When all of the apprehension disappeared

Before doing it, I had all sorts of apprehensions about what might happen and how my wife would feel about it.
I was keeping a promise that I would try it sometime if she were to try a bi experience first. She did and I put it off for years, until push came to shove and then It happened. When I tried it the first time, my wife wasn't involved other than knowing it was going to happen. I was totally open with my details after the first time, but she wanted to watch the second time. That really gave me apprehension, until I finally did it .
After our friend left, we talked about it . She was really excited that I kept up my end of our bargain and told me, in detail, what she enjoyed about it, or didn't enjoy. She told me that she enjoyed everything about it, especially the fact that I got past all my apprehesion about doing it. I could have gone terribly the other way, but her encouragement and shear look of thrilling pleasure was enough to convince me other wise. It was like a giant load was lifted from me. For me, the thrill was not only doing for my benefit, it was for her too. I'll always remember her watching intently as I took his cock into my lips.
That was the defining moment of truth.
How did it happen for you?

 

First my girlfriend rented a video with two guys and a woman, what happened after the guys pleasured the woman was of course the big event.
We talked about it and I was clearly nervous and uncomfortable but she persisted and eventually asked about a threesome with a guy. We had a few with women previously.
I felt extraordinary apprehensive buy also turned on, it was the lure of the unexplored.
From the moment his rather large penis sprang from his pants I could hardly take my eyes off it. This wasn't a video this was real.
As he and I played with my girlfriend I couldn't help but realize that in a few minutes that penis was going to be in my hand, and mine in his hand.
Would I go so far as to put it in my mouth, would I have his semen in my mouth and on my face before the night was over?
My girlfriend had stopped the video after the oral scene, but I knew it had probably gone on further. Would I go further? As it turned out, I did.

 

I went with a bi friend to visit a cock sucking older guy. My friend was on his back with the older guy kneeling over him being sucked off. There was my friends nice veiny 5 inch cock right in front of me. Apprehension for a moment then here goes. I slipped my mouth over his cock and sucked him. He moaned while he was busy sucking off the old guy, and I was hooked. it was a feeling of, 'finally, I'm doing it and I'm liking it.' Swapping around, stiff cocks and plenty of come for what must have been hours. The old guy got to swallow all of the come though.

 

Ive only swallowed 2 times out of many bjs, for the experience. I would usually let the cum just fall out of my mouth as I continued to suck and stroke out the last drops of cum. I do, however,enjoy eating up every drop of my own cum

 

I have done some deep self analysis and come to realize that over the last 30 years of sex with guys (I'm now 61), much of my apprehension was actually seated in deep internalized homophobia, preventing me from seeing, let alone accepting, the gay side of myself, and what I now realize is really my homosexuality, and not really bisexuality.

In the first 20 years of cocksucking, I always went to these different gay sex venues like bathhouses, after lots of masturbation to gay porn and fantasies, with desire to do everything with a guy (cocksucking, rimming, fucking, kissing) but almost always losing that desire whenever I was naked with a real guy. But I still went through the motions of giving him really good head, and even becoming very good at deepthroating, for HIS pleasure. But back at home all the gay desires and enjoying gay porn came back.

This real life, in your face, "apprehension" really left me confused. Out of 200+ guys, I only kept my desire for half a dozen maybe. But jerking off to gay porn and gay fantasies was almost a daily constant at home. But when I finally spontaneously had overwhelming, powerful desire for this one guy's ass--a 22-year old twink--in a bathhouse in Berlin, an ocean away from the publicly straight world I lived back in Canada, who I ended up tonguefucking like a starving man for an hour before inserting my cock and fucking him (my first man), I finally felt in touch with that gay side of myself, and not only accepting it, but loving it. I pretty much stopped all anonymous sex and just started hooking up with local guys in each other's homes ever since, and loving that greater gay intimacy.

I've been peeling away more and more deeper levels of internalized homophobia ever since, and now, 10 years after fucking that perfect boy, can finally accept that I am a gay man, one but not only loves everything about a guy's entire body, but has even fallen in love with a guy a couple of times (unrequited unfortunately).

 

I've heard a guy say, "Fuck it..." and whatever he was apprehensive about just got kicked to the curb; I've seen that apprehension "win the battle" and force a guy into not acting at all. As an aside, I'm still waiting for someone to explain "internalized homophobia" to me because everything I've ever read about it... doesn't make sense and no more than internalized biphobia does. If this is what is making someone apprehensive, it's fearing what other people are going to say about them because they have the nerve to not be straight and like they're supposed to and now they've instilled some self-loathing into themselves. I have heard way too many guys pull this card out whenever they're dealing with that conflict between religious and social norms and this incredible desire and urge they have to get some dick and here's the thing: If you're afraid of it, how can you do it?

A guy gives me an incredible blowjob and during the break, tells me that he has internalized biphobia because he loves to suck cock but he knows he's not supposed to and I say that if it's true that he's not supposed to - and he's got this phobia - um, I'd hate to find out how good the head would be when he ditches this stupid fear that those who are against male bisexuality has foisted on us. Social and religious norms teaches us to be homophobic and it instills a great deal of fear and apprehension inside of us and more so when... uh, oh - I like girls... but I like boys, too! And, again, if you're afraid of it, how can you do it? And once you do it, how can you stay afraid of it?

Which thing is the right thing? The imagined and/or supplied homo- biphobia... or the feelings within you that you know are the truth? The apprehension is real because the conflict is real... but it's not homo- or biphobia and if you have ever, in your life, met a true homophobe? You'd know the difference. It's normal to feel that apprehension and for a lot of reasons; some legit, some are imagined, and some have been given to us as men by those who would prefer that we stay straight. Now it's a matter if you can resolve this so that you can do what you know you want to do: Be intimate with a man.

And if you truly believe you're afflicted with this phobia, please seek professional help and I'm serious because left untreated/unaddressed, this can fuck with your head in ways you'll wish it didn't...