I like toying around with a woman in the sack. But if one isn't available I revert to the Fleshlight series of masturbation toys. They're the closest thing to real pussy I have found.
I’d say estim is a favorite but to be fair I haven’t used a lot of different sex toys, other than relatively quiet electric massagers.
I just this for my husband's birthday and he loved it. https://kissngiggles.com/product/tori-black-pussy-stroker/
For toys...his and hers butt plugs. If you're not sure he'd be into anal be sure to have yours in first.
The OP has not returned to HF since the day after she started this thread, over 5 years ago, but the thread is still active, so I'll add one item not already here. The best sex toy for a couple with older/adult children at home is a second home for the couple to take getaway weekends and vacations alone. However, that's very expensive. So, second on my list would be headphones for the kids. If your kids are gaming or listening to music while wearing good headphones, the parents can do anything they want in the bedroom without being heard.
We never cared about the children hearing us. Although we didn't outright have sex in front of them many nights we put them to bed and got intimate after or snuck off to 'take a nap". Several times we were interrupted by the "drink of water" but we always picked up right where we left off. I don't think it scarred them for life knowing mommie and daddy loved each other. Oh, and every one of them discovered the toys we kept in the bedroom.
The OP indicated having been married 21 years and groaning that the kids were still in the house. Mine are in their early 20s. The main house is small; the floors are wood (sound travels); and the bedrooms are all very close together. When they were young, my attitude was exactly yours. Now that they are fully aware of exactly everything said and done in the house and lighter sleepers, and now that we are exploring more kinks, I'd rather not have them hear what we're up to. Similarly, I prefer that they not have partners with them doing it loudly in a bed that is in another room, but only 20-25 feet from my own bed. I think they appreciate that we do it elsewhere, and especially that we not share every auditory detail with them. My wife and I stayed with my father shortly after we were married and between the sale of one house and the purchase another. Out of respect for him, we were circumspect about our sexual encounters during the time we lived in his house and while he was within earshot. We simply extend the same courtesy now to our young adult children, as they do to us also. To each his own, but sex is best for me and for my wife, when the kids don't know our favorite positions, pillow talk, and the audible indicia of our every kink. That we have sex is a given, but exactly how we do it I like to remain private among the participants. An audience of immediate family members takes away from the experience, for us anyway. A weekend house is perfect for that. The headphones work well also. I don't use them, but my kids spend much of their time wearing them. If they're independently streaming video, we know they'll be occupied for a while and unable to hear any sound outside the headphones.
I like a open ended stroker and a urethral sound, alongside a electrastim cock ring. I then liven up the stainless sound while it’s inside me. Feeling the shockwaves through my hard cock whilst sliding myself in and out the stoker is a sure fire way to achieve a banging orgasm.
I don't want any sex toy working on my body, but I like large penis shaped, realistic feeling vibrators to use on my wife.
Their bedrooms (I'd want my daughter to have 'home field advantage'). I'd also want them to have window-rattling, headboard-banging, joyous, laughing, screaming, multiple orgasm sex all night long. They're only young once.