What to not tell the cops

Is your face turning in circles? Or has the acid just kicked in?

 

"Yeah I know I drifted into the other lane for a moment bakc there. Sorry about that. I was loading my gun".

 

Can we go back and get that bag I threw out? That was some good shit.

 

*cop walks up.
you sit leaning towards the stearring wheel making "VRRRRROOOOMMMM VVVRRRROOOMMMM" noises*

Cop:"sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

you:" VVVRRROOOMMMMM VRRRROOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!"

Cop:"Sir"?

You: "VVVRROOOOOMMMM VVVVRRRROOOOMMMM!!!!!!"
*notices cop. Spins stearring wheel away from him. Makes tire screeching noises*
"SSSKKKKEEERRRRRREEEEEEETCCH!!!!!!!!
VVVRRRROOOOOOMMMMM VVVRRRROOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!"
*pretends to pull over. Looks at cop* :
"PHEW!!! That was close!! He almost got us huh!?"

 

Your face is all sweaty officer, how was that meth I heard you confiscated from the last person you stopped?
~ Turn up the scanner on the police band width......~

 

I didn't know the Texaco man had in flight fueling, where are your pumps?

 

* hand him the furry handcuffs hangin from the rearview and say *
"I met your wife in town and she looks mean enough to bite the heads off snakes, but we both know whose boss in bed, right?"

then add

Do these 427 corvettes use regular gas, I only have 2.86 left from my lawn mowin job.

 

"No actually, I wasn't paying attention to how fast I was going. I thought that's what we pay you for".

 

tell him..
" You really don't want to put me in jail, they'll just learn how to be a better criminal from me. ON the second thought, yeah let's go, I've always wanted to learn how to batch up meth. Does the guy I stole this car from have to pay impound fees? "

 

Do you wear your wifes panties?, I jus got a whiff of foo-foo.

 

cop: "have any idea what you did wrong back there?"

you: "that all depends on how long you were following me."

***

 

I had to drive on that low tire officer, the terrorist I stole the car from said the spare in the trunk is solid plastic explosive and painted to look just like a tire. He has the denotation button and is following me, when he gets into range were both goners, so how bout you let me haul ass outta here and lose him?
Yeah, he's driving a white car......

 

Cop: "Do you know how fast you were going, son"

Dude: "Shit happens, Dad."

 

I was driving in the middle of the road in case a deer jumped out in front of me. You're a moron if you drive along the edge in this stretch of deserted hiway.

 

Officer, yes we were under a blanket with a flashlight in farmer Smolts cow pasture. We didn't want to bother him, but we had to have spore samples off cow plop in biology class tommorrow to check for mad cow disease and other stuff. We were so busy today doing volunteer work at the retirement home and we forgot to ask his permission. And we didn't want to bother him so late. I have no idea why he screamed aliens and blasted off his shotgun. Maybe we should go back and explain that we aren't aliens.

 

ahahhha yall are so fucking great

 

Things not to say to police officers 101:

First rule: Do not address the officer as a "****"

 

or toots. especially if it's a guy.

 

or twat, especially if it is a woman.

 

Can i shit on you?