In this thread, I will discuss survival strategies for seemingly unlikely end-of-the-world scenarios. First installment: Nuclear Holocaust HOW TO LIVE THROUGH THE NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST AND LIVE TO TELL YOUR DEFORMED KIDS ABOUT IT. Nuclear war. The world has feared it since 1945, and for good reason. Nothing can ruin your day quite like a bomb that can wipe out an entire city and leave deadly radiation for decades. But have no fear, I will tell you how to survive this radioactive nightmare. Warning signs: I wouldn't count on a warning bulletin or an air-raid siren. Don't count on it, but if there is a warning, no matter what they say, if you live in a city DO NOT DRIVE YOUR CAR. Everyone in the city will be trying to escape, they will pay no attention to traffic laws, and car wrecks and gridlock will trap everyone foolish enough to get in their cars in the street where they will be most exposed to the bombs. If there is a warning, get to the lowest, most protected place you can find as soon as possible. At least 100 miles from any urban area or military installation is the best place to be, they may have bombs going off-course, but they are unlikely to waste nuclear weapons to intentionally blow up a bunch of trees. Of course, you are where you are when the bomb hits, so unless you already live in the middle of nowhere, that isn't really a viable option. Your second best bet is a specially designed bomb shelter, but those may be few and far between, if there isn't a bomb sheter you could run to in a couple of minutes, you would be well advised to find a basement, subway, tunnel, well, mine shaft, underground parking garage, or anything else that will put a lot of dirt between you and the blast, if that isn't an option, get in the bathtub, under a car or your bed, or just "duck and cover" and say hello to radiation sickness, pile as much stuff, people, pets, blankets, mattresses as you can on top of yourself to protect yourself. If you have advanced warning of the bomb, always assume that it is on it's way down and will go off very very soon. Head for shelter and do not look back. Do not stop to get dressed or put on shoes, modesty will kill you and bleeding feet are a fair trade for a beating heart, don't worry, I'm sure you will be able to find a corpse in your size to scavenge after the blast. When you head for the shelter, only grab what you can on your way out, assume that the thirty seconds it will take to dig through the drawer for your gas mask will kill you, if it is on your way to the door and will not encumber you, grab bottled water, canned food, a swiss army knife, gas masks and a gun and ammunition, but again, rummaging will kill you so if it isn't in plain sight don't look for it. As for pets and children, it isn't very nice, but you have to save your own ass. Leave babies behind, babies will kill you, tell young children to follow you, but don't wait for them or carry them, if you survive and aren't sterilized by radiation you can always have another. If your dog wants to follow you, let him, he could provide enoug food to get you through another week in the shelter to let the radioactive dust settle, if your cat is in your lap, carry it, remember, cat=food, food=more time in shelter to let radioactive dust settle. Ok, so you made it to the shelter and the bombs hit, now what? Wait. That shit out there is radioactive, if it doesn't kill you, it will make you wish it had, the longer you stay in the shelter, the better your chances for survival. If there are others in your shelter, kill them if you can, more food and water for you means more time for the dust to settle. If you want to be dangerously nice, you can only kill those who don't carry their own weight, but this isn't reccomended for maximum survival probability. Of course, once you start killing people, the others might try to kill you, always start the killing with the strongest and work your way down. Hopefully, you have food and bottled water in the shelter. Always remember, a human being can survive much longer without food than without water. If there is no food or water, do not drink anything seeping from the surface, that shit is chock full of hearty radiation. Water is your first priority, if there is none, you can always "bleed" a dog, cat, or child. Physically subdue them so they don't try to kill you or run away, cut a hole in their skin where they will bleed, but not to death, and drink their blood. When they die from this, hang them from the cieling, cut the lowest artery, and drink a much of their blood as you can. Then eat their flesh, it will provide valuable energy that will help you subdue your next refreshing drink. So there is nothing left in your shelter to eat or drink? That means it is time to skip town while you still have the energy. Secure a gas mask if you have one, if you don't, any cloth tied over your mouth and nose will help keep out radioactive dust. Make a mad dash for the country and don't stop for anything, that shit is still radioactive. if there is something useful on a corpse you can quickly pick up like a gun or canned food, grab it, but do not trust any food or water that might have been exposed to radiation, It's unlikely cars will work, they are probably mostly melted, but if you find one that does, steal it and take it as far as you can. Your goal is to get as far away from urban areas as you can, as quickly as possible. Once you make it out of the city, it's time to learn to hunt, gather vegetables, and distill water. Most ground water is likely contaminated, so distillation is neccesary. One simple way to distill water is to get a large pan and a cup, put the cup in the pan and fill the pan with water, leaving the inside of the cup dry, stretch plastic film, such as saran wrap, over the pan and cup and put a penny, or rock on the plastic over the cup so the plastic bends towards the cup, leave it in the sun undisturbed and vapor will collect on the plastic and drip into the cup. As for food, you aregoing to have to learn how to hunt and gather. Do not eat unhealthy looking plants and animals, they might be radioactive. Keep in mind that canned food is relatively safe, but supplies may be limited. Congratulations, you are still alive! Now it's time or a life of hunger and fear. Water will likely be contaminated for a long time, so keep the habit of distilling. Stay out of the rain and stay far away from cities. Always assume that any other person you see will kill you for a cup of water, and you should be ok. It's up to you from here on, don't be stupid. Until next time, this is JWAM telling you how to keep your sorry ass alive.