"Ugly. What is ugly? Who is to say whether Kollos is too ugly to bear or too beautiful to bear?" -Is There In Truth No Beauty? Stardate: 5630.7, Original Airdate: 18 Oct, 1968. It is still ironic, after all these years, I really don't know what I look like to other people, even now. As a child, people were going out of their way to tell me I was ugly. Telling me over and over again. Sometimes several times in an hour. As I said, if people back then realized I didn't know what I looked like, and wanted me to know I was ugly, they only had to tell me once. I wouldn't have believed them at first. But eventually I would have. And some of people's reaction to my alleged ugliness was clearly exaggerated. People would scream, laugh, cry and yell when they saw me. Either someone put them up to those things or they were just trying to be obnoxious, i realize that now. And when a paramedic saw me for the first time he looked, and then took a second look. He really didn't have to do that, I realize now. He was just trying to be obnoxious. But people did do that often back then. And why did he do it? I never met him before in my life. Was he reacting to seeing me for the first time? Or did he already know about me. The neurologist who saw me for the first time in HS, told my mother I had an extremely large head. He showed her. It was off the charts. Also, when I was a child, maybe about 9 or 10, a little girl in the park screamed and dropped her apple when she saw me for the first time. But I remember she was a mean selfish little girl, and she may have had mental or behavioral problems. Like I said, I don't what I look like. I still might be the most handsome man on earth. I doubt it. But anything is possible. Like have often tell people, after an incident on the playground, and I was trying to figure out what I look like, I would look in the bathroom mirror. I would wrap a towel around my neck, and then pull it away fast. And briefly I could see my head was a little larger than normal. Then the image would immediately fade. Now, when I glance a mirror, my head looks large. And possibly misshapen or deformed, from a certain angle. Unsure. But again, if I don't look fast, the image fades. Also, very weird my head looks almost small when I look in the mirrors at home. But when I look in a mirror in a store, even when I am not standing next to someone, my head looks very large. Why would size appear to change? Yeah, mirrors. My family and I were at a Wendy's once after the 6th grade incident. And a little girl was in a nearby table, going into a long tirade of how ugly I was. I now know someone obviously put her up to it. But she said "go and look in a mirror" to me, which I thought was silly. I could never tell how I looked when I looked in a mirror. Adults often told me "hey kid, you're ugly". But I now know someone obviously put them up to saying that too. My main concern now would be if I was deformed. I wouldn't care if I was just ugly now. But people who are deformed really shouldn't eat in restaurants. They would make the customers there lose their appetites. It's no one's fault, it just a fact of life. Also, you know I was looking pictures of deformities on the internet. People only look really abnormal when the head deformity affects their face, I noticed. If they just have a swelling head, and it doesn't affect their face, they still look abnormal. But it doesn't look as bad, I noticed. As I tell people, I once told my mother I thought I looked handsome and gorgeous. This was just before the 6th grade incident. In the 5th grade, I seem to recall. She hesitated, like she didn't know what to say, and then tried to tell me that really wasn't true. That's an interesting ethical dilemma. If your ugly kid thinks he's handsome, do you tell him the truth. This boy I knew used to tell me he thought he was pretty. He was very ugly. Also, my mother told me once about an interesting film, that talks about this ethical dilemma. The "Enchanted Cottage": The Enchanted Cottage (1945 film) - Wikipedia Two people who are deformed think they are beautiful when they in this enchanted cottage. But when I woman who visits them for the first time sees them, she realizes they aren't beautiful. They are actually still deformed. They just look beautiful to each other there. But she decides the best thing to do is just not to tell them. I don't know how I could ever find out what I look like now. My main concern now is if I am deformed. I can never trust what people say, I know. And now, I know, people in my life will probably be trying convince me I am not deformed. Or like Dr. D in 2011 and another Dr. D in 1986, they will be trying to convince me I am handsome. That's very nice, I know. But everyone knows when someone is trying to convince you you're handsome or beautiful, they are obviously lying. So that will be no help. It is ironic. I thought I was beautiful before an incident on the playground in GS, 1979/80. And if people didn't start telling me then how ugly I was, I would still believe that.
I was just going to add to this tread, problems I had growing up, dealing with people. Children were pretty nice to me. For the most part. I guess my alleged friends in GS were the meanest though. TE basically started that ugly thing in the 6th grade. And then at a 1980/1 Halloween party at JG's house, TE and JG kept informing me and re-informing me that I was ugly, over and over again, even with my Halloween mask on. And at both parties 1980 and 81, I went to this man's house. And both times, the exact same man, informed me I was still ugly, even in my Halloween mask. I'm sure that was all just coincidence. But is my head really that large? I still wonder. Anyways, I think the kids were very nice to me growing up. And I am not just saying that. They teased me a little, nothing more. That's all. But they were just playing around. In HS there was a little more trouble. But not really. This one boy kept giving me a light pop with his fingers off the side of my head. But it was very light, and didn't even hurt. I think that's really the worst form of bullying I ever had as a child. And in HS, I think the kids and staff just left me alone and gave me my space. No, I think it was the adults growing who were really mean to me. And my parents certainly never abused me. My mother was the disciplinarian in the house. But she was never abusive. My father never laid a hand on me even once, because he just wasn't that kind of person. My life was never perfect. But I never felt deprived of anything physically or emotionally, growing up. Quite the contrary, in fact. But starting around age 4, I still remember, it all began, the verbal abuse by adults. Adults kept telling me how stupid they thought I was. I was only 4. How smart could a 4 year old be, I even thought at the time? "You're 4 and you still believe in the Easter Bunny? How stupid! My kid stopped believing in the Easter Bunny at age 3". Stuff like that. I know my cerebral palsy has affected my legs and mouth all my life. I have always had a very strange gait. I had good doctors. But as soon as I could walk, that was clear, my strange way of walking. My mouth isn't as badly affected. But it always has been still. I probably do sound a little less intelligent than I am, and always have, for that reason. I have to struggle a little even now to control my mouth. And I do know I sometimes slur my words. People have told me that all my life. Plus I am a little eccentric, I think, and always have been. As I say, I stopped trying be normal in 1982 (when I entered the Freshman year of HS). But tormenting a little kid. When is that ever right? And aren't the adults supposed to set the example?
