This is a pretty long story, so TL;DR: I had sex with one of my best friends, who lives half way across the country. The time we spent together and the incredible emotional intimacy of sex have reinforced why I'm so incredibly fond of this person, I think about him and we talk all the time, I don't know what to do with these emotions. A few months ago, I had a dream about a good friend of mine who lives in California. (I live in Texas). The dream triggered a few emotions that I had shoved in the back of my mind. One such emotion was simply that I missed the guy. He is a good friend, and the last time I'd seen him was for half an hour back in November. Another such emotion was lust. That was something I'd shoved as far back in my mind as I possibly could. I'd pretty much wanted to have sex with the guy since I learned what it's like to be horny when I was 17. But I could not allow myself to feel that emotion towards him. He's a good friend. Not allowed. The reality of it though was that I knew having sex with him would probably open up some kind of crazy pandora's box. I lived in California with my dad during my sophomore year of high school. At the end of that year, I met my friend. We clicked pretty much immediately, and would often hang out after school and on the weekends. Soon, our friendship started moving into relationship territory. We were never "officially" dating, as I was possibly going back to Texas in a few months. But we were dating, for all intent and purpose. As expected, I went back to Texas, as Texas is my home and California is not. We kept in contact however, and have remained good friends to this day. So, I decided I'd go visit him and my family. During the month prior, we had been talking on Skype and facebook about a lot of stuff. Emotional stuff. I decided it was necessary to figure out how we really felt about each other. For five years we had maintained a completely platonic friendship. He insisted that his love was completely platonic. But once I admitted that I wanted to have sex with him, he confessed that he felt the same way. So we had reached the point of no return. Something had been brought out into the open which had been hidden for 5 years: that we still really like each other. And we were gonna have sex. I arrived in California, and things progressed as intended. One evening, I was dropped off at his parents' house. We couldn't do anything at his parents house, so unfortunately his car was our only option. We drove around and found a spot. I had never been with a man before, only a girl, and he was totally a virgin, so it was both our first time with the opposite sex. And considering the circumstances, (parked by the side of the road with cars driving by every few minutes), it was a really excellent experience. I was quite amazed by the whole experience, the way he felt, looked, smelled, tasted, the way everything just synced up and went together, it was just great. There was nothing weird or awkward about it, we both felt confident, secure and quite blissfully happy. The next time was a bit different. We were at my dad's house, and we stayed in because everyone was gone and I didn't feel right about the idea of leaving my 11 year old sister at home alone, even though she was asleep. But we were still pretty much both burning with desire lol. So, of course, we started making out. But it was an interestingly gradual thing, which changed the equation a bit. We would kiss a bit, and then stop and just look at each other. Gaze in each other's eyes, and just feel. And a bunch of other pretty sappy stuff happened lol but I won't bore you with the details. Then when we did eventually give in and have sex in the office/guest bedroom, that must've been one of the most emotionally intimate experiences of my life. It was definitely more akin to making love than just having sex. Very sweet, very meaningful, very intimate. It's cliche, but it felt so right. We couldn't really look at each other the same after that. But not in a bad way. I mean, glances exchanged after that were filled with adoration and happiness, instead of just like the normal way people look at you. I don't know how to explain what I mean but hopefully that makes some sense. So now I'm back in Texas and life hasn't quite resumed it's normal shape. One of my best friends is out of town, another is just tired from a lot of partying. One of my good friends who used to live with me hasn't been around lately. I've been thinking about my California friend an awful lot, and I've been talking to him a lot. He's the calmest, warmest, happiest person I know and it's awesome. I miss him. He's so far away. I don't know what to do with these emotions. I can visit him again, and I probably will pretty soon. But that doesn't really solve anything. It will surely just feed into this feeling, and increase my uncertainty. I feel like I've created a mess. I've sown the seeds in a garden I can't even grow. I wouldn't say that I regret any of it. But I don't have a clue how to tie up the lose ends here. I'm obsessing over this too and I don't know how to stop.
Time heals all wounds. One way or the other life will move on. Years from now, you will only remember this vaguely.
I don't know what your life situation currently looks like, but it dose seem that there is a house in California you might be able to take up residence in. Most likely not practical, but it sounds like you have something that's very sought after, and I'm all for living life to fullest, not being afraid, so long as that doesn't detract from another area of life. Wich ties back into practicality. Perhaps your growing a stable career or what not that would be adversely impacted. Perhaps you just need have the courage. But be prepared for it to not work out to. If you make the huge life change of moving across the country and your left with only ashes what will you do? On the other hand we have the more likely reality. And time dose heal all wounds. Svrart is correct. It won't feel like that at the time. But let time pass. You'll see. But while that time is passing don't let it pass you by. Stay engaged in your life, and don't let a missed opportunity close off future ones. I know you don't know me, but message me if you want to hear about my similar situations, or talk.
I do know what it is like to pine for somebody half a world away. I've been there before and it was bittersweet. Is there any chance of getting him to come out to visit you in Texas, on your home turf? It would give the two of you a chance to be alone again and maybe some more bonding and emotional sharing will take place. Like you said before, you live in Texas, and he is in CA, so unless one of you moves.... this story is not likely to have a happy ending.
Going through life without taking chances breeds nothing but regret. You say the two of you have talked about your feelings, emotions but I didn't get the sense that it included exact how you felt for each other. Aside from the sexual experience, it certainly is not uncommon for these types of felling's to arise, especially at a young age. While I could sit here and type all the cliché's concerning this situation, such as: Better loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.....etc, taking a risk and putting yourself in a situation that would allow the two of you to become CLOSE, not only in proximity but also in your hearts, will provide you an answer, good or bad. It also could be that the distance between the two of you is what makes the longing feeling so strong. Yes, that too has a cliché but I'll spare you. Bottom line is, are you willing to take a leap of faith to find out what you really want to know? Again, the only cliché I cited here, rings very true in your situation! Good luck, first loves come only once, I think i can speak for a majority of people when I say, I sure as hell wish I could have hung onto mind, FOREVER!
im gonna add my 2 cents by suggesting this song for u to listen to. "so far away" by the Dire Straits
