When partners need to compromise...

In short, my partner has some communication issues that just drive me insane. My question lies in whether or not people can change for the sake of an ALMOST perfect relationship. Feel free to skip to the last paragraph if you don't want to read my story behind the question.

His backstory: We've been friends for nine months and started dating three months ago, and I've learned that he has a complete aversion to anything that could be perceived as "confrontation". He's had some bad relationships in the past during which, and I quote "If there was a disagreement they would just win and then go sleep with someone else." I do believe there's some form of "mental training" that occurred, these relationships being the only kind he's been in before me. It's what he knows. What I know is that communication is the MOST important thing.

Our only issue: Over the course of this three months we've had four disagreements. I'm passionate, when discussing something I'll express myself and ask SO MANY questions, which has always been normal for me. I like knowing and debating things. But whenever I'm contradicting things he says (my own opinion, you know) it'll very quickly reach a point where he shuts down completely - "Nevermind, you're right." And then I can't talk after that, he maintains that his opinion doesn't matter because I'm always right. Dream guy, right? But this makes me feel like MY thoughts aren't worth hearing. I've discussed this with him, I've made it clear that I'll try to spend more time listening, admittedly I can get a bit carried away, but I also said that when he shuts down like that I won't be happy again until we've talked about it. (Not a guilt trip, when people shut down my anxiety kicks in and I can't breath properly until it's resolved.)

The thing is: I don't want him to have to change for me, but I know that unless we can work this out it'll be a constant problem, and I do love him for everything else, he's the most amazing man. Which is why I'm willing, anxiety permitting, to give him as much leeway as I can on this.

Phew, okay, so that's my story. Now, I know that compromises are a part of any strong relationship, but when just one or two deep seated personality quirks are incompatible, does anyone here believe that either person should have to change them? Has anyone done this before? Was it worth it?

 

not a dream - I am autistic (high function = aspergers) and I shut down if arguments happen, if there are too many in a relationship - I leave, I hate arguing.


no one should have to change who they are to fit a partner, period. Compromises are needed yes, but I won't change who I really am, accept me as I am or we don't get along. In my most successful relationship we talked about everything and came to agreements. The worst one was where she would just beat me to make me do her will.

 

If there is something you can say that will make him see that you care,,, that might help.
BF has had a couple bad relationships too, one who dropped everything instantly because she didn't want it anyway and the other who did drugs and was difficult. He admits he is used to either having his own way about thoughts or dumping it to make the other happy.
Sally don't play that way. If he does try to do the You're right thing I say something and it eventually gets resolved by talking more. And if he thinks he is right just because, we still talk about it even tho he finds it difficult. Waiting and thinking it through for a different approach might be helpful too, he gets to think it out as well.
BF is willing to make this work because he knows I am and he loves me, and his friends and family care as well and are glad he met someone he cares about. We do have a few arguments but they resolve quicker now then they did before. I don't have to be right but when I know I am I will stand my ground but I won't take, you're right, nor will I fling it at him. We are both strong headed and now where one doesn't believe or agree with the other we tend to make bets, right now I owe him five bucks, dammit.
You do have an issue and there could be a way to solve it, ours is bets but on the strong items like sex and life together we have gone all over that so it's looking good there. So far, something could come up but we agreed to work things out and not shut down. That is the worst because it isn't resolved and one gets hurt when another shuts down. Lots of talk and finding ways to come to a conclusion, sometimes its about agreeing to disagree on a matter but go past it, changing one is nearly impossible. But getting them to understand you care might work, eventually.
Good luck.

 

@RandomVegan

I was making a joke about agreeable men haha. "Yes dear" and whatnot. Stereotypes, yay.

One of my big exes had Autism, actually, but I didn't know. I don't think he knew either. He completely hid his true self behind masterful deflection, my own naivety and, closer to the end, being a dick hah. Not implying anything, of course, he handled it terribly. But that's yet another reason that I struggle when communication is even slightly restricted.

I definitely believe in talking about everything. I simply don't understand how a relationship can work if you can't be exactly who you are and work through the annoyances as a team. I think the problem with closed off people is that if there are minor annoyances that should be talked about, they just aren't. It's the ONE issue that can potentially spawn a bunch of other, unnecessary issues.

 

@SallySmart

Sounds like you've worked together on a very similar issue to mine with good results, happy for you there! And thankyou. I do think my partner knows that whilst I may be the most annoying girlfriend he's ever had, that's only because I refuse to leave him all alone and go annoy other men until I need something from him, like all the others did. That's gotta be a plus, I guess. x)

 

Perhaps see a therapist about communication issues? OR try writing to each other? Email or notes? That way you can keep it focused on the issue without bringing in outside emotion (changes in voice or facial expressions). And you can both stick to the issue at hand. Regardless, when things are getting too heated, perhaps you need to both step back and take a breather. Communication is important and you both need to be able to communicate with each other.