What to do if the shit hits the fan.

In this thread, I will discuss survival strategies for seemingly unlikely end-of-the-world scenarios.

First installment: Nuclear Holocaust

HOW TO LIVE THROUGH THE NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST AND LIVE TO TELL YOUR DEFORMED KIDS ABOUT IT.
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Nuclear war. The world has feared it since 1945, and for good reason. Nothing can ruin your day quite like a bomb that can wipe out an entire city and leave deadly radiation for decades. But have no fear, I will tell you how to survive this radioactive nightmare.

Warning signs: I wouldn't count on a warning bulletin or an air-raid siren. Don't count on it, but if there is a warning, no matter what they say, if you live in a city DO NOT DRIVE YOUR CAR. Everyone in the city will be trying to escape, they will pay no attention to traffic laws, and car wrecks and gridlock will trap everyone foolish enough to get in their cars in the street where they will be most exposed to the bombs.

If there is a warning, get to the lowest, most protected place you can find as soon as possible. At least 100 miles from any urban area or military installation is the best place to be, they may have bombs going off-course, but they are unlikely to waste nuclear weapons to intentionally blow up a bunch of trees. Of course, you are where you are when the bomb hits, so unless you already live in the middle of nowhere, that isn't really a viable option. Your second best bet is a specially designed bomb shelter, but those may be few and far between, if there isn't a bomb sheter you could run to in a couple of minutes, you would be well advised to find a basement, subway, tunnel, well, mine shaft, underground parking garage, or anything else that will put a lot of dirt between you and the blast, if that isn't an option, get in the bathtub, under a car or your bed, or just "duck and cover" and say hello to radiation sickness, pile as much stuff, people, pets, blankets, mattresses as you can on top of yourself to protect yourself.

If you have advanced warning of the bomb, always assume that it is on it's way down and will go off very very soon. Head for shelter and do not look back. Do not stop to get dressed or put on shoes, modesty will kill you and bleeding feet are a fair trade for a beating heart, don't worry, I'm sure you will be able to find a corpse in your size to scavenge after the blast. When you head for the shelter, only grab what you can on your way out, assume that the thirty seconds it will take to dig through the drawer for your gas mask will kill you, if it is on your way to the door and will not encumber you, grab bottled water, canned food, a swiss army knife, gas masks and a gun and ammunition, but again, rummaging will kill you so if it isn't in plain sight don't look for it.

As for pets and children, it isn't very nice, but you have to save your own ass. Leave babies behind, babies will kill you, tell young children to follow you, but don't wait for them or carry them, if you survive and aren't sterilized by radiation you can always have another. If your dog wants to follow you, let him, he could provide enoug food to get you through another week in the shelter to let the radioactive dust settle, if your cat is in your lap, carry it, remember, cat=food, food=more time in shelter to let radioactive dust settle.

Ok, so you made it to the shelter and the bombs hit, now what? Wait. That shit out there is radioactive, if it doesn't kill you, it will make you wish it had, the longer you stay in the shelter, the better your chances for survival. If there are others in your shelter, kill them if you can, more food and water for you means more time for the dust to settle. If you want to be dangerously nice, you can only kill those who don't carry their own weight, but this isn't reccomended for maximum survival probability. Of course, once you start killing people, the others might try to kill you, always start the killing with the strongest and work your way down.

Hopefully, you have food and bottled water in the shelter. Always remember, a human being can survive much longer without food than without water. If there is no food or water, do not drink anything seeping from the surface, that shit is chock full of hearty radiation. Water is your first priority, if there is none, you can always "bleed" a dog, cat, or child. Physically subdue them so they don't try to kill you or run away, cut a hole in their skin where they will bleed, but not to death, and drink their blood. When they die from this, hang them from the cieling, cut the lowest artery, and drink a much of their blood as you can. Then eat their flesh, it will provide valuable energy that will help you subdue your next refreshing drink.

So there is nothing left in your shelter to eat or drink? That means it is time to skip town while you still have the energy. Secure a gas mask if you have one, if you don't, any cloth tied over your mouth and nose will help keep out radioactive dust. Make a mad dash for the country and don't stop for anything, that shit is still radioactive. if there is something useful on a corpse you can quickly pick up like a gun or canned food, grab it, but do not trust any food or water that might have been exposed to radiation, It's unlikely cars will work, they are probably mostly melted, but if you find one that does, steal it and take it as far as you can. Your goal is to get as far away from urban areas as you can, as quickly as possible.

Once you make it out of the city, it's time to learn to hunt, gather vegetables, and distill water. Most ground water is likely contaminated, so distillation is neccesary. One simple way to distill water is to get a large pan and a cup, put the cup in the pan and fill the pan with water, leaving the inside of the cup dry, stretch plastic film, such as saran wrap, over the pan and cup and put a penny, or rock on the plastic over the cup so the plastic bends towards the cup, leave it in the sun undisturbed and vapor will collect on the plastic and drip into the cup. As for food, you aregoing to have to learn how to hunt and gather. Do not eat unhealthy looking plants and animals, they might be radioactive. Keep in mind that canned food is relatively safe, but supplies may be limited.

Congratulations, you are still alive! Now it's time or a life of hunger and fear. Water will likely be contaminated for a long time, so keep the habit of distilling. Stay out of the rain and stay far away from cities. Always assume that any other person you see will kill you for a cup of water, and you should be ok. It's up to you from here on, don't be stupid.

Until next time, this is JWAM telling you how to keep your sorry ass alive.

 

yay i survived your thread!! lest do the boogie woogie, and sip a cold one

btw.. thanks for sharing

 

Or alternativly hide under a table.

 

Hahaha. You thrill me.

 

If we are stuck in a shelter together, i would kill you first because you would kill me

 

Just when I thought I could never smile or laugh this twisted reality brought a smile on my twisted face, and laughter in my twisted dark mood....sounds like too much work though I'll just lay down on the couch and wait to melt along with it if time happens.

 

thank you.

 

Oh, you wouldn't know I was going to kill you.

It's not like I would just say to someone stuck in a shelter with me "You know John, you seem like a nice guy and all, but my chances for survival would be much higher if you weren't eating all the food and drinking all the water up in this mofo. I'm afraid I'm going to have to slit your throat. What's that? No you cannot have a last meal! Were you even listening? Now hold still, this will only hurt for a minute."

No, I'd just kill you, how and when would depend on the situation, of course.

By the way, I'll post the second installment pretty soon, hopefully tomorrow. It will be titled: "How I learned to stop worrying and love the zombie plague."

 

i'm looking forward to it.

 

If i lived in a shelter with anyone from here, i would bleed them for liquid nourishment them let their body ferment for drunken beef jerky.

 

where is #2?

 

Sorry about that, I'm in the middle of moving so I don't have a lot of time to write it up. I know your life may depend on it, so I'll do it the first chance I get.

 

Yeah man, that thing is funny as hell, and very good advice, I cant wait till u make the next one.

 

Second Installment: The Zombie Plague

HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE ZOMBIE PLAGUE


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There are two types of zombies in the world, there are voudou zombies and viral zombies. Voudou zombies are created by Haitian witch doctors as slaves, they are not contagious, and unless ordered to attack by their masters they are not aggressive. Voudou zombies are not much to worry about, in this installment we will talk about viral zombies.

In 1996, a top secret laboratory for the United States government engineered a virus to be used as a biological weapon. The virus is carried in all of the body fluids of the victim but can only be transmitted to a healthy individual by direct contact with blood, it causes death within hours by basically hijacking the brain of the victim and ceasing organ function, but the death of the victim is just the start of the problems. Within minutes of death, the corpse of the infected individual will be reanimated as a mindless zombie whose only instinct is to seek nourishment from the flesh of a living human. Viral zombies are both extremely aggreessive and extremely contagious, and an outbreak of the virus would present a serious "shit hitting the fan" scenario.

The laboratory which created the virus was buried deep beneath the desert in Nevada. As they were testing the virus a zombie escaped the containment chamber, spreading the virus throughout the facility. The facility was destroyed by a nuclear weapon and all remaining samples of the virus were presumed lost forever. However, one man managed to escape the facility with a phial of the virus and no one knows where he went, it is rumored that this virus made it's way onto the black market and no one knows now who possesses it or even if it still exists. This lone phial of the virus presents a serious threat to the human race, we can only hope that it has not fallen into the wrong hands.

If it is in the wrong hands, which is very likely, it is only a matter of time before it is released to destroy the world. If that happens every man woman and child on the face of the planet will likely be forced to wage a grim battle for their survival. Perhaps the knowledge contained in this article will help to ensure your survival, read it well, and be prepared to act if the need arises.

First of all, you need to know a little more about viral zombies. All organs of a zombie except for a crude digestive track, the muscles, and the nervous sytem have ceased to function. A viral zombie is subject to the same decomposition as a normal corpse, eating fresh human meat slows this decomposition. A viral zombie can only be de-animated by destroying the brain or severing the brain stem, as long as the brain stem and brain of a zombie remains intact, anything attached to it will remain animated and will seek to eat live human beings. While a severed head of a zombie with the brain stem still intact poses no serious threat, you had better keep your fingers away from its mouth.

The best way to kill a zombie is to shoot it in the head, sever the head, or burn it long enough for the heat to destroy the brain. In the event of an outbreak of zombie plague it will be essential that you secure weapons, firearms are the most effective weapons, but it is very likely that you will run out of ammo. Even if you make a perfect headshot every time, a man cannot carry enough ammunition to kill the great number of zombies you will likely be pitted against. It is best that you conserve ammunition and only shoot thoze zombies which pose a serious threat to your life. Do not waste bullets by shooting at the torso, at best this will only slow them down or perhaps paralyze them by severing the spinal cord, one bullet in the head is worth a hundred in the torso. At close range, weapons capable of penetrating the skull or severing the head such as axes and heavy swords can be effective, but it is not reccomended that you engage a zombie at close range unless forced to as the risk of being bitten is high. A chainsaw can also make an effective, although gruesome, weapon, but it is only reccomended for true badasses. Also, if engaging a zombie at close range be vary wary if you have any open wounds, if the splattered blood from a zombie makes its way into your bloodstream you will be infected.

Zombies are created by a virus and it is important to know how to avoid being infected. The virus spreads through contact with the blood, and the most common means of infection will be zombie bites. If you have any cuts, be sure to cover them well so they will not come in contact with the fluids of a zombie. It is also reccomended that you protect your mouth and eyes when around zombies. Once a person has been bitten by a zombie, they only have one to five hours until they die, there is no cure for the virus and less than ten minutes after death, either by the virus or from their wounds, they will be reanimated. If someone you are with is bitten, it is essential that they take leave of the group, they will soon try to eat their companions. If you have been bitten you are doomed, it is best that you help your companions as much as you can by leaving the group and confronting any zombies which put them at risk, this will remove the risk of you turning on your friends and you may be able to distract or slow down the zombies which threaten them.

It is unlikely that you will know that a zombie plague is at hand until the infection has reached catastrophic levels. The media will likely report the plague as widespread riots at first. The government will probably issue warnings to stay in your homes or congregate in designated areas, it is not reccomended that you do either of these things, any large congregation of people will soon be a large congregation of zombies, and few homes are fortified enough to keep out hordes of zombies. A zombie is slower and weaker than a living person, but their strength lies in suprise, as the infection first starts to spread, and large numbers ans the plague reaches catastrophic proportions. It is best that you make your way to areas with low populations such as the country, any city will be a deathtrap. Zombies are capable of breaking car windows, gasoline will be hard to come by, and massive traffic jams may hinder your escape, but your best bet is to secure an automobile and drive into the country. Pick up as many strong, unbitten individuals as you can as a small group is much more effective at holding off zombies than an individual. Try to avoid the military or law enforcement unless they are individual deserters, as they will be likely to try to corral you into dangerous congregations, and once you are out of the city try to find a defensible structure away from any population. If you cannot get out of the city find the most secure location you can, preferrably above ground level or in a vault or bomb shelter, and ideally with an escape route should the zombies get in. Sleep in shifts and always be on guard for zombies, they make very little noise and they can sneak up on you if you are not careful. Also, try to avoid making much noise and stay away from windows, zombies are attracted to noises and movement and the last thing you need is a city's worth of zombies knocking at your door, they will soon knock it down.

In the event of a zombie plague, sentiments for loved ones can kill you. If the zombie of someone you know tries to eat you you cannot afford to delay, it is not the person you once loved and it will not hesitate to eat you alive. The elderly, the sick and young children must be left behind, they will only serve to slow down your group, they will be the first ones to die and dragging them along is likely to get you killed. Your best companions are strong and intelligent young men and women, you will be fighting for your lives the whole way and you must keep this in mind when selecting companions.

Once you find a secure location, your best bet is to wait it out. Once there is no more fresh meat the zombies will quickly decompose to the point that they can no longer function. It will probably take about two to four months from the start of the infection for this to happen, but you should still be wary of even de-animated zombies, until they are burned, de-animated zombies will carry the virus for up to a year. Fresh food and water will likely be a problem while you are waiting out the plague, unless you barricade yourself in a grocery store it will have to be rationed carefully, plan your rations for three months, and you should severely punish those who eat more than their fair share, your life depends on your food and water lasting long enough to wait out the plague. Also, you should always remember in any survival situation that a human being can survive for up to and over a month without food, but without water a person will die within days, take extra precautions with water rations and if water is scarce avoid alcohol, caffeine and salt unless you have no other choice. Tap and ground water, even if it continues to run, is likely to be contaminated by fluids from zombies, be very wary of tap water unless you know it comes directly from a secure source.

In the end, your survival will depend on quick thinking and strength of will. Without these you are sure to die. Don't be stupid.

Until next time, this is JWAM telling you how to keep your sorry ass alive.

 

While i was reading that, I felt like I was watching 28 Days Later.
Thats great!

 

was worth the wait!

 

That was freaking awesome. I had a dream about that once, like way before all these new zombie movies came out, I swam across a lake and got on an island to escape them.

I cant wait till your next one. Thanks man!

 

when the zombies come im gonna have two katanas, a claymore, two battle axes and two magnums with as much ammo as i can carry. i think ill be set!!! and if i do get bitten ill still have 5 hours to take out as much zombies as i can before i become one myself, and when that happens.....someone please kill me!!!!

 

what do we do if the zombies come at the same time as a nuclear bombing???

 

thats when the shit hits the fan and the fan explodes.

I think what u should do in this case, is to find a nice island to live on.