What’s my worst trait…? Insecurity. It eats at my head and kills my life. Everything I do, everything I say, everything I see, everything I feel. I feel it about every aspect of my life. From high school I have always feared id fail at providing for myself and my family financially. I have NEVER wanted to have to rely on someone else. I wanted to take care of myself, my family and others. I have now learned to have faith that we will get through but I still feel a pit inside me that I failed. From high school I have always stressed the way I look and I know that this sounds selfish and stereotypical but I can’t help the way I feel. I know it is just the way I see myself but I have no control of it. I don’t know why it bothers me so bad. I know it doesn’t matter what other people think and they all say that it should only matter what your husband thinks. But I can’t get past feeling how it makes me think and feel. How do I get past the way I see myself? And this is not just a physical appearance thing. Yes I do not like the way I look. Yes I would like to feel I am attractive-who doesn’t? My problem is I DON’T FEEL like I AM. I know that my husband thinks that I am. No I don’t think he is lying-just I guess he sees me differently than I do. What is this that covers my eyes so that I can’t see what my husband sees? Why do I see every single one of my flaws as a human being? Why do I need to even feel that I am attractive? Because I want to be attractive for my husband. I want him to always be attracted to me. But because I do not see myself as attractive I fear that he will see me the same way I see myself. Maybe he doesn’t now, but if I don’t change the way I see myself than he might notice? How do I have the strength to change myself on my own? Why cant I? I want to be able to. I let my mind just go so deep I feel like I am drowning. Why doesn’t anyone listen to me? Can’t you see that I am screaming? Why can’t I open my mouth and the words come out? Why am I so afraid it won’t come out right? Why am I so afraid that you won’t understand? Because nobody understands. Nobody listens. Why have I never had someone in my life who can listen? Why can’t I be brave enough that if they do listen they will understand? My husband, he’s amazing, he listens but he still doesn’t understand and I don’t know how to make him understand. It is like a disease in my mind. I want to control it. I try to control it. You feel so angry that I feel this way when you tell me I'm beautiful and I’m amazing every day but all I see is me failing. I fail at providing for my family financially. I fail at being a good mother and wife. I’m lazy, I’m messy and I know that I am. I try to change but I sink right back down into that slump. Why cant I have the faith my husband has? Where is my strength? Only God can wake me up from this blindness. Why is it so hard? I want him in my life. I feel I’m not a bad person. Why does the devil beat me like this? Be happy-the happiest in you life. You have found that person who is going to love you forever you can feel it. What does he like about me? That I’m me and he is him and we just work. What does he LOVE about me? That I’m happy all the time. Is that it? Can I just not be tolerated when I am stressed? I believe everyone handles stress differently and it puts me into a depression. You know how hard it is for me to keep that happy, bubbliness that you love about me when I’m depressed? Why am I depressed? Because I’m stressed and then my mind eats at every little thing in my life. I will never be right for anyone. Why would anyone want to be with someone who is so insecure? It drives my husband crazy that I’m insecure. Why do I need someone, other than my own approval that I am worthy? Why have I never been worthy before? Why have I never been the one? And now that I am the one do I let the depression sink me…. Someone see me. Someone see that I am dying. How do I keep this smile that you want to see when I am dying! I need to scream. Why cant I scream- why can’t I scream before it’s too late? I love my kids, I love my family, it is all I want. I love my husband. He is all I want. Why do I need to feel wanted by others? Nobody sees me. A am nothing. Why am I even here? Why did I hurt my husband? Why did I kill his trust? What is wrong with me? My insecurity leads me to need approval in some way in my life. But I can’t do anything right. The only thing I had right in my life is my husband. I love him with everything I am. I know he loves me so why can’t he see ME? Why could he not see that something is wrong? Why can’t he see that I am dying inside? Why does this depression cripple me so? Why can’t I get help? I don’t even ask for help from my husband. How can I let him see me so weak? We should be each others rock, but I’m crumbling. Why am I crumbling? What is this in my head? I can’t get it out, I’m not enough, I’m never enough. I am not enough for anyone to even listen! How do I get someone to listen? How do I get someone to see me? Why does nobody notice, why does nobody care? They know I care. There has never been anyone in my life that has ever felt that I will not be there for them. I need someone to see me. I killed the only thing I had. How could he ever love me. I feared that he couldn’t love me forever before, but now he probably never can. Nobody could love me forever. It not that I am not happy-I am. It’s just something in my head that tells me I am no good. I am not stable, I am not attractive, I am not fun, I am not interesting, I am not valuable, I am not important. My husband saw me that way why couldn’t I? Now he never will again because I looked for a way to be approved by someone else. I am nobody.
I honestly don't know what to say. You have so many questions, but I feel like they are rhetorical anyway. No point in answering for you. You will decide what they answers are in time. I hope everything works out JES*.
If your who you say you are, you have no worries.. you will be fine..? Have a clear out, room by room, get rid of everything you don't need.. Put bins in all the rooms in your house for one week, get everyone to put stuff in them.. In the kitchen, dump all the stuff you haven't used in a year, that will shock you.. then stand back. After 1 week, you will be clear of the untidyness, you won't want it to change. Do something each day. Routine is brilliant. But you need a day for you, shop, friends, just for you, even if it's just a magazine and a coffee in a store.. He loves you, he has no problem, it's your self belief. When was the last time you had your nails done? Your eye lashes tinted, a massage? Who is your best friend? Hubby? You need to get out more, do you have date nights? Do the kids go to bed early, together? If no, you need routine ... Push yourself for one week, stick to a routine, then you become quicker, it's normal, life is easier.. Oh, night school.. join something, anything, from keep fit, to flower arrangement, something for you.. Good luck, you will get there..
i found comfort in ignoring my depression by feeling accepted by another man. my husband is discussed with me. it is not someone i know in person someone i met on an app and exchanged phone numbers. i sent him pictures of myself (i have reallly been struggling with the extra weight i have not lost since i had the baby). this was the first time i felt comfertable in my skin in a long time. But i never should have talked to someone other than my husband in that way. and know it was not a hook up. he had just convinced me that i was beautiful and sexy. i sent nudes-big mistake. my husband found the conversation. he hates me now
A little off topic but, aren't you afraid of your husband seeing your picture online? Or others that might know you? I'm always baffled when people use there real face as their profile pic. As for your husband finding out about your nude pics, that totally sucks! Is he willing to forgive you? Did you tell him why you did it? It's easy to get caught up online , sharing pics etc. There are lots of creepy men online that tell you what you want to hear just so they can see more and more. Be careful! BTW, your a very pretty girl! Just know that your not the only one that feels this way, lots of people are lacking things in their relationships and seek elsewhere to get what they are missing. It's too bad that our partners/spouses cant realize how much we need to hear certain things to feel happy and wanted.
Oh dear.. you fell for it.. your not the only one..give it time, he will either forgive, or move on. You have to face your responsibility for that. You have to remember, people on the internet, are likely to not be who they say they are, unless totally open. Be careful, hip is a lair if you let it.. But yeah, candybuttons is right, if that pic is you, might be a good idea to change it..
I can see right off that a significant part of your emotional turmoil stems from your superstitious beliefs in a testing, personal, list making God, and also an evil punishing Devil. There's no such thing. It's all Bronze Age Hebrew mythology. Pure superstitious nonsense. You need to let that shit go. It belongs in the dark ages. God and Satan are as real as Thor and Zeus. Do you work? Or do you stay home? I bet you could gain a great deal of confidence in doing a job well and proving to yourself you're a smart and self sufficient woman. And if you set small goals and tasks and then accomplish them you'll also see a rise in confidence. Looks mean little, since beauty is subjective. Besides, you're married. Who cares how you look? LOL as long as hubby thinks you're hot, you've got no worries. You don't earn a living with your looks like an actress or a model, so there's no need to obsess about not bring beautiful. It sounds like you have too much time on your hands to think about and dwell on all that shite. I know this may sound overly simple but......you should get out more! Join a gym or take a dance class. Art class or some fun class at your local community college. Again, confidence and self esteem will skyrocket with met goals and finished projects. Best wishes.
How To Change Negative Core Beliefs: A ... - Dr Alice Boyes www.aliceboyes.com/cognitive-behavior-therapy-blog-straightforward-guide-to-cbt/ These core beliefs commonly underlie depression and anxiety. Helpless Core Beliefs. such as: Unlovable Core Beliefs. such as: Worthless Core Beliefs. such as. How to Begin Changing a Negative Core Belief. Step 1: Pick a new core belief that you would prefer. Check Out My Top 4 Books for Changing Your Core Beliefs. Change Core Beliefs - Pathway To Happiness www.pathwaytohappiness.com/writings_falsebeliefs.htm Changing core beliefs is most easily done by first establishing a new ... This task can be a little challenging in the beginning but gets easier with practice. www.google.com/search?q=challenging+core+beliefs This actually works, not overnight but it works.
You are still a good person. You can't control everything...sometimes you just have to let the pieces lie and hope for the best.
