What to do if the shit hits the fan.

lol... I shoulda taken a picture of my ammo collection and my shotgun belt. I'd go get it and take a pic, but it's not worth the effort of pulling it all outta the closet and everywhere else it's locked up. Let's just say I've got about 800 shells for each shotgun, well into the thousands range for the 9mm and the .40 cal pistols, and probably about the same for the .22 cal rifle. Those are just the guns in the pic tho...

In my defense, I would never harm anyone unless I was beyond sure that they intended to take my life or the life of another, and even then I would more than likely leave firearms out of it. Most of these are hunting weapons, but the two framed .357 pistols are heirlooms along with a 1911 Colt .45 and a .32 Colt snub nose that my great grandfather reposessed as evidence in a murder trial. (He was a judge in Atlanta.) Other guns not pictured are: .38 cal revolver, Italia Beretta Double-barrel .10 gauge (my pride and joy... silver engravings and handcrafted thru and thru... I traded my volvo for that!), .50 cal Browning sniper rifle, .50 cal muzzel loader, .357 magnum w/ nikon scope, .44 cal Colt. These are all shared between my dad and myself, but this is all I have as of right now. I keep these under lock and key and the ammo is also stored seperately under lock and key. There's nothing like leaving a firearm out for a criminal to steal and shoot you with when you come home to find him going thru your shit. I like to play with my toys, but I like to keep everyone else and myself safe more.

I refuse to go overseas and fight in this corporate war in Iraq, but the second either the "terrorists" or the corporations step foot on our turf, that's when you'll see what a real U.S. patriot is.

 

Cool. Can't wait for the alien one!

 

Third Installment: Alien Invasion

I SURVIVED THE ALIEN INVASION AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY IMPLANT​

Alien invasion. It has happened before, and it could happen again. The Earth has been invaded by hostile forces from other planets on two seperate occasions. The first time we were invaded was about 6000 years ago, evidence of this invasion has been documented all over the Earth in archaeology and ancient texts. The aliens who invaded us were the classic 'greys', who have been prevalent in pop culture since a scout ship crashed in Roswell in the 1940s. The most thorough account of this catastrophic worldwide event is in the ancient Hindu texts, according to those texts, when the invasion began the human race as we now know it did not exist, and the world was inhabited by a native advanced race that have become known as Gods. Almost all of the human race's ancient mythology comes from this period. Records have, of course, become vague over the millenia, but there are a few things that we know. The first thing we know is that the aliens actually altered the genetic material of the human race, they meant to create out of us a race of slaves, so they decreased our mental capacity, destroyed our capacity for telekinetic powers, and gave us warlike instincts, as it was their plan to use the human race as an army of warrior slaves to use in conquering other planets. Before they mutated us, we were the gods. We had vast intellects (the technology of 6000 years ago makes the 21'st century look like the stone age), incredible telekinetic powers (one true human could build a small pyramid in a weekend using only the powers of their mind) and our civilizations were vast and incredible. Ancient 'mythological' cities such as Atlantis and Shangri-La are just tiny examples of what we had accomplished.

Before the invasion we were powerful, yet peaceful creatures, then the aliens came. At first we welcomed them with open arms, we had never fought a war before and could not even grasp the concept. They took advantage of our naivety and rained death and destruction on the earth for years, they destroyed all of our great cities and all captured humans were mutated into the war-slaves that now rule this planet. For many years the true humans did not know how to deal with this invasion, we tried talking, reasoning, bargaining, bribing and pleading with the aliens, but it was to no avail. They simply laughed at our efforts and carried on with the slaughter. When they weren't blasting us with their advanced weapons, they would cruelly send armies of the mutant war slaves, who the humans would treat like bretheren. After about 100 years the original human race was reduced to about 1% of it's original population, the war-slaves occupied most of the planet and the aliens stayed up in orbit, laughing at our plight and their apparently inevitable victory. Some humans left the planet to colonise mars, hoping to escape the slaughter, but they were captured and mutated, and a colony of war slaves has inhabited the under-world of Mars ever since. The rest of the humans saw their doom at hand, and were very distrought, until one human had a plan that would change everything. This human's name has been lost in the dust of history, but some refer to him as Ralph. This human had witnessed the invasion of his home city in an area we now know as Mexico, and as he watched the aliens and the war-slaves slaughtering the city he had a brilliant idea, he would do as they were and fight back. The aliens had counted on our natural pacifism and thought us an easy target, but when Ralph used his vast telekinetic powers to wreck fleets of their ships and wipe out whole armies of the war slaves they were shocked. A few of his bretheren, all men, followed Ralph's example and fought along side him, they went to confront the aliens in orbit where they thought themselves safe, as they engaged the aliens in a massive orbital battle, the war-slaves managed to wipe out the rest of the humans still living on earth. The orbital battle lasted several weeks, but eventually the aliens were defeated, the few remaining ships fled for their home planet, wherever that was, and the humans returned to earth.

When they returned, the humans were devastated to see their world completely destroyed. There was not a single human female left on the planet and the race was doomed to extinction. The war-slaves, without orders from their creators, were calmer now. The remaining humans sought to teach their mutant bretheren to live in peace and build civilizations. They were worshipped as gods and were responsible for establishing the war-slaves as an independant race. Humans could breed with war-slaves, but their offspring, while possessing godlike powers, possessed inferior intellects and were always sterile. Despite their warlike tendencies, the slaves thrived, and they became what we now know as the human race. Unfortunately, while true humans live much longer than war-slaves, they were not immortal. About 2000 years ago the last true human passed away and now the gods are gone forever. The War-Slaves are the humans now.

Fast forward to October 30th 1938, our planet was invaded again, this time by the War-slaves who had colonized mars. Unfortunately for them, they had no immunity to the quickly evolving bacteria inhabiting our earth. After a few brief battles they succombed to our bacteria, and all evidence of the invasion was covered up by the government. The news broadcast which terrified the nation was declared a work of fiction and accepted as such by the populace. But that event is not the end of things.

The greys are back. It is believed the martian invasion was kicked off by the greys and ever since there have been hundreds of sightings. So far, they have only been scouting us out and testing our capabilities, but they will invade soon. Fortunately, in spite of our lack of the telekinetic powers which drove back the first invasion, we have a defence we did not have in the first invasion, warlike instincts. This time we will waste little time bargaining when they start destroying cities and rounding up herds of slaves, we will fight back.

Our technology is still very primitive compared to theirs, but it is still somewhat effective against them. While their ships have electrostasis shields which can deflect bullets, their troops have no such defence, and even the most fortified mothership can be damaged or destroyed by nuclear weapons.

Our best hope to driving them off will be our nuclear arsenals, if we can send our nukes into space we might have a chance to drive them off. In case of alien invasion you should immediately join the military, since without telekinesis government militaries are our only hope. The government will probably set up base in their many underground shelters left from the cold war and it is here that you can seek shelter and help to fend off those ET bastards.

The first thing you should do upon hearing of alien invasion is make a tin foil hat (to deflect the psitronic waves they engineered us, their war-slaves, to recieve orders with) and join the military. Any new-age dipshit you come acrost along the way who is trying to welcome the invaders should be shot, they will soon be used against the human race. Once you find a military base, ask to join, they will need as many troops as they can get and they will welcome you. Everything else is more or less up to the military, they have been intensely studying the aliens for over sixty years, they will know better than you what to do. If you have any useful skills at all let them know, aside from things like computer programmers, weapons experts, and so on, they will also need things like cooks and clerks to handle the logistics of such a massive shift in the nature of the world.

Now that you have found your way to the military it time to get your war on, don't worry, you were designed for war, you're good at it. Just remember to follow orders, and never trust anyone who isn't wearing a tin-foil hat. Kill those alien bastards, or they will kill you.

Fortunately, not all bad will come out of an alien invasion. The entire race will be united against a common foe, and war among humans will cease for a while. If the aliens are driven off, an era of peace unlike the world has seen for thousands of years will take place. Of course, we will still be war-slaves, and eventually you will once again have to worry about things like nuclear wars and zombie plagues.

Until next time, this is JWAM telling you how to keep your sorry ass alive.

 

Holy Shit! I think I'm gonna have to change pants here after seeing those guns and reading the conclusion to this epic survival guide!

 

What about when an asteroid hits?

or how to survive the next ice age?

Just some ideas for more, because I love these things!!!

 

Conclusion? Not quite

But thanks for the compliments!

 

keep'em comin jesus!!!!!

 

Jesus that Bullpulp is HOT! Where the hell did you get that from? haha....

 

Damn straight it is! It's a damn fine rifle. I got it from http://sportingarms.com/ for $520 (they had a special on it at the time due to overstock, their price now is $620). Their shop is only 20 miles from where I used to live in Texas so I just drove over to pick it up, but they will ship guns to you through any FFL dealer in the US. They're really nice folks, it's a family run business, and they have very reasonable prices, so I don't mind pimping their business every now and then

 

Man, your weapons rock! I dunno about the snub-nose so much, but I'll overlook that because that IS one fine rifle! I think I already know what I want for christmas....

 

what about a survival guide for when bill gates takes over the world and decides to purge all dual-boots and linux users

 

why would shit be attacted to fans anyway. isnt there a better way to get shit out in the open?

 

Kinda makes you wish the entire world started sharing knowledge freely without patent while we still have time to develope smarter technology. Then (if we have long) we live in world peace for a long time, but we teach young one's of the story like this just in case those mars bastards discover bio suite technology... you know becasue if they're a world ruled by one threat one group to create technology leave the planet and invade... then I think we're a bit behind the entire unified thing...

Or maybe it's just me.

 

Funny as the day is long. I salute your creative, socialogical and historical cocktail of How To's.

 

What's the next one gonna be about? Or is there a "next" yet?

 

I'm not sure yet, but I'm thinking about something along the lines of either 'Gaia Attacks' or 'Self-Aware Robots Take Over The World'.

 

that would be a fun scenario to believe in if we didnt know that there is no intelligent life on mars...

 

Please dont rain on our parade...

'Self-Aware Robots Take Over The World' sounds fun

 

well he got me all excited with all those theories then he said "life on Mars" and totally blew it.

 

Oh wow! I didn't know that you had totally explored every square mile of Mars, including the vast network of caverns around the trenches. Or do you just have access to a top-secret government program that has explored every single square mile of Mars?

I'm so glad that you know everything. You really need to tell NASA so that they stop wasting our tax money exploring Mars, because they still think it's possible that there could be life on Mars. Ha! Them and their silly scientific process. But I'm sure that you could talk some sense into them, being the all-knowing badass that you are.