When your worst fears come true

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by gEo_tehaD_returns, Dec 18, 2007.

  1. gEo_tehaD_returns

    gEo_tehaD_returns Senior Member

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    I've bitched a lot on this forum in the past, mostly complaining about my inability to get girlfriend or sex or whatever. I guess I'm sort of doing the same thing now, but my situation is a lot darker.

    I don't know if anyone remembers, but I've mentioned a few times in the past that I was 18, 19, 20, and still hadn't had sex or a girlfriend. I had this belief that if I achieved one of the two I would no longer have this social anxiety and would be able to communicate with girls without trouble.

    Last summer I lost my virginity. I never had to do anything; a girl I SORT OF knew at a party just invited me out of the blue to spend the night at her place. When it was done I felt amazing, like I'd dropped this huge weight I had been carrying around my entire life. I thought "well, here's proof that I can get intimate with a girl."

    Six months later I haven't had any kind of experience with a woman at all. Not sex, not dates, not holding hands, not talking, nothing. There have been a number of girls who worked at the same place I did (a university food court) and who were at least attracted to me physically (and in no other way as will become apparent). They made some small attempts to talk to me, and made eye contact with me frequently and such. I responded by being a silent, bumbling idiot as usual, speaking as though I have a studder and maybe some other speech impediments (and maybe I do, but they only come out when I talk to girls or an audience). I would answer most questions with "yes" or "no" and not ask any of my own.

    when I talk to a girl (or anyone I'm nervous around for that matter, but its 100x worse with girls), its like the subconcious process that supplies the words for conversation shuts down completely. What I'm describing now is probably not something that a person who doesn't have social problems could understand, but I'll try to explain anyway. When we converse (with confidence), we don't have to think about it. Our minds supply the words that communicate what we want to say (and, for that matter, the ideas we are trying to get accross themselves) without conscious effort. When you converse casually with a friend, there is very little thinking involved.

    When I talk to girls, this process shuts down entirely. Its like I'm left to consciously try and construct every word of every sentence. Naturally, I come off looking like an idiot most of the time, or like I'm cold and unfriendly or dont' like the person with whom I'm having a "conversation." I have gone into situations where i am going to talk to a girl with complete confidence, telling myself that the problems are in my mind and I just have to force myself to talk. Turned out that wasn't true, because even when I'm not particularly nervous, if I'm talking to a girl, the subconscious "conversation mechanism" shuts down and I'm left a bumbling idiot.

    Naturally, all of these girls that were initially attracted to me lost interest quickly and either stopped talking to me entirely or only talk occasionally so as not to seem rude.

    I used to blame other people for this problem. I'd put the blame on everyone but myself. Girls were "all the same" and wanted a guy with money, social standing, and a nice car. I told myself because I didn't have these things, because I wasn't an asshole, that women were ignoring me. In the last six months I realized that I was ignoring the girls, much as I would have liked to do the opposite.

    It seems my brain is programmed to keep me single. I don't know what it is. sometimes I wonder if I have some obscure kind of mental retardation that affects the social parts of my brain? I haven't met a single person with social problems so horribly severe as mine. Wherever I've worked I'm always that strange quiet guy - nobody is threatened by me or anything, but they certainly aren't interested in being my friend. When sombebody I don't know tries to start a conversation with me at work, I usually shut them down completely, without any intention of doing so. Not that I tell them to fuck off, or that they are boring. I just say "oh yeah, wow" and continue to stare ahead as always, not because i'm trying to give him a hint but because I sincerely can't think of what else I should do. I come off as rude and as an asshole when I'm really not at all.

    So now I'm in a pretty terrible position. A couple months ago I thought I had just given into the idea that I was going to live an entirely single life until I died. It wasn't so bad, I thought - without responsibilities for a girlfriend/wife or kids, I can do whatever I want. Problem is I'm realizing now that what I want more than anything else is to hold a girl in my arms. I don't even have any friends that are female - sure, there are girls on my facebook friends lists and such, but I don't really know them or takl to them beyond a superficial necessity to live up to social standards. But why do I bother since I can't even do that anyway? Everything else in life is losing significance. Drugs were a nice diversion for awhile but anymore they just leave me feeling empty. You'd think maybe quitting would help, but no, not in the slightest. Everything in life that used to bring me pleasure is just boring and pointless now. Every moment feels like drudgery, and the only relief (besides death of course) is something I can't ever have.

    I've heard all the optimistic advice - just keep working at it, plenty of fish in the sea, you'll change eventually, etc, etc. but for the first time I can really see that its not true. I can see myself, my tendencies and characterstics, and they are such that I really don't think I'm capable of getting into (and maintaining for that matter) a relationship. What do I do? The one thing I want from life is unattainable. I am pathetic. Time and time again I've had opportunities to have a girlfriend, or at least a friend that is female, and I've fucked it up every goddamn time. None of those girls would tell you taht I was an asshole, or a bad person. They'd probably say I was boring and weird (and in some cases creepy since that attribute often gets tacked onto anybody who is quiet).

    And it's nobody's fault but my own. That's the worst part.
     
  2. Musikero

    Musikero Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    The bad news is yes, it is your fault. The good news is, it is your fault!
     
  3. His Eden

    His Eden Queen of Mean

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    Maybe if you stop worrying about relationships for a while you won't sabotage yourself or a relationship. You're young, don't stress so much on the long term and live for the moment. Go out on dates, have fun, and stop worrying about the next step. Stressing over a situation seldom helps, and just leaves you stressed out.

    Yeah, it sucks, but you pretty much have two choices 1.) go with the flow and see what happens, or 2.) be depressed and bitter because life isnt what you think it needs to be. I suggest go with the flow, it just might take you interesting places.

    Enjoy the journey.....
     
  4. Predacious

    Predacious Member

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    One thing that i've found is that body language is a dandy filler for words. If you hold yourself so that you look interested in the conversation, you can buy yourself some time to think of a real sentence. A smattering of eye contact can also help you get through pleasentries without coming off as creepy.
    Also, don't think too much. I know that sounds weird and all, but lately i've found that forgetting simple things (snow is cold, water is wet, forgetting how to spell out my full first name) seems to put me in situations where i end up laughing or happy or just in a good mood. Since I stopped overthinking, my grades have gotten better, ive been happier, and ive been moving away from the 'life is shit' mentality. Give it a try, have fun, goof off with your friends, and all that jazz.
     
  5. audiovisions

    audiovisions Member

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    If you are afraid to talk to a girl, that shows lack of confidence which will lead to many lonely nights.

    Solution- Take up online dating, that way you can speak to them initally in a safe enviornment so you don't feel so on the spot, and when you do meet them you have some conversation material.

    Its also not necessarily what you say, but the way you say it that counts.

    Really, its just all in your head, you are overanalyzing it and too worried about what to say/do. Just need to relax and let the words come naturally, and eventually it will once you gain your confidence. Being witty and funny helps a TON!!

    I think a lot of guys go through this, I know I did. It gets easier with time.
     
  6. Allonym

    Allonym cheesecake slut

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    like ^^ said, try the net. you type shit out at first. and, if you feel comfortable enough, you can let them know you tend to get nervous around girls you find attractrive so you might stubmle with your words a bit

    alternatively, you may want to consider seeing a therapist or counsellor or somesuch to see what they suggest to overcome this fear/insecurity/frustration
     
  7. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Free

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    It might have nothing to do with girls. You said it happens with any person you're nervous around. That thing you were talking about where the words don't come... man, I can type forever on here... but stand me in front of somebody and I can't think for shit to talk.

    It happens. And I don't think it's necessarily your fault. Some of you guys don't understand because you've never experienced it. But basically you're standing there and you can't access your thoughts like normal. You have to fish around for every word and it takes forever so you end up blurting some dumb shit.
     
  8. eddiedavis_1974

    eddiedavis_1974 Members

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    go see a sexual surrogate. yes, that is a real thing. i hear it's not cheap, but what do you expect.. pussy never is! if you cant afford that go to a therapist, combined with group therapy. you need some confidence. you could have a few cocktails before you meet up with the ladies but that could make things even worse, so scratch the heavy drinking idea.

    you need to get out and be around females you wouldn't mind giving the salami. you will get past this, just don't marry the first chick that comes along with a friendly vagina. go to church.

    two valuable pieces of info
    1. all good pussy has at least a little crazy attached to it. if that deosnt make sense right now, dont worry, it will later
    2. pussy is like pizza, even when its bad.. its still good
     

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