What to do if the shit hits the fan.

i'm afraid to go outside....i can't deal with the unknown ...must...have...lifesaving..........directions......oh jesus why hav you left us in our hour of need? deserted us, left us to burn/morph/rot/infect with zombie bug? oh great prophet, please have mercy on our feeble selves...i have run out of eggs and i cant go outside.....ooo while your out there can you pick me up some raspberry jelly and soya ice cream?great! we wait with bated breath.....

 

MY advice is, If the shit does hit the fam, duck to the ground as quick as possible in a roll position and try save ur face from shit splatter...

 

...clever?...

 

i love this thread, ive been following it, then i stopped, and now im back and there is still nothing.

 

JWAM your survival guides rock! I'm going to make a tinfoil protective cap now. When I'm old enough I'll make sure to stock up on weapons (I hope the attack doesn't happen before then.). I'm also going to make sure I have a secure hide out if and when the zombies come (fully stocked with canned foods and water). The world needs more of your guidance and wisdom.

Peace,
BTG

 

you make me want to stab my foot with a combat knife covered in piss.

 

dude, jwam you are one of the funnies dudes ever man, thanks for the laughs, it was worth the wait

 

You gotta make one on how to survive the next Ice Age, or what to do if total anarchy and riots erupt everywhere across the world.

 

i dont even care what the next one is about, just as long as there is a next one!!

 

Yes my life is depending on the next one, so pleeeeeeease make one, they are great!

 

I felt my siggy had to make an appearance......

 

I hope we get one long before 2006!

 

Jesus, you are a funny, funny man.
Kudos to you.

 

Hehehe. I guess you don't get sarcasm. Seriously though, I think that JWAM is very creative. Some of his ideas are pretty crazy, but they're funny as hell.

 

If anyone wants to do a search, "Duck and Cover" is available for download in the Internet Archive. Just FYI. Totally worth it!!!

 

I need the next one if I am to venture out into the great abyss

 

what i would do if the shit hits the fan: simply duck and cover...and maybe go to sleep, cuz nothing bad ever happens to you when you are asleep...

 

no, no, no... the best way to get out of any situation is to confront the person who's going to be screwing you over in a crowd, then very loudly angrily ask them if they're calling you fat. they'll run for the hills.

 

Fourth installment: Holy Apocalypse

GOD HATES YOU AND YOU MUST DIE!​

God hates you. It's a simple fact proven by the words in the Holy Bible. God hates you if you date the wrong people, God hates you when you do the wrong things, and god really hates you when you eat the wrong food. Have you ever eaten pork? Shellfish? Semen? Bread on the wrong day?

That means that God hates you and you must perish in the coming wrath of the Lord!

Hallelujia!

When the lord comes, there will be great and mighty trumpets! When the lord comes, there will be mighty quakes. When the lord comes, my brothers and sisters, all of those poor people who God hates will be left to rot as the Earth is destroyed in a series of terrible wars, plagues and smitings. And Jesus will come down, but he will not be the peacenick sissyboy like you read about, he will come down to earth with a gun in one hand, a gun in the other, and nine swords coming out of his mouth, and He will kick some serious ass.

As the 100 foot Jesus rampages acrost the earth, leaving crushed and burning cities in His wake, the seven riders of the apocalypse will be spreading their terror.

One rider will ride a white tank, and he will spread famine wherever he goes.

One rider will ride a red tank, and will spread war wherever he goes.

One rider will ride a black tank, and disease spreads wherever he goes.

It is writ:"And I hear a voice in the midst of the beasts say, 'A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny, and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.'" Which can only mean one thing, the international drug cartels are behind this one.

And behold, on the pale horse will ride death. Which will be quite bad. This of course, pisses most everyone stuck on earth off. To take their minds off of the horror of living in a world where there is absolutely no doubt that God hates you and wants you to die, mankind engages in it's oldest hobby, warfare. Bombs fall in Kansas City, Troops march through London, Japan starts dropping nukes left and right, and everything pretty much stays the same in the Middle East. This terrible global war will continue for the rest of human history, which makes it a fairly short war considering it's magnitude.

But don't think the Lord is done with you yet, because the plagues will come.

Jesus and the riders will be rampaging acrost the war-torn planet while surreal plagues of bloody oceans, locust swarms, and terrible boils make life miserable for pretty much everybody.

Then, when He feels that He has punished us enough, He will simply burn the planet and everything on it into a smoldering pile of lifeless ash, and everyone on it goes to hell to rot and burn for all eternity.

So what the fuck ae you supposed to do if God hates you and you must die?

Well, there are, apparently, a few loopholes.

The easiest thing is to just die now before all of that smiting business goes down. Just shoot yourself in the face and get it over with. Of course, this will just get you to hell faster, but at least you'll miss the nastiness on Earth and hey, what difference is a couple of years going to make to an eternity?

Of course, you could just try not to piss God off, but that can be pretty difficult. Especially considering that your ancient ancestors really pissed god off when they ate the wrong fruit, and God is not one to let go of a grudge.

And you can just forget about asking Jesus for help this time. He's armed to the teeth. Literally. He has nine swords coming out of his mouth. He does not look like he is in the mood for handing out blessings. While you are busy dying a horrible death, He will be busy spreading terror acrost Pittsburgh with two fists full of hot lead and a mouth full of swords. Very sharp swords.

Just face it, you're fucked. Kill yourself now and get it over with. Of course, that does mean that you have to miss out on the cool "It Gets It's Kicks on Route 666." tattoo on your forehead, but it's not really that great and is going to get really trendy in the next couple of years.

 

Ahaha, this is interesting.