what a does a "good wife" mean?

well, we've had this scenario somewhat after i had my son. i got really bitchy and nasty during my heal up. lost blood and was a mess, mentally, physically and emotionally. i never said you're a bad husband, i only thought it because he did mess up the laundry (turned whites pink, my favorite whites), couldn't cook well, etc. i was snappy and crappy. he completely cut me slack. he logicially understood that i was not myself. during this time he let it roll and never engaged me in tit for tat. when i was feeling better i apologized to him for being such a bitch and he said *no worries, i knew it was hormonal*.

i believe that men and women are different in the ways we think and process information. we women, sometimes, expect men to think and behave as we would, when in fact, they don't, they think and behave as a man would.

when he was ill and nasty to me i did take it personally even though none of it was meant as a personal attack, being a woman, i'm more prone to emotional thinking and taking this type of stuff very personally. later he said he never meant any of it personally he was just lashing out of his OWN frustration. when i was down he didn't take it personally and understood my hormones were jacked up and funny thing, when i was lashing out at him i wanted him to take it personally until later and i realized it was hormonal and he was right. thank god he thinks logically.

 

My original question was, IF you berated him and belittle him, do you think he should have done what you told the OP to do? Come to you on his knees and apologized for being a bad husband, etc.?

 

you're obviously pushing an equality agenda here. and let me say, the original poster asked for advice on how not to be *feminist bitch*. men and women are different genders with different roles in the world. with that said,

if he did apologize on his knees he would be forgiven and i've known of men who have gotten on their knees for an apology. men even get on one knee when they propose ... a giant sign of humble submission to one woman.

should he have to do this ..... no, nor would he be expected to. if he did get on his knees and apologize would that open her eyes and would she view him in a differently ... you bet. most men just *man up* and try to change for the women they love .. if it's possible for them to satisy her.

i believe a man would view this differently than a woman. a man would view this as a genuine sign of humble submission and vulnerability ... empowering him to realize his responsibility as the head of the household. a woman might view this as a sign of weakness in a man and think, how pathetic.

 

Why is this post reminding me of this list???

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954


1.) Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2.) Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3.) Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

4.) Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5.) Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

6.) Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

7.) Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

8.) Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

 

:lol That sounds about right...


SD, The poster was confused as to what she should do. Go back and read the original post.. She was wondering if she should give in to his demands and in return lose her individuality, or if she should stand up for herself.

 

dave keeps putting ocpies of that list up on our fridge. i keep taking them down and replacing them with pictures of hot male models. lol.

 

and just to be fair. I found this list so I thought i'd post it too.

How To Be A Good Husband

Be a team player. When you were single, you could focus on your needs entirely. Now that you're in a partnership, that just isn't going to work. Sometimes you have to think about the family and the marriage before you think about yourself.
Remember that a marriage is a complicated thing. Being a good husband spans a lot of territory. Sure, you need to support your family financially and raise your children with love and concern. These are two of the givens of being a good husband. But these aren't the only duties of being a good husband.

When you talk about the interpersonal dynamics of a man/wife relationship, a lot of these dynamics involve how we communicate with one another. We send both intentional and unintentional signals to our spouse through our interpersonal communications. So a large part of being a good husband in this context is showing we are a part of the team, supporting our teammate while communicating when we need support in our turn.

In sports parlance, it's called "being a good teammate" or "being a good locker room presence".

1. Be Her Sounding Board
When your wife tells you her problems, she isn't necessarily looking for a problem solver. She wants someone to listen to her and empathize with what's going on in her life.

A husband who hears about his wife's problems instinctively wants to come to the rescue. But most of the time, this isn't what your wife is looking for. You need to fill the role more of a psychologist than that of a troubleshooter. Listen to her problems; show concern for those problems; show that you have empathy; but don't always reply with "here's what you need to do."

When your wife comes to you with her problems, she isn't looking for you to be her lawyer. And she certainly doesn't need you to be her football coach, giving her fiery motivational speeches about how to beat her problem. She wants a counsellor, to listen to her problems and help her deal with their emotional impact.

2. Show Respect
A good exercise for every husband is to try to show your wife respect. This dovetails with my previous point, but goes beyond that specific situation.

A major part of showing respect is to avoid the trap of being hyper-critical. Don't criticize the way your wife dresses, cooks meals, parks the car or walks the dog. You might think you are instructing your wife, but you are actually showing disrespect for the decisions you make.

Actions are just as important as words. Don't make decisions that normally a married couple makes together. This shows you have no respect for her opinion.

Also, try to avoid certain intonations with your wife, the kind that can be described as "talking down" to her. A woman can pick up on these as well or better than a man can. These tell her you have contempt for whatever is she's doing, that you are treating her like a child or even your pet. Showing a lack of respect is one of the surest ways to poison a marriage.

3. Avoid Judgment
When you live with someone every day, it's hard not to build up resentments and overanalyze your partner's every move. But no one is going to stand up to that level of scrutiny. Try not to sweat the little stuff, because it has a way of becoming big rather quickly. If you judge every action or opinion your wife has, that's going to come through in your words and actions.

Your wife is different from you. Of course she isn't going to perceive things the way you do. She's had different life experiences than you, not the least of which is the general experience of living life as a woman. She won't always like what you like. She won't behave like a man does. Apart from sexual needs and having children, that's one of the reasons men get into a relationship. We feel the need for a woman's companionship.

4. Don't Bring Your Own Issues Into the Marriage
As I mentioned earlier, being in a marriage is being part of a team. This means you sometimes have to put your wants or needs second to those of the team.

All of us have emotional baggage. When we marry, we bring that emotional baggage into the marriage. But when your wife comes to you for support, that isn't the time to open up that emotional baggage. There are times when you can unload this stuff on your wife, but not when she needs your support.

It's common for a man to internalize all her problems and make them our own. But if you do this, you are losing sight of why she confided in you in the first place. Don't be selfish when you are supposed to be supportive. I mean, all of us tend to process information through our own filter. But that doesn't mean our opinions are always useful to the problem.

5. Know When to Make it About You
Of course, it can't always be about her or the marriage. There are times when your needs should be met. That's the definition of a give-and-take partnership, which is what a marriage should be about.

Tell her how you feel, but don't put her in a defensive position. This means you describe to her how something she does affects you without making your feelings accusatory. When you talk about issues in your marriage, tell her about how it affects you instead of what it is about her that bothers you. Good communication is one of the keys of a healthy marriage; good communication requires you to tell her how you are affected.

If your wife does something that hurts you, tell her exactly that you are hurt. Don't focus on her actions, but on the consequences of those actions. If you simply accuse her of undermining you or being insensitive, it automatically puts her on the defensive. When she's defensive about her actions, good communication becomes all but impossible.

6. Be Affectionate
I know guys don't like being cuddly. Being affectionate after sex takes time and it doesn't make us feel manly, but women need affection sometimes. If you only give them that stuff to get to bed, your wife is going to notice and think it's insincere.

Of course, this goes beyond the bedroom. If you show your wife spontaneous affection occasionally, it reassures her of the love bond.

7. Be Willing to Get Outside Help
There's the common joke about men refusing to ask for directions. Men throughout history have needed to be self-sufficient. That's one of the characteristics which make men successful. When we were out in the wilderness hunting for food, we couldn't stop at the convenience store to ask where the herd was.

That being said, self-reliance can only take us so far. A smart man has to realise when he can't do it all himself. One of those cases is the man whose marriage is in trouble. It's very standard for a man to refuse to go to a marriage counselor.

A man would prefer to buy a map than ask for directions. In the same way, he would rather read how-to guides on how to save his marriage than ask for professional help. In a lot of cases, getting good advice is enough. Modifying our attitudes and the subsequent behaviors those attitudes cause can have profound effects on a failing marriage. But sometimes the problems run deeper. That's when a man has to give into his wife's request that they speak to a counselor.

Professional marriage counselors help to reinforce the points I've made above. They are instructors in how to listen, how to show respect, how to avoid judgment, how to be a part of the team, how to express our feelings and how to be more affectionate. In short, when a man finds that his best efforts to improve his marriage skills fail, he needs a trained instructor to work on those skills.

 

Now you can post copies of "How to Be a Better Husband" on your fridge.....although posting hot male models is pretty funny.

 

well well ... maybe he's trying to tell you something.

how sweet of him to beat around the bush in stead of hurting your feelings by just coming out and saying it.

 

below is why HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE - Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954, is a better idea than feminists would have us think.

imo, us MODERN women can learn a thing or two from our great great grandmothers.


1.) Have dinner ready. - heaven forbid we should actually have to prepare a delicious meal for our husbands. especially those of us who get to stay home with our children while our husbands are out providing financial means to keep the roof over our heads, food on the table, gas in our cars and clothes on our backs.


2.) Prepare yourself. - men are visual creatures. for goodness sakes, whateve you do, don't look sexy or feminine when he arrives home. instead put on his sweats, smell like BO and put your hair up in a ponytail. chances are he won't be coming to you for sex tonight (thank god) .. instead he'll spend time at his computer looking at other women and jacking off.


3.) Clear away the clutter. - again, why make a nice home for him to arrive to when he's away all day. only do this when your parents come for dinner, after all why try to impress your husband by making a nice home, we've already got them through marriage anyway. messy houses are real cozy to come home to.

4.) Prepare the children. - why not let snot dry on their faces. why not have them fighting when dad walks in the door. that should make for a pleasant family evening especially with a crappy dinner on the table, a slovenly smelly wife. what man wouldn't want to come home to that.

5.) Minimize all noise. - of course this is the best time to start housework .. when the man you love walks in the door. we want him to see how busy we are and how much work we do. make it as noisy as possible. and don't greet him, just give him a nod of your head like he's any other person you casually know walking down the street. if he wants a beer, tell him they have them at the liquor store, then call him an idiot for not knowing that.

6.) Some don'ts:- don't make things pleasant him. instantly list your complaints when walks in. let him know, since he's home the kids need bathing, the dinner is microwaved burritos, and don't even think about sex cause she's working her ass of doing housework.

7.) Listen to him. - never listen to him first. he's not important ... see 1-6. always remember women are the most important creatures on the earth, have the best ideas and should always be heard first. men have nothing important to say.

8.) Make the evening his. - after listing your complaints immediately pin him down when the next time he's taking everyone out to dinner. i mean seriously, you're sick and tired of slaving away with that microwave preparing shitty meals for everyone.

GOAL: try to keep your husband from ever wanting to come home. the longer he's away from the house the better. maybe he'll have an affair and you can get divorced and get the house kids and 1/2 his income. sounds like a great plan. go for it girls.

 

unlinke SOME people, my husband actually has a sense of humor.

 

ah, jaryhn, you just couldn't help yourself, could you? behave. just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean they're a ball busting shrew out for blood. deal with it.

 

good god. :stunned: that's a lotta shit right there.

can't we just hang out, drink beers and play rockback while barbequing? maybe go hunting or camping. watch some seagal movies or something? sometimes we just make a play list and play with the girls in the back yard. when you're chillin together, that shit just sorta falls in line.

 

hahhaa. i know, right? he finds them utterly repulsive. though to be truthful, i have to admit, i do, too.

just goes to show, what you think you should want isn't necessarily what you will like having.

 

possibly a bit of truth in his humor???

 

common middle ground: listening to your partner is integral to making a relationship work

can we at least agree on that? listening to and being listened to are damn good thing sin a relationship?

 

i don't know who jaryhn is. so sorry to burst your bubble.

i thought this was a free forum to post opinions. are you the forum police to tell me to behave? i haven't name called have i? if i have i apologize to the offended party.

i made a new list to show how woman are perceived today by men. does a woman want her man to view her like that? if so, then nothing wrong with it, hey she's got the vagina right ... and we all know vagina's rule the roost today right? vagina power ... right? (rolling eyes)

my opposing point of view might click with a few young girls and maybe they'll treat their husbands with the respect they actually deserve. maybe. although i have serious doubts.

 

not really, no.

 

there hasn't been a single woman here denigrating a man. but YOU, j, think that anyone who disagrees with you must be a ball busting shrew. confess it. being equal doesn't mean being superior. treating your man as an ally and a friend instead of an overlord doesn't mean ANYWHERE that the woman has no respect for her man or treats him badly.

so cut it out. it IS insulting to every woman here to be told again and again that unless she's kneeling at his feet and acting like a stepford wife that she's not a good wife. cut it out and be respectful.

 

Im His Eden's husband. I have to chime in.

First, to the OP; everyone gets frustrated. I think we can all relate to the overwhelm of the things we have to give of ourselves that never seem to end. It is not "feminist bitch" to notice and to want for something to change. As long as you avoid the mid life crisis, life altering f*&k ups, indulge yourself. Being told you are a bad wife because of normal exasperation is totally disrespectful, and while I believe that the relationship is primary, no wife, however domineering or subserviant, should allow that kind of disrespect to go unaddressed. We call it 'righteous anger'. No partner should be accommodated in discounting their partners contribution that way. If he is simply expressing his concern for the state of the relationship by condemning you, I would think it appropriate to express your concern for the state of the relationship by responding in kind, perhaps by hiding the TV remote at the bottom of the laundry bin.

Petty....yes, but the point is not to suggest action, but to hold your partner accountable for their bad behavior as well as for their good behavior. People do not grow if they are not held accountable for what they do.

My wife is not subserviant. If I called her a "bad wife" she would stop doing the many things that she does that make her a great wife, and illustrate how I am missing the point...(let me make this clear)....abruptly. It is one of the checks and balances that keep me from saying such a stupid and insensitive thing. She would never say such a thing to me, so I could never imagine saying it to her.

I am the husband that works my butt off and comes home physicaly and emotionally drained after work. I also know that my wife is the glue that holds the house together with food....really really good food....love, fun, and discipline...(OK sometimes that is fun too), among many other things. Sometimes she does double duty with school, work, and the household, and while I may come home to a cluttered house from time to time, I know that she is always a major contributer to our home, even if she is not at my feet.

She fights with me like a banshee...then we make up like crazed weasels. We play hard, then forget the dishes and hide under the covers with a milkshake. We do the dishes together....and occasionally wind up covered in suds when a water fight breaks out. We both clean up after the snowball fight we had in the house, or the child partially covered in whipped cream because of the off colored coment made while desert was being served. (Notice the keyword is WE)

Good wife....no, a great one; and I would take her cantankerous corrections of my bad behavior, and the understanding that it brings, over a passive aggressive subserviant that would allow me to get away with saying things that suggest that I don't appreciate what I have.