexually aroused by seeing or thinking about someone who is not their monogamous partner....Sure! Since antiquity, society has convinced women to abandon their fleshly desires while rewarding men for their conquests. Only recently (within the past 100 years) has society now turned their convincing ways to men as well. Men and women both cheat for the same reasons. We can package it into nice rosy categories like "he/she doesn't do it for me" or "I was missing something" but at the end of the day, we are mammals that love pleasure and love ourselves above all. I know, I know this forum is filled with piety and we all have high morals and values but fancy me a scenario. What if our fundamental values, beliefs, and society was 180 degrees from where it is now? If polyamory, polygamy, or some other form of poly was the norm (meaning most people were this way and it was mandated by the popular religious sect) would you still stand so tall against the grain and choose to be different or would you buckle to conformity?

 

Not all men cheat and many women do as well. I am 42 was married in a pretty sex less relationship and I never cheated in my life and never would. I look down at it big time.

You nailed it when you said selfish people are the ones who do it. There are selfish men just as there are selfish women. I don't want anything to do with any of them.

 

People who cheat are extremely insecure. They want to have their cake and eat it too, to have all the trappings of a traditional life while secretly living out their fantasies, instead of having the character to stand up and admit they don't believe in monogamy.

There is nothing wrong with wanting multiple partners but there is something wrong with convincing someone you are someone you're not.

 

umm everyone loves a new pussy, its got that new car smell...sorta lol

but for real, it gives you a sense of being able to get what you want when you want, you feel superior because you are getting away with it, its a high

and....you always gotta have a plan a,b and c when in a relationship, so if you have been getting it on the side and break up then you got a quick rebound.

 

It bothers me too, but also because those people, are the reason why STD/STI fester and haven't been eradicated from the species.

The latter reason actually bothers me more so than the former, because then you see a real connection between promiscuity and real harm, VS the pro-promiscuity people who always try to downplay that it doesn't really do any harm, and that any psychological/emotional harm is caused by culture's standards, and "harm" is all perception and closed-mindedness.


----


I do want to say that the brain of a "cheater" is different in how it releases and absorbs dopamine than "non-cheaters". So not to justify it or anything, but part of the reason for this behavior is bio-neurological, and explains why the feeling of unsatisfaction with long term partners occurs.

 

Idk I just think giving one person all your love is just dangerous, my love is too strong and if that gets broken than I would be hurt. But like shep said, it also can give you rush feeling knowing that multiple females want to sleep with you. Good way to keep your ego floating high, relationships can be draining sometime. But if I'm involved with a person I truly love, I'm willing to sacrifice not cheating. I wouldn't want to break someone's heart, because I wouldn't want that done to me.

 

I was the "other guy" when I was a lot younger till I got hurt, if I could turn back time I would walk away from a lot of situations but they always seemed to turn to me.

I was that guy that gave them a little attention and said the right words because I really didn't have a clue who I was and I was so insecure about me. It gave me control.

For years I looked at other woman as "can I get her" but now after spending time alone I have found that I had to fix me in order to "fix me"

I would never cheat again and I do look at woman but I look to admire their body.

The most beautiful woman is the same as the ugly woman, you turn out the lights and it's all the same. We are all the same so fix what you got instead of trying with something new...that is the same.

I would never stay in a relationship like the old ones.

 

Monkjr....not sure I am sure I follow your logic. It sounds like you are saying all people who cheat should be eradicated from our species (i.e. killed). Don't think you put much thought into the eradication part. You are talking about wiping out probably half our human population (in the U.S. anyways) based on humans doing what comes natural to them. I would argue that one of the main reasons you don't cheat is because your morals/values/beliefs has taught you that this is unacceptable. Let us now discuss the foundation of your morals/values/beliefs. If you are in the U.S., this has been heavily influenced by an interpretation of Judeo/Christian principles.

 

I get it that serial cheaters are viewed as pigs, scumbags, and any other derogatory term we label them. It is interesting to note that the ones slinging these derogatory terms are the ones that are not part of the serial cheating sect. Humans are pretty predictable when it comes to judging and looking down upon those that are different. Serial cheaters share a common bond with "in the closet" homosexuals. Generally they are not accepted by and they are riduculed for their perversion. They are blamed for every STD known to man. So what do they do, they hide themselves, pretend to conform. You say you don't get it but try this out. Imagine the entire world is for poly-relationships and against monogamous ones. The mono people are ridiculed and ostracized. The entire social and governmental construct is pro-poly. You are your same person drumminmama...what do you do?

 

op-...sounds like you would love to blame society?

but alas it cant be so

you just like the other pos cheating scumbags....both men and women i might add....that have a warped sense of good and bad

i have news for you....if its you that is cheating then its you that ''got old'' to the other partner....not the other way around....clearly she is doesnt love you enough to provoke honesty out of you?

 

ROLLINGALONG, it is great that you provided some one line zingers and thank you for your thought provoking response.

intellectually looking at societal norms and correlating subsequent behavior doesn't fit my definition of "blame". I cheat because I am selfish. I love myself more than I love anyone else. Sure I say with my mouth I love my daughter more than myself but my actions don't back up that statement. There is no finger pointing in my argument. What we can do is assess why and how some of the outcasts of society have been convinced (out of fear of rejection) to live a lie.

I never stated getting "old" was one-sided. Getting old or being "non-new" is spread equally across gender lines.

Equating love and honesty is textbook and I applaud you for staying with the norm. I urge you to push those pre-taught boundaries. Dishonesty with regards to this subject is more about preservation. Preserving an important family construct to raise a child together, build shared wealth, and stay with the one you love despite their and your flaws. I would argue I have made quite the sacrifice. Forsaken my own personal physical needs/desires for the greater good of the family. Sure the most noblest of all (according to conventional wisdom) would be to make this sacrifice and suffer through not being satisfied. Alas, I have chosen an alternate path. I am on a quest to have balance. Maybe one day when I arrive at your most pretentious state, we can both smile and look down upon those who have still yet to arrive!

 

Lack of character....check, Being wrong for pretending to be someone your not...check. At first glance, I was poised to argue against the insecurity statement. But when thinking about the definition of insecure I have to say....Check.

When a women is insecure about how she looks, like a certain body part. She covers it up. When a man is insecure about his penis size, he hides it. When a non-monogamous person is ashamed or insecure about their feelings, they hide it. So yes, people who have secret non-monogamous relationships have a sense of shame and they want to hide that part of their life from the world. The more important reason for all of these examples is about what/why these people are insecure. If everyone celebrated a woman's flabby pooch area...poof there goes the insecurity. If everyone celebrated the 4 inch cock as the desired trait...poof there goes the insecurity. If everyone celebrated non-monogamy as the accepted standard...poof there goes the insecurity.

 

Ill bet when you cheat, your brain lights up on an MRI machine like youre on drugs..

 

Thank you for your thought-provoking addition to the discussion. Since I am human, I would claim that yes my brain and neuron response would fit the pattern for a human brain reaction towards dopamine, oxytocin and the such. I would also add that (assuming you are human) your brain would respond to similar stimulation.

 

STD stands for sexually transmitted disease, not person who cheats.

 

Anybody can get tested, at any time.

My husband and I exchanged test results with our other couple.