What was the hardest part of being gay for you?

Besides having some serious hang ups about coming out fully and living my life as a lesbian, the hardest part for me was telling my fiance. This wonderful, patient, caring, loving man who has taken care of me and has been nothing but good to me and now I am going to break his heart.

Odd though it may seem, we agreed to stay together as a monogamous hetero couple. This man is my best friend and he was very upfront and told me that he wants no other woman to have his children. Overly romantic, perhaps. Will we eventually end our relationship when I finally get over all of my issues about being a lesbian in a heterocentric world? most likely. but until then, it will stay the way it is.

So I guess (after that rambling back story) that the hardest part of being gay for me is the gay part. The diffrent-ness of it. The fact that I will never be able to have a "normal" life, or express intrest in someone of the same sex without being judged negativly. I have come to terms with being a lesbian, but I am still pretty damn deep in the closet.

 

I think the hardest is not knowing what the term gay means to different people around you. Even though I had a positive experience when I came out and was supported by all of my family... I still find it very difficult to say "I'm gay". It sounds strange to me. But I accept myself as gay and nobody I know has a problem with it. But sometimes I'm afraid of someone judging me because their idea of gay is different from mine. To me all it means is one thing, nothing more. But to some people it means a lot more than just being romantically attracted to the same sex. On the one hand I want everyone who is gay to be open so that I don't feel so alone but on the other hand I wish people would just be open to any possibility and accept same sex relationships as completely normal, so normal that anyone could have a same-sex relationship.
I think for me, personally, right now the hardest thing is that I don't have any gay friends and I don't have anyone I can comfortably talk with about being gay and gay issues. I can talk to my supportive friends but they don't always understand what I'm talking about. Even though I'm accepted by everyone I know, I still often feel like I'm the only person who feels this way. I guess I'm just lonely. I wouldn't want to be straight, though, because I like who I am and who would really want to be different from who they really are deep down? Nobody.

 

One main reason why it's hard for me is because I live in a totally redneck town where they stone people for being different.