What Do I Really Want?

I just don't know how to deal with my life anymore. I really don't. I wish I could live a different life, be a different person. Every mistake I've made, everything wrong I've ever done to anyone... it all seems to consume me no matter how much I try to move on from it. I'm sick of feeling like I'm cursed, like I'm some sort of anathema, outcast from the world and doomed to suffer alone forever. I know it's impossible for anyone reading this to understand why I feel this way, and I wish I could go into more detail, but... I just can't. Parts of it are simply too terrible for me to ever feel safe to tell anyone, and other parts... I simply don't know why I feel the way I do. I've just, always been like this, for as long as I can remember. And after all these years, it's finally taking its toll on me. I can't go on like this much longer. I'm slowly becoming convinced that I was truly never meant to be happy. That my existence is completely meaningless. A mistake, trying at every turn to atone for its wrongful existence. I am emotionally and mentally unwell. I just want things to be different.

 

aww.. sweetie. You list 26 as your age on your profile. Still sooo young, darlin'. This old broad would LOVE to be 26 again. You have so much life yet to be lived and enjoyed, once you find your way.

You sound like you are at some sort of crossroad. Crossroads can be the worst. There really should be a signpost in such places that reads:

THIS Crossroad SUCKS... Be advised... either direction will likely provide more suckiness.. but only for a while.

Crossroads are never the whole of life. You want things to be different. That's a very very good start, lovie.

Find a REAL person to talk to. Not somebody on some silly forum. Vent here, yes definitely. But then find someone you can talk to in your life away from the internet. Someone who isn't a cartoon character on a computer screen; who can help you heal yourself and help you work through whatever it is that has caused you such pain.


I wish I could take all the pain from your heart. I can't. Nobody can. But, you CAN heal it. Find hope, sweet child. (And don't be upset that I called you a child. I'm THAT old. I'm allowed to think of you as a sweet child... and give you an internet Mom's big hug)

 

Why does it have to mean something? That's a Western point of view. Just live. Read a little about the Zen and Taoist perspectives.

 

Find a hobby
Learn how to cook well...once accomplished you are then able to give people pleasure and comfort for the rest of your life
You think too much...I know, because so do I. It comes with ADD territory
Mistakes in life do not judge your character, they build it.
Every human being is born selfish, mean spirited and self centered to the core. Good parenting will slowly evolve you away from this natural state, and build a solid foundation for you to grow on.
Perhaps you did not get that, or for other reasons your foundation withered away so you feel pointless, empty and without direction.
Karen gave good advice, read Zen or Tao it can help you find a better way to deal with things and place you on a better path.
Sometimes people have to build their own foundation of good ethics and steer themselves away from the selfish child that is in all of us.
Good luck

 

I'm not really a spiritual person, I don't think "Zen" or "Tao" or "Feng Shui" or any of that nonsense will really help me, no offense. But I do agree that I need real friends, outside the internet. The problem is that I never learned how to make friends as an adult. The only friends I have are from high school or college, and they're all long gone from my life now. I am completely and utterly lonely.

 

Onaquest, help someone or something else, and in doing so, you will help yourself. Works every time, and I believe you will find your way into some sort of happiness or contentment.
Good luck to you!

 

Join an exercise club.
Go to cooking classes, yes this is the second time I brought this up...never underestimate the social draw when people know you are a damn good cook.
Learn how to make beer, I make outstanding beer...let me tell you how popular a party can be when there is free beer. Just be careful how many people you invite because THEY ALL SHOW UP.
The only person you will meet within your four walls is yourself.
The only person who is best suited to get you out of this situation friend - is YOU. But you can't do it sitting on your ass feeling sorry for yourself...the world IS out there..you actually have to go out in it to find it.
Find a hobby...a hobby with social benefits like exercise, cooking, making beer etc.
It's what I did...it worked.

 

So what?

 

Did I mention I have NO idea how to use the "quote" function on here? Lol. But anyway, that stuff you mentioned earlier about Tao and Zen and whatever, that's considered spiritual stuff. Which I don't really believe in.

 

Says you.

 

Yeah, basically.

 

You need to smoke some WEED, my friend. WEED WEED WEED WEED WEED.

 

WTF do you know about it?

 

"Spiritual stuff." To feel or to act spiritual toward yourself and others is not just "stuff." Not religion either. I think that you have been given some decent advice here about getting active in finding yourself. What more can anyone do for you? EVERYTHING that comprises LIFE is out there--just waiting for you to decide what values are important to you and your existence as a fellow human. There's so much , you or anyone else can never get to it all. But---get to something---life is short and has a definite shelf life. Helping others would be a great start.

To paraphrase--I was sad because I had no shoes--then I met a man that had no feet. Get it?

 

This!

 

Lots of people say communication is key, so start talking to yourself, that should help with mental issues

 

Quest actually HATES weed. I just said this to try and bug him.

 

Ya know, I feel like all you can do is try to make the most of things.
-A lot of people put a lot of focus on how they look, and get upset because they don't fit this idea they have of the ideal "look". They say working out adds 7 years to your life, but I feel like people spend all 7 of those years in the gym instead of living life. You can workout, get muscular, get skinny, all that, but we all get old, saggy, wrinkly. Just try to be content with your body so long as you can still function and do what you want to do.

-Next, I think it's very important to find confidence in ourselves. I was never able to find confidence in the way I looked, so I found confidence in my personality. I do my best to be the greatest version of myself I can be. I build up my self-worth a lot by doing things for others, even small things like smiling and waving at the homeless when I pull up in a car next to them. Physical beauty fades with years, but your personality (hopefully) will not. Just try to focus on building your character and knowledge.

-Find a hobby or something you're good at. I enjoy cooking for myself and others, working with animals, watching documentaries. If you can find something you enjoy, focus on it and acquire as much knowledge about it as possible.

-Don't be afraid to ask for help. There are plenty of hotlines you can call, people you can talk to. If you don't feel like you have any resources or anyone to talk to, walk into a police station and sit down and talk to a cop. They're there to help....they'd probably be happy to sit down and talk to you, keeps them from having to go work in the hot sun.

The biggest thing is will-power and making positive life choices. Don't allow yourself to play the victim, do things to help yourself. This is your life, and only you have the power to change it.

 

IMO it just sounds like your social brain is working. that's how we all feel.

I don't however hurt steal or abuse myself or others, because I know that guilt is not meant to be sincerely nor easily washed away.

However the other stuff, I personally know to be simple woes that makes being me appear so personal.


Hint: everyone thinks they're a social outcast lol. Everyone tho lol. Now that's funny.

-- if you're drowning yourself in drugs. stop. It's making it way worse.

If you want to be a different person -- for fucks sake, start doing it. It will make you so much happier once you start to accomplish new things.

the truth is simple, man. perhaps awfully boring or at least from my perspective what I'm saying seems so.

 

it's up to you to shape your positive-tittty and exactly what shape it's going to be.