What would you do?

I didnt want to edit the last in case you were already responding to it.

In case you didnt notice this issue really gets me going...

In any relationship, it is the people involved in it that are the ones responsible for it. It isn't the responsibility of the rest of the world to make sure they honor each other. It is up to them...

If one of the people in a relationship decide to act outside the boundaries of the relationship, it is their decision, and their responsibility, and everything that comes from that, is theirs...

The ex was dying, and wanted to get laid. There is nothing wrong with him asking. He didn't make any promises to anyone that would interfere with it.

Put the blame for cheating where it belongs, on the person who made the vows and then broke them.

 

ChronicTom, you are 100% right. And if you read back through the 5 pages of this thread you'll see that we already established all the points you touched on, and she realizes and accepts what she did. But the bottom line is she believes that the fact that the person in question was dying, somehow changes everything. Whether we agree with this or not, doesn't really make much of a difference. So I think we can all put this topic to rest and move on.

 

Thats nice, only my first post was in regards to her questions, the others were in response to moondoggy's replies.

 

Establishing boundaries for other people turns me into their jailer and that much effort impinges on my freedom.

 

To Musikero,

Thank you for your post and understanding.

What I think some of the people who responded to this conversation fail to grasp is that I was NOT looking for advice, nor judgements. The only thing I asked is what would they do if given the same situation. No more, no less.

But anyway, many of us have weighed in on why we would or would not do this, and have gotten a very good conversation going. It wasn't an easy question, and I should not have been surprised at the strong opinions it elicited. But I admit I am surprised at how upset some people have become. Life isn't easy sometimes, and down the road most of us will be tested and will do the best they can given what is thrown at them.

SPP

 

You wrote,"Maybe I missed the post where this part was discussed.

How would you feel if the situation was reversed... as in, your hubby told you tomorrow that a couple of years back he slept with an ex of his. The reasons he did, don't matter in the slightest except to him (as in he thought he was doing the right thing, regardless of what you think of it).Yes, you did miss this, and yes it was addressed already.

Would the fact that he cheated on you, then lied to you for years (or at the least didn't tell you the truth) bother you? I never lied to my husband. He never knew about this.No because I would not have know. Even if I had known, no it would not have bothered me because I know that many people have more than one person that comes in their life that they love.

I know from my perspective, if my wife came to me and explained what was going on and was open and up front about it before it happened, it wouldn't bother me a lot. I couldn't see bringing it up when it would never happen again. Why cause pain to one person I love, by bringing love to someone else I loved?

However, her doing it behind my back, and then lying Never lied, never told.(or just not telling me the truth) about it would instantly and irrevocably end the marriage." Of course. But again, Why cause my husband who I love pain, when the man who I also loved would soon be dead? There was no ongoing relationship to be had. And if he had gone into remission (unheard of for his form of brain cancer) it would NOT have happened again.

SPP

 

You wrote,

"I should think that if you married your husband, he would be someone who understands you, and would accept your choice to handle the situation. Yes, he would understand. And thank YOU for bringing this up. I just didn't want him to have to think about it, as it might have hurt him.

If I were your husband, I would be slightly distressed, but I would understand the position you where in and probably deal with it and move on. (If I where to know. and on that note, do you think he would have never imagined this could happen, knowing you went to see your old very close boyfriend for the last time before he died?He did NOT know I went to see him. And most likely if he did know he would have known this was a distinct possibility.)

I would, however, want to know as soon as you returned. Waiting would certainly hurt much much much more." Of course. Had he known I was going to see him, I would have told him right away. But again, I wanted to spare his feelings.

SPP

 

To Dancing till dawn,

You asked,

"have you asked people for advice because you are feeling like you should tell him?I haven't asked for advice, but people were nice enough to give me some. I only asked what they would do given this same situation. No I am not feeling like I should tell him.

Will you carry this secret to your grave? Yes.. or will the time come for the truth?" No. I don't see the need for the truth. I don't think I will change my mind about this, even on my "deathbed." It serves no purpose that I can see. It would turn something that I did out of love for one man into sadness for the other man I love.

 

To Moondoggy, and Chronic Tom,

Hi Moondoggy,

You wrote, "If you're looking for total honesty and loyalty in life, forget humans, get a dog. People are by nature selfish and self serving as evidenced by the fact that your old boyfriend wasn't concerned that he may be contributing to the break up of a marriage[/B]Wow, I never thought of it like that.[/B] that may or may not have children involved."No, No children at the time. I had one child 2 1/2 years later.

Chronic Tom,

You wrote, ''Why would her old boyfriend worry about her marriage? He didn't make any vows." Actually C.T. he did. He was married also.''

But you see, these are "sidebars", making the question,"what would you do?" more convoluted than it has to be. I only asked a question.

 

To Chronic Tom, and thedope

Hi again Chronic Tom,

You wrote,

"If one of the people in a relationship decide to act outside the boundaries of the relationship, it is their decision, and their responsibility, and everything that comes from that, is theirs...Yes, I agree with you, all actions do have consequences.

The ex was dying, and wanted to get laid. It was deeper than "Just wanting to get laid," but I catch your drift.There is nothing wrong with him asking.I don't look at it as a "right" or "wrong" for asking. It was what it was. A chance to make love and say goodbye in the closest way a man and woman can.He didn't make any promises to anyone that would interfere with it. Yes, please see above post. He was married also.

Put the blame for cheating where it belongs, on the person who made the vows and then broke them."Yes, we both were to blame.

Hi thedope,

Thank you for what you wrote. I hope your name, "the dope" means the truth. Because what you wrote proves you are no dope! I would call you, "the wise." =-)

Your wrote, "Establishing boundaries for other people turns me into their jailer and that much effort impinges on my freedom." Beautifully stated. Thank you.

SPP

 

Well, I'm happy for you that you believe that ignorance is bliss.

 

I just want to let it be known that I was never upset. I was simply debating an issue with you.