what am I?

Discussion in 'Coming Out and Confused!' started by blender3d, May 25, 2004.

  1. blender3d

    blender3d Member

    OK, for the past few days, I've been considering the fact whether I am attracted to men or not... (i am male by the way).

    It started, when my class was debating on homosexual adoption, and one loud mouthed girl went through entire homosexual proceedures to show how disgusting it was. I personally did not have a problem with gays before hand, but after hearing what she had to say, I started wanting to confirm to myself my sexuality - I developed a fear of becoming gay.

    I considered myself straight for all the time before this (I had a massive attraction towards women, and still do), but for some reason now, I wanted confirmation of being straight. In order to try and prove to my self, I started turning on the TV just to see whether I was attracted to good looking males or not. Almost all of the time, I was not. Still, I wanted to test myself to get a definite answer, as I hated the feeling of not being sure. This developed into a sort of anxiety, and I really feared being around men, or even touching them, in case I had some feelings towards them.

    Then, I started testing myself even more, and went on a gay porn site - which was a bad idea. Now whenever I see any man, I just get reminded of those images, and they do turn me off. Later I started comparing gay and straight porn to see which was more attractive, and the only type that turned me on was straight.

    Still though, even after trying all these tests, I am still unsure, because every time I look at any man - yes ANY man, I get a really wierd feeling of fear and nervousness, as if I am just about to take an exam.

    I dont get aroused etc looking at a naked male/going into the male showers at my sports club, but still I get this strange feeling of discomfort, fear, perhaps mixed with nervousness. I really hate this feeling - even if I am tired as hell, and am just going to bed, if I turn on the TV and see a male, I start getting that feeling again, when I don't even want it.

    Is this actually a feeling of attraction, or something else?

    Please help.

    BTW - I dont have a problem with gay people, I am sorry if that is the way it came across from what I have written.
  2. monosphere

    monosphere Holly's Hubby

    You worry too much. Seriously, that's part of the problem. If you're not attracted to men, then you're not attracted to men. You're straight. No big whoop. But at the same time you're paranoid about being gay. Let's say you ARE gay, what's the big deal? Why does it bother you so much? What do you think it means to be a homosexual or even bisexual?

    Unfortunately, I have to go back to work and don't have time to write everything I'd like, but please respond to this and I'll get back to this after work.

  3. blender3d

    blender3d Member

    thanks for the prompt reply mono. i trust your advice, as i have read ur previous posts, which make a lot of sense.

    Why i am so bothered is because i just dont like the idea of me being gay. I know being gay is not much different from being straight, apart from what you get upto in the bedroom, and that really doesn't bother me - its the feeling of doubt that has rooted in my mind that gets me - I feel unsure and confused, and that is what is so annoying and disruptive to my life.

    Furthermore, I have also been attracted to women all my life, but the thought of me not being able to be attracted to women is really scary - dont ask me why as i dont have an answer for that.

    Everytime I look at a woman and get an errection, I feel so damn happy, as i consider it confirmation that I am still attracted to women! I get these sudden perks every so often where I feel sure of myself, and later, as if doubt is slowly creeping back in my mind, I feel depressed.
  4. monosphere

    monosphere Holly's Hubby

    But if you're not attracted to guys, you're not gay. So where's the problem. And why would it bother you so much to be gay? What if you were attracted to guys? Why would it be bad? I'm sure there are people in the gay community who shudder at the thought of being straight. It just doesn't turn them on. That doesn't mean they're creeped out if someone of the opposite sex is in their presence. I guess the question is, why are you so traumatized at the thought? Why is the concept of finding men attractive so creepy for you? Could one of the factors be society's outlook on it? The way your peers/family perceive you? The stereotypes/rumors?

    Do you find yourself trying to visualize yourself in certain situations? Do you try to visualize yourself with other men and it creeped you out? Maybe that's because you're trying to understand what guys see in each other. You don't see the attraction nor do you feel it, so you're having a hard time grasping the concept. And the fact that you don't understand it makes you feel odd about the situation. So you keep trying to see that point of view subconsciously. The problem is that you're NOT GAY, therefore you keep trying to convince yourself straight while at the same time trying to see men in that light. If you weren't trying to see them that way, why are you constantly thinking about it everytime you see a guy on TV? It's a catch 22. You're constantly think about the fact you don't want to think about it. Am I making any sense? Am I even on the right track? This is just one of my funky theories. There could be many reasons for why you feel the say you do, but I've never met you, minus a couple of posts here, and don't know enough about you to give you a fair answer.

    Just try not to make a big deal out of it, because it's really not. You're making more of a production out of it than necessary. Something else to think about, girls can find each other pretty, even if they're straight. Why is it such a problem for guys? Insecurity. Simple as that. We're so insecure about our masculinity that we will do anything in our power to be as manly as possible. Another theory of mine.

    I do have a thought. Try the "So What?" approach. Example:

    Some guy next to me on the beach is taking off his shirt.
    So what? Why do I care? It's not like I'm into him. Let him take it off. It's not like I haven't seen a chest before.

    There are two guys kissing each other right over there.
    So what? It's their business, not mine. I'm not the one kissing anyone. In fact, good for them.

    Some guy just asked to buy me a drink. I think he's into me.
    So what? I should be flattered that I look so damn good. Just a quick "No thanks, I'm straight" should take care of that. Poor guy. I hope he finds someone to hook up with.

    I thank you for coming on here and talking to us in a civil manner. And for trusting us enough to talk about this. You're cool in my book. If you have any gay friends, talk to them about how you feel. If they're good friends, they'll be able to give you better advice than this stranger. I hope you can find some sort of peace regarding your thoughts and feelings. I wish you luck.

  5. honeyhannah

    honeyhannah herbuhslovuh

    You are you, strive to stay you no matter what.
  6. blender3d

    blender3d Member

    thanks a lot mono - you really are correct... I did try and visualise myself in certain situations, which were scary. I think practically everything you said described my situation.

    Thanks again for your help... I think in time my anxiety will just fade away.
  7. blender, i understand what you're going through. mono for what its worth i think the advice you gave was very worthwhile and fantastic.

    When I was a kid, I think I had mild obsessive-compulsive disorder (I know, I know, everyone thinks they do, but hear me out). I could not let my left foot tread on cracks in the concrete on footpaths, only my right. I could not let anything happen to the left side of my body (eg scratch an itch on the left side) without me going absolutely crazy. If anything happened to the right side of my body it was fine.

    Why am I telling you this? Because what goes on inside your mind can really, really make you go crazy, and I understand that. But the very fact that you can see this objectively makes the whole process a lot easier. I myself used the "so what?" approach whenever something touched my left leg or my left hand or whatever. And you're right, it eventually goes away because you convince yourself that it doesn’t matter, you don’t care, "so what?".

    Also when I "decided" (or rather came to the conclusion) that I was gay, it was like I suddenly had a label (which is what I had been searching for) that I could apply to myself. Once I had that label, I felt as tho I had to stick to it to stay true to myself. Any time a guy came on the screen of the TV or walked past me in the street, if I found him attractive it would drive me CRAZY, because I was gay - I "didn’t like guys"... Which is what I constantly kept telling myself.

    Now, I understand that, yes I’m gay, but if I think a guy is hot it’s ok. It doesn’t mean that I’m bi or straight, it doesn’t mean anything. You have to tell yourself that. Keep your options open. Make sure you KNOW that it doesn’t matter who are attracted to. It doesn’t matter if later in life you find that you're bi or that you're straight. THAT’S OK. You just need to convince your mind of that. It’s just a mind game.

    i that, blender, you read this and didnt overlook it because it was long. (i sometimes do that - "dear god, write a fucking novel mate, fuck that i couldnt be bothered!!" <--- dont do that!!)
    i hope the advice mono gave you helps. and i hope what i have said helps you also.
  8. blender3d

    blender3d Member

    Just a thought that came into my head:

    I think mono you are totally right - I worry too much... I remember a time about 1 year ago, when I felt a slight chest pain, and thought I was going to die of heart disease!!! I went through every medical measure to get myself checked out, and in the end, there was nothing wrong with me! I look back on that day and find it hilarious... but at the time I felt like I was going to die!

    I can't remember howI got over that problem - it just went away...I think what I am going through now is pretty similar to that... I really need to stop worrying so much.
    I've taken up meditation to try and get my head cleared.
  9. butterfly

    butterfly Member

    You are attracted to women, so you are definately NOT gay. You might be bisexual, but it doesn't really sound like it. But still I think that rationally thinking about being bi, and all the positive aspects is the only way to realise if you are or not. It wouldn't mean you had to go out and be with a guy, it would just mean your choice was doubled! Think about yourself being bi in a balanced and relaxed way and see if it feels natural. If the thought of being with men makes you squirm then it's obvious.
    But don't worry, it scares me to think what if I were completely gay or completely straight, less than it used to though because I know I'm neither. But I could see how though if someone called themself bi they might realise after a few months and a few experiences that they were just straight and curious. Nothing wrong with doing that.
  10. tourmaline

    tourmaline Member

    hahaha, i can sortof relate, yet not so extreme. whenever i'm attracted to a womyn (very rare) theres this odd feeling of nervousness

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice