What is the proper or correct reaction to a friend that successfully committed suicide?

Just wondering, about a year ago, I had a cousin in my family who was a pretty good guy! He served as a Marine in the armed forces and was a good stand up guy we all liked? Well, one horrific night, we all get the news he did I guess end up just taking his own life? Just ended up shooting himself in the head with a shotgun one day and we all had to go to his funeral and everything??

What do you do or say or act when a friend or family member does this? If you were at their funeral and you had to speak and give a speech about a person that shot themself? What would you say about the person?

 

I think it's important to be supportive of those closest to the person.

When my homeboy's brother killed himself, we stopped talking... I was invited to the funeral, but I suspected that somehow I was being held partly accountable for his decision to end his life...

But that is neither here nor there.

If the deceased is a member of organized religion, you may want to refer to their belief on suicide.

If not, you could comment on rebirth, the next life, or eternity in divinity.

 

I was in that situation recently, and I still can't tell you. I don't know that there's any recipe for what to do, say, or act. I'd say just stay true to yourself. Me, I related the good times we had, the sadness I felt that he decided to opt out of the future, and that I would miss him. And I do!

There were times when I questioned whether I could have read the warning signs and intervened to convince him there was a lot to live for. And there was in his case. But he was no dummy and knew what he wanted, knew what he was giving up, and checked out anyway. I don't believe anyone could have convinced him otherwise since he didn't reach out to anyone for help or to mention his plans. Did I mention he was hardheaded? Great guy, but he wrote his own script and stuck to it. Apparently, he reached the end of his rope and couldn't find hope in his future. It's tragic. And traumatic. But it's also past and in some sense we can honor his wishes.

So, I dunno. Offer words of condolence and celebrate the good times of his life, that's all I got.

 

Mentioning religion is tricky as they tend to prohibit such an act and bar those who do from entering heaven. After believing this most of my life I heard a preacher say at a funeral for a suicide victim that this is not necessarily the case as the person is convinced they're doing the right thing or may be mentally unable to properly assess the ramifications of their actions. Some call suicide the most selfish thing a person can do but they generally believe it is best for others that they didn't exist.

 

Simply point out all the good that he did in his life. Dig up every decent thing that he ever did in his life and go from there. Remind everybody that THIS is who he was.

 

Depression can cause those who die from suicide to believe their family and friends will be better off without them. It is important for those left behind to know this.

 

Hm tough spot. Me personally, I would find a tactful way to decline speaking. If you feel uncomfortable, is that an option?

I had a friend who killed himself, and I refused to speak about it. It just seemed so inconceivable that nothing could be said without sounding disingenuous, you know?

But I guess funerals are for the living, not the dead. So you could always see it as a way of trying to ease the pain of the loved ones left behind. In that case, like others have suggested, just talk about the good times, his accomplishments and happy moments that might make people feel better. I wouldn't get too deep into spirituality because that's a personal thing for each of us, and you never know if you might offend or upset someone.

 

Spirituality/religion...
Honestly, I wouldn't give a flying phugg about the possibility of someone being "offended" by the mention of it, practice of it, or declaration of faith in it. It's a meaningless faked offense of blowhards, borne only of insecurity and jealousness. If the deceased identified with something then by all means don't shy away. If in your heart you're convinced it's what they'd want then by all means, proceed.

 

Sorry that you lost someone to suicide @Xboxoneandsports32490 @TrudginAcrossTheTundra @zer0

Imho, the only fitting memorial for a tragedy is to prevent something like that happening again. Suicide, and the mental illnesses that often go with it are taboo subjects all too often, and this is a barrier to people getting the support and treatment they need.

In the case of a marine that saw combat, it's generally more socially accepted that they might experience PTSD or depression. Still, he may not have asked for help from family members or sought treatment because of taboos.

Talking to a family therapist might be a good idea. They might have some insight into how to prevent another person in the family from killing themselves.

It sounds like the funeral already happened, but I wouldn't try to avoid the fact that that someone killed themselves while delivering their eulogy, but rather try to remember that their death was a tragedy.

 

Thanks newb.
I used to think that this type of tragedy was the result of people lacking a place to turn for understanding. I now realize after experiencing this with such a close group of people that it's really something else, at least in the case I'm closely connected to and some others I just heard about. My close friend had many people he could confide in. And did. All the talking to, pleading, emotional, and logical wasn't enough to free him from his other-worldly mind.

He was smart, compassionate, accomplished, and well liked. He took care of his parents, accompanied them through their battles with cancer, and was at the side of each when they took their last breaths. First he took the death of his mom hard, then his dad got sick and eventually succumbed and that's what we believe sent him into PTSD. It really messed with his mind.

He ended up in the hospital a couple times due to extreme episodes of paranoia. There were unseen and unconfirmable forces out to get him. Medication seemed to help and after awhile he'd deem himself better and get off it. The suicide was pretty much out of the blue for all we can figure. There's no evidence he'd even been thinking of that. Although we later found out that earlier that night he'd brought gifts to neighbors for no particular occasion other than to thank them for being good neighbors. So that leads us to believe he'd been planning it for at least that couple hours prior. We also know he spoke with his ex-wife on the phone immediately prior. We can't know the details of the exchange and the ex-wife never opened up about it. We expect it was his way of saying goodbye without actually saying it but it's our best guess.

I'm convinced, knowing him well for decades, that once he made up his mind there was no stopping him. Of course that was him prior to the mental illness and one thing we found out is that these mental illnesses really change who people are. And yet he could seem his normal self much of the time. So it wasn't a matter of having no one to turn to. He would speak to or see his siblings most every day. And you can't turn the TV on without hearing about a suicide hotline, so there's that. Sometimes people's minds tell them that's the best way out - whether toying with the idea or convinced - and for those who are convinced of it, they find a way.

 

Considering the title of the thread is "What is the proper or correct reaction to a friend that successfully committed suicide?" I think it's safe to say the OP was concerned with etiquette. Etiquette is the art of not offending, even if you're burning to speak your mind. In general it's proper etiquette to avoid religion, politics, and fart jokes.

 

I'm confused trying to interpret your meaning. Not the definition but the application. This case isn't referring to some unknown entity, but a family member. Wouldn't you expect the family to be knowing of their religious beliefs and any strays? It's common for families to be of the same religious stance and as such would be improper to ignore that. The deceased's loved ones expect their loved one to be treated according to the precepts of their beliefs. And such they should, regardless of any potential "offense" any observer may impart on his/herself as a result. If they take offense, that's on them. Be true to yourself and let the chips fall where they may.

 

My feelings about suicide are that we cannot know what kind of inner suffering the person was enduring. We can mourn their loss, but not blame them for what we don't understand.

 

My uncle took his life in 1987. All I can say is that it was a horror show. And I have met other survivors of suicides that found it a horror show. I completely recommend all survivors of suicide to get into counseling, at least for a bit.

sorry for everyone's loss. take care.

 

A healthier method is counseling each other, as opposed to paying strangers for consolation. The former brings us closer and helps unite us in purpose while the latter isolates us more.

 

You're welcome.

I didn't mean to imply if someone commits suicide that their family didn't support them. Certainly a lack of support, whether from family or in general, can be a factor when someone commits suicide, but it sounds like he had plenty of family support. Still, he withheld the fact that he was feeling suicidal from family members. Generally speaking, I think once one family member commits suicide, the risk that other family members follows goes way up. I don't know all of the factors that make that so. So imho, it's still important to try to help surviving family members feel like it's ok, and really necessary to speak up if they're feeling suicidal.

Hotlines, at best, can help keep someone calm and talk them out of making an immediate attempt. Some may only be able to budget about 15 minutes per call. The person will still probably feel suicidal, it's just that avoiding an attempt in the short term increases the odds that things get better in the long term.

 

I don't think it's an either-or choice. Family therapy in particular can give guidance to a group of family members.

A good therapist with experience in this area of therapy will have a deep understanding of the issues and can provide some valuable insights. Both family therapy and individual therapy can be helpful.

It's good if family members are able to talk about this and support each other, but a good therapist could also help.

That said, not all therapists are necessarily good or worth the money they charge, but in principle a therapist could help.

 

Hard to know how much outside therapy works to change people's minds who've decided they're going to call it quits. I'm thinking little to none in that case, and that individuals in that case wouldn't go for it anyway. It may work for individuals feeling neglected or despondent who need to feel someone cares (even if they have to pay them for it). But without knowing what's going on in other's heads, I'd expect some would perhaps feign suicidal to get that support.

My friend didn't tell any of us he was considering suicide because he wasn't, at least not until he made the snap decision. He was bright and resourceful, successful to western standards, and had made plans, plane ticket bought and itinerary set. His mind just short-circuited that fateful night.